Redefining discipline as a teaching tool that deepens parent-child connections.
Redefining discipline as a teaching tool that deepens parent-child connections.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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What comes to mind when you hear the word discipline? What words, scenes, or interactions pop up? Do you find yourself on autopilot when reacting to your children? Or do you find yourself intentional and responsive? Now, what comes to mind when you hear the word teach? What words, scenes, or interactions pop up?
Would the word teach incline you to respond versus react? Would it change your interactions with your child? Hi, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Chelsea Dorcich, licensed marriage family therapist. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non judgment along the way.
My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family. Today we will be discussing discipline. So let's start by defining what it is. Discipline is synonymous to teaching. Discipline is about creating connections.
Building social and emotional skills and strengthening your connection relationship with your child. As parents, we can be intentional and make conscious decisions based on our values and principles already agreed upon. Maybe ask yourself, do I have a discipline philosophy? Is what I'm doing working? Do I feel good about what I'm doing?
Do my kids feel good about it? Consider the fact that the way we discipline can improve our child's capacity for relationships, self control, empathy, personal insight. So when a situation first arises, say a toddler hits, a young child breaks a window, or an adolescent goes out when you already told them they couldn't, We are going to ask three questions.
Why is this happening? What do I want to teach and how can I teach it? This is the moment to be curious. Why is this happening right now? Why did my two year old hit me right now? Can I place what happened right before? Why didn't my child start their paper sooner? What else could be going on? We want to ask such questions instead of lecturing or reacting and scolding.
Next, what do I want to teach my child at this moment? Do I want them to know that they won't get what they want with that behavior? So, can I teach them another way to get what they want? Taking into account your child's age and development, how can you teach it? As discussed in our episode on consciously parenting siblings, we as parents need to self regulate before we can approach our children.
All right. Body scan, breathing, remind yourself of your favorite things about your child, or think of a sweet memory of yourself and your child and hold onto that for 10 seconds or count to 10. Our capacity to handle situations and make decisions can be influenced by the day we've had, what is going on the moment, so many variables.
And this is true for our children. So this is why they are inconsistent with behavior and meeting expectations, and explains why we as parents are inconsistent with our approach when we do discipline, reacting some moments and responding consciously other moments. Let's talk discipline and our kids brains.
We have to keep in mind that when we are disciplining our child, their brain is not fully developed. And the part that is not fully developed is responsible for things like decision making and planning, regulation of emotions and body, personal insight, flexibility and adaptability, empathy, morality. So our kids brains have this neuroplasticity, or that brains change based on their experiences.
for listening. This is what I personally hold on to as a motivator and hopefully you can to be more conscious and intentional with our discipline over time, repeated interactions of discipline will give our kids a more positive model of relationships to learn from and to walk away with. Our children's brains can be in two different states, either receptive or reactive.
If we are trying to discipline them while they are in a reactive state, it will not be effective. It's going to go in one ear and out the other. In order to discipline and for it to really teach our children, we need them to be in a receptive state. Therefore, we have to recognize that our kids are not in a receptive state and really help them regulate so that they can engage and they can learn from this experience.
How we interact with our children when they are upset impacts how their brains develop and the type of person they become in the present and the future. When we discipline, we are encouraging insight. We want to further develop that inner compass that we want them to really rely on. We encourage and develop self reflection, empathy, cooperation, and good decision making.
When we set limits for children, we're essentially teaching them how to set limits for themselves. The reality is, is once our children are of age and ability to live independently, we want them to have this foundation of what are limits and boundaries, and what works for their body and their person. So, take a moment to reflect on your patience, your willingness to express love, even when disciplining.
And your ability to let go of being a perfect parent. And this takes us to connection and unconditional love with discipline. We actually need to connect with our children before we can teach or redirect. Proactive parenting is where we watch for the antecedent to the undesired behavior. So the antecedent being what happens right before that undesired behavior, or that mistake, or that meltdown.
We watch for clues that the meltdown or misbehavior is coming. Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson say we want to stay ahead of the discipline curve. And there won't always be a clear cut sign that we may be able to catch those moments when our kids need to refuel the snack or be redirected to something new, but we do the best we can.
And we can be cognizant of whether our kids are feeling tired, they're hungry, they're angry, they're anxious. And that's when that Lower part of their brain, which we're going to get into is going to take over from the upper, more logical part of the brain. Our kids need us most when they are upset, when we connect with our kids first, we can help them move to a more receptive state.
