Today’s episode is about using Parent Effectiveness Training to increase connection and trust in your relationship with your child.
Today’s episode is about using Parent Effectiveness Training to increase connection and trust in your relationship with your child.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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It’s getting to be that time of year when families start to regroup for the beginning of the school year. Whether you’ve been together all summer or your kids spent a chunk of the summer off doing their own thing away from home, around times of transition, it’s always a great idea to shore up your connection with your child.
This month I’m highlighting some communication strategies that can help you create a relational buffer for your kiddo that they can lean into during that sometimes-bumpy transition of those first back-to-school weeks. Today I’m talking about elements of Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) is a parenting approach developed by Dr. Thomas Gordon that focuses on helping parents and children communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts in a non-punitive way. P.E.T. teaches parents four basic skills: active listening, I-messages, problem ownership, and no-lose negotiation.
Active listening is a way of listening to your child with the intent to understand their feelings and perspective - without judgment. I-messages are a way of communicating your feelings and needs in a non-judgmental way. Problem ownership is the process of helping your child to identify and take responsibility for their own problems. No-lose, or win-win negotiation is a way of resolving conflicts with your child so that both of your needs get met.
P.E.T. is a comprehensive parenting approach that can help parents to raise responsible, confident children. And by using the P.E.T. skills, parents can create a more connected, positive and productive environment at home.
Today I’m focusing on three key elements of P.E.T that can help you deepen your emotional connection with your child: active listening, empathy and I-messages.
Dr. Gordon describes active listening as a way of listening to your child with the intent to understand their feelings and perspective without judgment. When you’re actively listening, you’re using verbal and nonverbal cues to let your child know that you are paying attention and that you care about what they have to say. You’re also avoiding interrupting, judging, or offering advice. It sounds challenging because it is! Luckily every time you communicate with your child is another opportunity to practice!
There are some especially good times to use your active listening skills. When your child is sharing a problem or concern with you; when your child is expressing feelings; when your child is struggling to make a decision; and when they’re talking about something that’s important to them. When you meet these moments with active listening, you’re showing your child that you’re interested in what they have to say and that you value their thoughts and feelings. This helps to build parent-child trust and understanding, and helps your child feel more connected to you.
Good parental active listening involves giving your child your full and undivided attention - so put down your phone or other technology and avoid distractions. Show your child that you understand by repeating back what they say to you. Even if you disagree with what they’re saying - let them express all of their feelings. Don’t interrupt, judge or criticize. unless they ask for it - don’t offer any advice.
Empathy is about the ability to see the world from your child’s point of view and to understand their feelings. When you’re empathizing with your child, you’re letting them know that you understand how they’re feeling - even if you don't agree with them.
Empathy is your go-to strategy when your child is feeling sad, angry or frustrated, when they’re going through a difficult time, when they’ve made a mistake or having trouble making a decision. When you show empathy at these times, you display that you care about your kiddo and understand what they’re going through.
This involves not dismissing your child’s feelings, but trying to see your child’s problems, feelings and ideas like they see them. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Knowing who your child is and how they relate to the world - how is what they’re going through impacting their thoughts and feelings? Use phrases like, “I imagine you’re feeling…” or “It sounds like you’re…” or “It’s okay that you feel that way” or “That’s a totally normal way to feel.” Showing that you get it - get them - helps your child feel validated and understood, which can strengthen your relationship.
I-messages are a way of communicating your feelings and needs in a non-judgmental way. When using an I-message, you want to start by saying, "I feel..." and then describe the specific feeling you are experiencing. Then, you explain the behavior that’s causing you to feel that way. For example, you might say, "I feel frustrated when you leave your clothes all over the floor."
I-messages are the tool to use when your child is doing something that bothers you, or you’re trying to teach them about responsibility or the consequences of their actions. You can also use I-messages to resolve conflicts in a positive way. Using I-messages is a great way to increase relational connection with your child because they help your child understand how their behavior impacts you, which promotes your child’s empathy and understanding for your thoughts and feelings. The lack of accusatory language reduces conflict and defensiveness, and ultimately, I-messages encourage you and your child to work out your problems as a team.
When you use I-messages, it’s important to be specific about whatever behavior of their bothers you, and to stick with talking about your own feelings - not theirs. Take careto not use blaming, shaming or judging language and be willing to hear your child’s perspective on the matter at hand. Show your child that you can work together to develop a solution that works for everyone.
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In the hustle and bustle of the beginning of the school year, maintaining a strong parent-child bond can be a buffer for the transition from summer’s freedom to fall’s buckling-down. Using some P.E.T. strategies can help improve parent-child communication and foster relational resilience.
Active listening not only fosters trust but also establishes a safe space for your child to express themselves openly. Empathy lets you connect with your child on a deeper level - and shows your unwavering support. Incorporating I-messages into your communication toolkit not only resolves conflicts but also promotes a cooperative approach to finding solutions.
And remember: every interaction with your child is a chance to practice your communication skills and promote a connected parent-child relationship that can help your child persevere through life's transitions.
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Links:
https://www.instagram.com/bkparents/
https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory
https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory
Sources:
Gordon, T. (2008). Parent effectiveness training: The proven program for raising responsible children. Harmony.