Project Parenthood

Ditch roadblocks, build connections: unlocking effective communication with your child

Episode Summary

In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores common communication roadblocks that parents often fall prey to and offers tips for building stronger connections with your children by listening more deeply.

Episode Notes

Do you ever feel like your conversations with your child are hitting a dead end? That no matter what you say, the message just isn't getting through? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores common communication roadblocks that parents often fall prey to and offers tips for building stronger connections with your children by listening more deeply.

Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.

Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.

Links: 

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe

https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood

https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood

https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/

Episode Transcription

Do you ever feel like your conversations with your child are hitting a dead end? That no matter what you say, the message just isn't getting through? Well - you're not alone. In fact, there are twelve common communication roadblocks that can sabotage even the best intentions, leaving both you and your child feeling frustrated and unheard. In today's episode, I’ll give you a guide to understanding and avoiding these roadblocks, that will pave the way for open and honest communication with your child. 

Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them. 

Roadblocks: Silent Saboteurs of Communication

Imagine yourself in a scenario where your child, seemingly out of the blue, confides in you about feeling friendless at school. It's a natural instinct to want to help, to fix the problem and make them feel better. But in our eagerness to solve, we often resort to communication styles that can inadvertently do more harm than good.

Roadblocks like ordering, judging, praising, advising, even reassuring can send subtle messages that shut down your child's feelings and discourage them from opening up further. Statements like "Don't worry, everyone goes through lonely periods" or "You just need to be more outgoing" might seem helpful, but they can make your child feel dismissed and misunderstood. Roadblocks can also signal a lack of trust in your child's ability to make decisions. 

Let’s look at the 12 roadblocks more closely. 

1. Ordering, Directing:

• Telling your child what to do without considering their feelings or opinions.
• Example: "Clean your room right now, no excuses!"
• 2. Warning, Admonishing, Threatening:
  • Using threats or warnings to control your child's behavior.
  • Example: "If you don't finish your homework, you won't get any screen time for a week!"
• 3. Exhorting, Moralizing, Preaching:
  • Giving moral advice or trying to impose personal values on your child.
  • Example: "You should always share your toys. It's the right thing to do."
• 4. Advising, Giving Solutions or Suggestions:
  • Offering solutions or advice without considering your child's ability to solve the problem themselves.
  • Example: "You should join more clubs at school to make friends."
• 5. Arguing, Lecturing, Teaching, Persuading with Logic:
  • Trying to convince your child with logic or lecturing instead of acknowledging their feelings.
  • Example: "Let me explain why what you're feeling is irrational and why my solution is the best."
• 6. Judging, Criticizing, Disagreeing, Blaming:
  • Expressing disapproval or blaming your child for their actions.
  • Example: "You never think about others. It's always about what you want."
• 7. Praising, Agreeing:
  • Using praise to influence your child's behavior or agreeing without considering their true feelings.
  • Example: "You're such a good kid; you wouldn't do something like that."
• 8. Name-calling, Labeling, Ridiculing, Shaming:
  • Using derogatory language or labels to criticize your child.
  • Example: "Stop being such a crybaby. It's embarrassing."
• 9. Interpreting, Analyzing, Diagnosing:
  • Assuming you know the reasons behind your child's behavior without allowing them to explain.
  • Example: "You're just doing this because you want attention!"
• 10. Reassuring, Sympathizing, Consoling, Supporting:
  • Offering comfort without addressing your child's real concerns or feelings.
  • Example: "Don't worry; everyone feels lonely sometimes."
• 11. Probing, Questioning, Interrogating:
  • Asking too many questions that may feel intrusive or judgmental to your child.
  • Example: "Why did you do that? What were you thinking?"
• 12. Diverting, Using Sarcasm, Withdrawing, Distracting, Humoring:
  • Avoiding the issue, using sarcasm, or distracting from your child's problem.
  • Example: "Let's not talk about something less negative. Tell me something fun that happened at school instead."

Active Listening: The Road Less Traveled

Instead of taking the Roadblocks Highway, Dr. Thomas Gordon's Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) offers a different route: active listening. This non-judgmental approach puts your child's needs front and center. By simply listening without interrupting, giving your full attention, and reflecting back what you hear, you’re empowering your child to explore their own feelings and find their own solutions.

Imagine saying something like, "It sounds like you're feeling lonely at school. That must be really difficult." This simple acknowledgement validates your child's emotions and opens the door for a deeper conversation. As they continue to share, you can use active listening techniques like repeating key phrases, reflecting back emotions, and asking clarifying questions to show that you truly understand and are there for them. 

Active listening in P.E.T. goes beyond just using the right words. It's about building a genuine connection with your child. It's about showing them that you are a safe space for them to express their full range of emotions, without fear of judgment or retaliation. This means being open to their perspective, even if it’s different from yours. It means letting go of the need to be right and instead, focusing on being present and supportive.

For a deeper dive into active listening, check out a previous episode I did called How to Listen So Your Child Feels Heard. 

The Ripple Effect: Beyond Your Child’s Problem

The benefits of effective communication go farther than whatever the specific issue at hand is. By practicing active listening and avoiding roadblocks, you are:

• Building trust and closeness in your relationship with your child.
• Teaching them valuable life skills like self-awareness, problem-solving, and emotional intelligence.
• Helping your child become better equipped to handle life's challenges.

And defaulting to roadblocks in parenting can inadvertently communicate a desire to change your child and a lack of acceptance of your child's current state. They can ultimately cause your kiddo to stop talking and make it difficult for them to come to you with their issues.

So remember:

• Roadblocks shut down communication; active listening opens it up.
• Open-ended questions to invite dialogue - giving orders doesn’t.
• Validate your child's feelings without judgment.
• Empower them to find their own solutions.
• Building trust and connection takes time and effort, but the rewards are immeasurable.

This episode is just the beginning of your journey to becoming a more effective communicator as a parent. So check out P.E.T., practice active listening in your everyday conversations, and watch your relationship with your child blossom! 

That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, January 29 at 12:45pm for my monthly “Ask Dr. Coor” and get your questions answered in real-time! 

If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com. 

Catch you next week!