In part one of this two part series, Chelsea explores how self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-compassion can lead to happier siblings.
In part one of this two part series, Chelsea explores how self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-compassion can lead to happier siblings.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hi, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Chelsea Dorcich, licensed Marriage Family Therapist here in California. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non judgment along the way. Together, my goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
Consciously parenting Before you break up the next argument between your children, take care of yourself first. In this first episode of a two part series, learn how self awareness, self regulation, and self compassion can help you have happier siblings. Conscious parenting is about developing ourselves from the emotional and spiritual lessons of parenting, connecting authentically with our children, resetting our expectations and repairing our ruptures, all while being open, kind, and curious.
Sibling rivalry is typical and natural. It's a quest for the parent's attention and focus. I want to dive into how we can consciously parent siblings, push through the inevitable rivalry that comes up and stay compassionate to not only our children, but ourselves. Today's episode will focus on taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your children more consciously.
We'll take a look at self awareness, self regulation, and self compassion. Next week, we'll pick up on addressing the situation of our children fighting and creating meaningful connections while we do so. Self awareness. As parents, we need to notice our own wellbeing. Notice if we get off track and the effects it has.
Be present and notice what we do on the outside. In an attempt to feel better on the inside is a huge part of self awareness being present and noticing what we do on the outside in an attempt to feel better on the inside is a huge part of self awareness. Label your feelings. Most often, there's a fear of feeling out of control in these situations, and it sits below our anger in that moment.
So be curious, and the second you're able to label your feelings, it makes it about you and not your children. What I mean by that is, noticing what is coming up for you in that moment when your kids are fighting needs to actually be addressed before you can consciously approach them and support them.
If you're anything like me, I feel like when my kids do fight, it's usually right when I first sat down for the first time all day, or when I'm trying to be on a schedule and get dinner on the table on time before practice or rehearsal. So we bring that in to our reaction. So just noticing what's happening on the inside, because as we take responsibility for our feelings, we free our children from taking on those feelings.
And most often it is anxiety. In reality, we as parents really do help create our children's anxiety as we build our own self awareness. We can model and help our children build their own inner compass. The more we trust them to listen to their own inner compass, the better they can keep themselves safe.
If you're anything like me, I am often hearing myself telling my children to be careful, be careful. So telling our children to be safe, doesn't make them safe. It makes them anxious. We actually need to wait for them to actually fall, then we can react, or panic. The more self aware we are, the more able we are to teach our children to become aware, and handle those situations, and teach them to listen to their inner compass.
The other day, my OBT had a little saying that said live by your inner knowledge and strength. I couldn't help but think about this concept that we want our kids to have their own inner knowledge and strength, that inner compass, how we react to them, teaches them to develop one and use it, or it teaches them that it doesn't even exist.
Self regulation, regulating our own emotions and taking care of ourselves so our children don't have to be burdened by our own issues. When we are regulated, we allow ourselves to fully engage in our parenting and authentically connect with our children. Find whatever works for you, whether it is practicing mindfulness.
So maybe you go through a grounding exercise, something as simple as checking off your five senses, name as many things as you can for each sense. This can help ground yourself. My favorite way to think of grounding is called dropping anchor. Think of a ship. In a storm and see it's going to drop its anchor or it's going to come to the dock and drop its anchor.
It doesn't make the storm go away, but it helps the ship brave the storm. So our grounding can really help us brave that emotional storm. The very least before you approach your children arguing, take a breath and feel your feet on the ground. Maybe you can press your hands into one another and take a moment to notice what are you feeling?
What are you thinking? What are you experiencing right now? When you feel grounded and composed. Then approach your children. Self compassion. This is an important tool to feel okay about who you are. It is a powerful antidote to self blame. The more you develop self compassion, the more likely you are to experience a sense of self forgiveness.
Start with kind self talk. Make sense of the events that just happened. If we can say, I handled that poorly. We can then say, it's okay, everyone has been here at some point, I am human, as we acknowledge we are doing our best and accept ourselves with compassion and our children with compassion, we are more likely to better ourselves.
In other words, reflecting on the way we handled something in a not so ideal way, we give ourself grace, and then we set an intention how we want to handle it next time. Acknowledge that we have been hard on ourselves, and then we acknowledged that harsh self judgment and blame will not change the events of the past.
And consequently, we are pulled away from our values and the valued way we want to parent. If you haven't done so already, you can check out the episode 761 to learn more about our parenting values. The next time you hear your kids arguing, First, pause and take time to notice what is coming up for you and regulate yourself.
Have compassion for yourself and allow that to carry over to your children who are arguing. Remember sibling rivalry is natural and typical. If we approach our children without taking a breath, we will end up with one child feeling like we never understand them, that we always blame them. And the other sibling who got protected thinking they won.
This actually creates a bigger divide with our siblings. So stay tuned next week to learn what to do instead as we focus on connecting with our children and coaching them through their arguments, ruptures, and repairs. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and nonjudgmental on your conscious parenting journey.
If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and or topics you'd like to hear more about, please reach out to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at … Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips… Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson, and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong, and live with ease.