And then we can move on to the redirecting and the teaching, the disciplining. We can use empathic language to connect like the five secrets of communication, validate their feelings and disarm them. Just like we don't want to be angry, frustrated, or overwhelmed by the behaviors our kids are engaging in, they don't want to be frustrated or out of control either.
Most likely, our kids are experiencing big feelings they don't yet have the capacity to manage and navigate. And even if they're older, you could say, well, they're old enough, they still might need an additional tool, or a reminder, or more practice. Think about when a child is rude or hits. Instead of focusing on labeling that behavior as, a Bad.
We want our kids to learn that that is not an effective way of relating and that they're not going to get what they want. So we start to disengage from that behavior to reiterate they're not getting what they want and we disengage calmly. The reality is, if we can actually attract our child's attention with a calm presence, that speaks louder than any words that we can yell.
I like to say when in doubt, just pause and ask what you would want in this situation. Would you want to be told to calm down, get over it? Or would you want some connection and support kids, believe it or not, are not here to make our life miserable. They're just in their own world. So we don't hesitate to get down to their level, both in a physical sense, but also playful, playfully connect and join with them.
When we connect with our children, we listen to and validate their feelings, we provide comfort and reassure our love, even when they mess up. We actually impact the brain development when we're doing that. We strengthen connections between their prefrontal cortex, think executive functioning from last week's episode, or our, and our limbic system.
Or emotional brain. Therefore, we improve their ability to override more impulsive and emotional reactions with more logical responses. So that's what I was talking about, the upstairs and the downstairs brain. Our prefrontal cortex is the upstairs, our limbic system or more emotional brain is the downstairs.
Connection can help us deal with the problem in the moment, but it also builds our child's brain and makes them better people and sends a message how we care about a relationship with our child. So think of tantrums, right? Next time you're faced with your child's tantrum, consider the fact that their emotional brain has actually hijacked their prefrontal cortex or their thinking brain.
And I know there's hesitancy to reinforce or give negative attention to a tantrum. But just start by being curious what this tantrum is really communicating. Is there an anxiety over change of plans? Are they feeling bad about themselves because they were unable to complete an activity or task? Or are they feeling stuck and needing help seeing other options?
You can still provide comfort and connection to a child in the midst of a tantrum while upholding limits and boundaries. So, after you console and connect, you can say, I know you really want another cookie. I wish we could have unlimited cookies too. It's not good for our bodies. What about going and building that tower we've been talking about?
Or I can see you're frustrated, but we don't hit. As parents, we have the choice to send a message that says, when you're upset and out of control, I can't help you. Once you're done, I can be there for you. Or I am here for you no matter what. I can handle it and support you. You and I are fine, it is just that that behavior does not work right now.
This helps our kids internalize, there's nothing wrong with me, I made a mistake or a wrong choice, and I need to practice or learn here. When we are faced with a meltdown or misbehavior, we can often start catastrophizing the situations, and we in turn react defensively. I think about the fact that I tell so many of my clients that, you know, we don't actually have control of the thoughts that pop up in our head, but we do have control over how we respond to them.
Similarly, we can't control all situations with our children. But we do have control over how we respond. Think about being calm, curious, and compassionate, and the end result of your discipline will more likely be a peaceful one.
Let's talk about redirecting and addressing. Your goal is to have a collaborative problem solving discussion with your child to allow them to reflect on their actions themselves. Think focusing on teaching and skill building versus consequences or punishment. We wait until the child is in the receptive state to redirect their calm, their alert, and this may even be later that day, or my children often like to reflect on those moments when they're lying down in bed, getting ready to go to sleep.
This is just feels like a safe place for them to kind of go back to those mistakes or and reflect on those choices. Be aware of signs your child is in a receptive state, and that you yourself are also regulated and ready to teach. Be consistent. Your kid needs to know what is expected of them. But you also need to be flexible.
So, of course there are going to be situations where you can't budge, and those are non negotiable situations. But we have to think of it disciplining this one specific child in this one specific moment. There's no one size fits all. There's a term that doctors Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. They, you know, they have many books out there with conscious parenting, but they call it Mindsight.
