In childhood summers in the past, kids spent time whiling away the hours outdoors until parents started calling kids home for dinner. In modern times, toddlers to teens can spend the summer months in various structured programs - just as busy (and possibly just as stressed out) as they were during the academic school year! Dr. Nanika Coor offers ideas for allowing children to self-direct their summertime activities.
School’s out for the summer - now what?
Many parents will have signed their kids up for numerous camps and enrichment experiences by now, making sure that they won’t have to hear the dreaded “I’m bored!” refrain repeated endlessly. That makes sense since kids are often passive receivers - of entertainment that both their technology and many toys that are made for children provide. They are also often passive recipients of education. Most are required to go to a formal school setting whether or not they want to, where they tend to be externally motivated by systems of rewards and punishments to do what adults tell them to do and learn what they’re told to learn and when.
This means that many kids these days don’t have or take as many opportunities to create their own fun or decide what to do with their time as they once did. Furthermore, high-pressure academic environments can leave kids feeling anxious and depressed about where they fall in grade rankings - or that their scores are worth more than they are. Rather than developing a love of learning, these kids can end up developing the false idea that how they “perform” their learning means more than the learning itself.
Sources:
What Is Self-Directed Education? The Alliance for Self-Directed Education.
https://www.self-directed.org/sde/.
Boles, B. (2018, October 17). Give Kids Control. The Alliance for Self-Directed Education.
https://www.self-directed.org/tp/give-kids-control/.
Boles, B. (2018, May 24). Teens and Screens. The Alliance for Self-Directed Education.
https://www.self-directed.org/tp/teens-and-screens/.
Loosli, S. E. (2022, May 15). Do-It-Yourself Summer Camp. Power of Families.
https://poweroffamilies.com/do-it-yourself-summer-camp/.
Low, C (2021, January 10) How To Help Your Child Be An Independent, Self-Directed Learner. Mamahood. https://story.mamahood.com.sg/help-your-child-be-independent-self-directed-learner/.
McDonald, K. (2019, April 23). The Value of A Self-Directed Summer for Kids. FEE Stories. https://fee.org/articles/the-value-of-a-self-directed-summer-for-kids/.
Tam, V. C., Chu, P., & Tsang, V. (2023). Engaging in self-directed leisure activities during a homework-free holiday: Impacts on primary school children in Hong Kong. Journal of Global Education and Research, 7(1), 64-80.
https://digitalcommons.usf.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1193&context=jger
Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about ways your child can engage in self-directed learning over the summer. Stick around till the end for this week’s parenting challenge!
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School’s out for the summer - now what?
Many parents will have signed their kids up for numerous camps and enrichment experiences by now, making sure that they won’t have to hear the dreaded “I’m bored!” refrain repeated endlessly. That makes sense since kids are often passive receivers - of entertainment that both their technology and many toys that are made for children provide. They are also often passive recipients of education. Most are required to go to a formal school setting whether or not they want to, where they tend to be externally motivated by systems of rewards and punishments to do what adults tell them to do and learn what they’re told to learn and when.
This means that many kids these days don’t have or take as many opportunities to create their own fun or decide what to do with their time as they once did. Furthermore, high-pressure academic environments can leave kids feeling anxious and depressed about where they fall in grade rankings - or that their scores are worth more than they are. Rather than developing a love of learning, these kids can end up developing the false idea that how they “perform” their learning means more than the learning itself.
Kids are somewhat powerless in their lives in general, but this is especially true at school. They don’t get a lot of say about who their teachers are, what they’ll learn or who they’ll be in class with. They don’t decide when to eat, when to talk, when and where to sit or stand or if they can go to the bathroom. They’re micromanaged at school and then sometimes come home to parents prodding them to do homework and chores and practice an instrument they didn’t choose. Most adults wouldn’t put up with the stress and frustration of having that little say in their own lives - it’s no wonder kids have meltdowns when you look at life from their perspective!
Enter the argument for supporting a child’s self-direction. The Alliance for Self-Directed Education (ASDE) defines this as: “education that derives from the self-chosen activities and life experiences of the learner, whether or not those activities were chosen deliberately for the purpose of education.” Proponents of self-directed education encourage us to expand our view of education from that of a student meeting the benchmarks of an imposed curriculum to one where learning takes place all the time and can be anything a person can learn that supports them in “leading a satisfying and meaningful life” - as long as it’s completely self-chosen.
The opportunity to engage in daily activities of their own choosing can increase your kids’ time management skills, feelings of satisfaction, agency and academic competence. Also, the freedom to choose makes those activities more exciting and appealing to them - they’re more likely to be in a state of flow when engaged with them - making kids more internally motivated to engage in them repeatedly. And it so happens that the more time your child spends in a flow state, the more their brain associates focused and sustained effort itself with pleasant emotions and sensations in their body - so they voluntarily seek out flow-state activities. That’s exactly what intrinsic motivation is - it’s motivation coming from inside your child.
