Chelsea explores the crucial difference between conflict and bullying, offering practical advice for parents on how to respond to each. Learn how to support your child during conflicts, address bullying effectively, and empower kids to stand up as bystanders.
Chelsea explores the crucial difference between conflict and bullying, offering practical advice for parents on how to respond to each. Learn how to support your child during conflicts, address bullying effectively, and empower kids to stand up as bystanders.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Chelsea at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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When kids are mean to one another sometimes it can be about social power - wanting it and wanting to maintain it Middle school especially can be an environment where being mean results in social power and unfortunately it is common in schools
Popular - not necessarily about being well liked, but rather having a lot of social power
It is our natural instinct to protect our children when something goes wrong, like conflict or bullying. Bullying is a serious matter and cannot be ignored. However, there is a big difference between conflict and bullying. Let’s find out what we can do as parents when our kids are faced with either one.
Hi! Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I'm your host, Chelsea Dorcich, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist in California. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness and non-judgment along the way.
My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
My favorite analogy for the difference between conflict and bullying comes from Dr. Lisa Damour. Conflict is like the common cold while bullying is like pneumonia. We can do certain things to keep conflict controlled and decrease symptoms.
Like with pneumonia, you need to have a more aggressive approach with bullying.
The distinction between conflict and bullying is important as we would never treat a common cold with antibiotics - therefore we need to make sure we are not treating conflict like we would bullying.
If we take antibiotics when it's not needed, we just destroy our gut health and add unnecessary symptoms - similarly we can make an unnecessary mess if we treat conflict like bullying.
Bullying - different and important → when someone is on the receiving end of mistreatment and unable to defend themselves - they are being bullied.
Bullying can leave an imprint on our child’s brain and nervous system
When your kids are in conflict we can first validate their feelings and struggles. We can ask if they just want to vent or if they want advice.
If they ask for help we provide them with communication tools like empathic assertive respectful communication, walking away and seeking support
If they don’t ask for help or advice, you may need to model such skills in your own interactions and even providing self-disclosure about your own conflicts at this age and your feelings around them, what worked for you and what didn’t
“I really value our friendship and care about you, but when you say those things it hurts my feelings”
If your kids are being bullied:
As parents, we step in but so so carefully and calmly; we handle it and take it seriously - try not to overreact but look into it
Reach out to adults at your child’s school, or the environment it is occurring, to see if they can offer any perspective or information – maybe its yard duty if elementary school, or a specific teacher in middle school or administration if its across various settings or the first adult you speak with is not helpful
If you approach said adults in a calm and controlled fashion, they are more likely to be cooperative and less likely to be defensive
Refrain from involving the parents of the other kids - whether bullying → regardless of what is actually happening parents will stick up for their kids and reaching out to other parents can have negative social impacts for your child
We can support our kids by helping them repair relationships, foster new ones or we can get advice from another adult - like a coach, teacher or counselor
If your kid is bullying someone else:
Kids often bully to create their own sense of belonging or because they are bored - it can create excitement or something to talk about
Avoid blaming your kids behavior on anyone else
Make it clear that it is unacceptable and and punishable
Keep an eye on it
Consider having your child work with a therapist
What can our kids do if they see someone being bullied?
Research continues to show that bystanders who witness bullying are the ones in the best position to prevent it
They can take action - even if they are not comfortable confronting the bully, they can go to an adult and let them know what they witnessed - regardless of your child’s feelings for the kid being bullied, they can still take action - they can talk to you about ways to advocate for their peer
Call out the mean behavior (not the person) right when it happens, saying it’s not cool
• Say something nice about the target later
• Get friends to compliment the target too.
• They can invite the person to hang out with them on the playground or sit with them at lunch
If you don’t feel comfortable helping out publicly, that’s fine. You can also support the target privately. You can…
• Ask how they’re doing in a text or DM (direct message)
• Talk to them privately and tell them you’re there for them if they want to talk after school or on the phone
• Tell them you thought the mean behavior was wrong and ask if they feel like talking about what happened
That’s it for this week’s edition of Project Parenthood… Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and/or topics you would like to hear more about please reach out to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 646-926-3243.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips: Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong and live with ease.