And it's really about having insight or think about curiosity, empathy, and then repairing or reestablishing connection. So what is necessary once we have hurt someone or made a mistake? These are the things we want our children to learn, right? We can really help them get there. And I'm going to tell you their acronym Dr.
Siegel's and Bryson's acronym of REDIRECT, reducing words. So avoid over talking or lecturing. Keep it simple and just address the behavior. Embrace emotions. So validate their emotions. We're not telling them to stop crying or get over it. Really feel and see and validate their emotions. Describe what you see.
So I kind of, uh, yesterday my, like, almost kicked over a little top to an applesauce. And so, you know, my first inclination was like telling my son to pick it up. Instead, I said, Oh my gosh, what is this? Like a meteor or an asteroid? He's really into space. And he just started to laugh and he was like, no, mom, this is the top to my applesauce.
He scooped it up. Put it in the trash can. So being able to be more descriptive instead of the demands, which unfortunately when we do lecture or we do get demands, our kids go into defensive and disconnection modes. Next involve your children in discipline. I love this question. What could you do next time?
You know, so you reflect with them. Okay. So this is where you were feeling. This is kind of what happened. You know, what would you do differently next time? Because they know, they know what they did didn't get them what they want. So let's let them start brainstorming or you can even say, Hey, let's come up with a plan together.
Let's work together to figure out what would be better next time. Reframe a no into a conditional yes, so this is empathizing with what your child wants, but also still upholding your boundaries and limits. And what this says is it increases their tolerance for delayed gratification and disappointment.
So it can be as simple as something even like thinking about the yet, right, or not right now, you know, yep, we can't have the dessert right now, not today, we've already, you know, had one, but tomorrow, I think that's a great idea, or what have you, or. I know we can't stay later at, you know, your friend's house.
We, we've really got to get going, but let's make a plan for the next time. Emphasize the positive. So we, instead of saying, don't run, we say, please walk in the house or when they're whining or screaming at you, you know, can you say that again in your calm, strong voice? Lastly is teach mindset tools. So we just, you know, went over what mindset is.
So think about mindfulness tools, like imagery visualization, you know, we can encourage kids to go to their happy place. You know, like sometimes I call it the happy place or Zen place. And some kids might have. The same one they go to and they add to it with colors and sounds and visuals, or they can have a different one for different moments.
Like maybe there's one for when they have to go to the doctor and get shots. Maybe there's one for when they have to talk in front of the class and whenever they're approaching something stressful, guided imagery and visualization is great. They can observe their own situation as an outsider. So sometimes this is called like as a director, if they were an actor, now go back into the director's chair and observe what's going on with you.
I like to say it as if your friend was in this position, what would you say to that friend? Or what did you expect of that friend? Right? Because we tend to, when it's ourselves, we either are harder on ourselves or we tend to close up and we can't more flexibly. And lastly, it was one of my favorites is image substitution.
I use this a lot with my clients. And my own kids, but just if there's something that's scary or just unnerving or just brings out not great feelings in them, and it's a specific image. And this probably tends to happen with kids that are about to fall asleep. Right. Just when I want them to go to sleep.
But just you can. Spice up the image, meaning like make it silly like it's like darkness. Okay. So let's, let's add some, like, imagine some like twinkle lights or, you know, I've had kids where we personify a worry and we call it the worry monster. Then let's, let's, let's like put this some, like a clown outfit on this worry monster or a fairy wings, et cetera.
When in doubt to go back to your parenting values and have those front and center when you're approaching discipline. Remembering that when we do this, we are actually strengthening our kids emotional intelligence. We're giving them more ability to recognize, regulate, and have appropriate responses and expressions.
I'm going to close with a quote from Dr. Shana Shapiro and Dr. Chris White's book, Mindful Discipline. Discipline creates harmony in the home, supports mental health, and a sense of well being. It's needed for us to function optimally and reach our full potential, and ultimately leads to a resolution of behavioral problems.
And they have in their book, one of my favorite Swedish proverbs is, Love me when I deserve it least, because that is when I need it most. So when we approach discipline as a form of teaching and work to connect with our kids and then redirect, we are helping them develop emotional intelligence and self discipline or helping create more connections with their brain.
That's it for this week's edition of Project Parenthood. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey, and or topics you'd like to hear more about, please reach out to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 646-825-7000. 9, 2, 6, 32, 43 Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips, Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson, and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy, and strong and live with ease.