This may seem far-fetched, as self-directed students tend to do most of their learning outside of traditional classroom settings that can fall anywhere on the alternative education continuum, like unschooling, world schooling and homeschooling to name a few. But don’t let this deter you, because children from any educational setting can be given opportunities to self-direct, and summer is a great time to do it when academic demands tend to be lower and free time is easier to come by.
Here are 5 ways to encourage your child to self-direct their experiences this summer:
Rather than thinking that you need to be the boss or manager of your child’s life, consider being your child’s life consultant. Use your adult expertise and knowledge to be a person your child can consult with about their life. Tell them why you think something is valuable or worth putting in the effort for. Help them clarify what their problems are and the questions surrounding them and help them set priorities for solving them. Help them understand what commitments or sacrifices will be necessary to reach their goals.
But understand: your child’s problems aren’t yours to solve, their mistakes are their own and you can’t force them to change. As much as possible, don’t do for kids what they are competent to do for themselves - because that’s how they learn that they are competent - by seeing themselves accomplish things and learning from their mistakes if they struggle to do so.
Let them know that you truly care about them reaching their goals and explicitly let them know that you’re available to help and that they can ask for it, but stay emotionally calm if they don’t take you up on it - even if and when they make mistakes. Make the decision to prioritize your connection with them over engaging in power struggles over homework, practicing instruments, sports participation, etc.
Kids learn to make decisions by actually making decisions - but you want those decisions to be made with as much good information, knowledge, insight, and perspective as you can give them so that they’re able to make a good choice. Help them generate a few possible choices and “Plan B’s” and then accept whatever choice they make, even if it isn’t the one you might’ve made. Reserve your parental vetoes for only the most extremely unwise decisions that are threatening to their health or safety.
This summer, give your kids days that are entirely free to fill with activities of their own choosing. First, brainstorm with your child to find out what your child wants to be responsible for, in charge of, or competent at by the end of the summer. What skills would they need to develop for that to happen? What are their short and long-term goals? What resources are available to them to that end? What’s possible and what’s unrealistic? Make sure your child is aware of these options, and then let them be free to pursue their own interests, explore and discover as they choose. Use pay-as-you-go, trial or free classes to allow your child to try and quit activities as they please - this is how they learn what they’re authentically drawn to!
Think about generating two lists with your children for the summer - one for daily baseline ‘musts’ for individual and family well-being and one for a sort of ‘bucket list’ of daily fun activities or adventures in the world that you’d love to do as a family by the end of the summer. Collaborate with your kids on how the ‘musts’ will be done and by when each day. These could be things like getting direct sunlight, good sleep hygiene, eating regular healthy meals, being physically active in some way (roughhousing on the playground counts!), reading or learning time, spending time together as a family, in-person relationships, engaging in screen-free hobbies and personal interests and contributing to the running and upkeep of the family household.
Let’s face it. When you give your child real freedom to choose how to fill their time - especially one who attends conventional school - they will likely fill most of it with screens, at least at first, as they’re decompressing and regaining a sense of control. Try to be patient and trust that once they realize that the choice is really theirs, they will choose other things.
In the meantime model what it looks like to engage in life without a screen. Let kids see you reading print media - like actual paper books, newspapers and magazines - and leave them around your home where kids can discover them.
Invite kids to do fun activities with you outdoors, having a catch or kicking a ball around, going for walks, bike rides, picnics, swimming and camping in remote areas that don’t have mobile service signals! Explore a new neighborhood, make an intricate recipe, have a family board game night, or write postcards or letters together. Basically - think of all the fun things you did as a kid before folks started carrying mini computers around in their pockets - and introduce those things to your children!
I’m challenging you this week to exercise your parent-consultant muscles!
Engage your child in a brainstorming session where you find out what they’d like to individually accomplish or take part in this summer. What are their ideas about how they might make that happen? How can you or another adult help them achieve it? What ‘musts’ would they put on a list for themselves and/or the family as a whole? What family adventures do they want to have?
It’s possible that once you generate a list, you’ll all be really excited to see what you can put your heads together to make happen this summer!
Let me know how it goes!
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Offering your child the opportunity to have a self-directed summer means they can build important skills by freely choosing what they want to do with their time, according to the skills and knowledge they want to gain related to their unique interests, needs and goals. This allows them to explore, think independently, and develop their authentic self in enjoyable ways. And, because they’re allowed to make their own decisions they can also relish their own rewards - or perhaps suffer their own consequences - and they learn so much from those mistakes. Ultimately when kids see that they are loved unconditionally even when they’re struggling, and not making the best choices ever, it builds the kind of resilience they need to dust themselves off and keep trying - voluntarily!
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I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about self-directed learning, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to
parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com
. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!