How are you supposed to just stand there and take this abuse?
It’s no fun when your child hurls insulting or inflammatory words in your direction. And yet using those challenging moments to criticize will only make the problem worse. Dr. Nanika Coor offers suggestions for helping your child learn to express their emotions in more appropriate ways.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about how to respond to your kid’s “rude” behavior. Stick around till the end to hear about how to teach coping skills with fun games.
You know what it’s like. You’ve sacrificed, you’ve exhausted yourself, you’ve bent over backward. You’ve played endless games you weren’t that into playing. You’ve researched which programs and activities are the most perfect fit ever for your unique and special child. I mean—what haven’t you done for this kid?
And here they are just yelling at you, telling you how much you’ve let them down, how terrible of a parent you’re being right now, maybe calling you names—maybe even saying they hate you! How are you supposed to just stand there and take this abuse?! Surely you must set some kind of limit—impose some sort of consequence—or at the very least let your child know how their horrible behavior is hurting your feelings.
It can physiologically and psychologically feel like a huge emergency when your child flies off the handle and speaks or yells at you in ways that register with you as disrespectful.
Fear not—this dramatic display of “unrest” is just your kid having big feelings. And as it turns out, setting a limit on words or tone of voice is unenforceable. You can’t keep your child from talking—or yelling. Even if you could forbid their harsh tirades, you can’t forbid the feelings fueling them. You can only control your response to their emotional outbursts. Here are some ways of managing yourself when your child is lashing out verbally, and how you can capitalize on the calm times.
As always in respectful parenting, your goal is to respond rather than react. Reactions are involuntary, responses are intentional. The first thing that’s going to happen when your child starts hurling unkind words at you is that your body will react. Your breathing may change, your heart may race, your hands or jaw may clench, and suddenly you might notice a lot of tension in your body.
When you have a gigantic reaction when your child uses inflammatory words, you’re making those words more interesting and compelling to use. Kids may be confused at all this power they seemingly have on their adult’s feelings. So they’ll want to experiment with that over and over to learn more about it and use harsh words more often. Minimizing your reaction is key.
So just pause, say nothing, and just notice your physiological reaction—but don’t act from that bodily sensation. Take a big breath with an extra-long exhale and remind yourself that your child can only get calm when you are calm. When your kid is upset, your job is to listen to their feelings and show understanding—even when their upset is directed at you. This is the intentional part.
You may not be able to enforce a limit around harsh words, but you can absolutely hold a boundary—you don’t need their cooperation for that. If you’re unable to be calm while they’re ranting—let them know! You could say, “I understand that you’re upset and I want to hear what you have to say. It’s hard for me to listen while you’re yelling. If you can find another way to tell me, then I can be more helpful.” You might even need to leave the room in order to get calm. If so, tell them that. “It’s hard for me to listen right now. I’m going to go calm down a bit and then I want to hear anything you need to tell me.”
It’s not a fair comparison to treat “rudeness” in children and teens the same way you would in another adult. If your child is under the age of 25, they are still in the process of developing the ability to regulate and/or inhibit their emotions and behaviors. With still-developing impulse control, they’re going to fly off the handle a lot. Expect it, and build resilience for it—it’s inevitable. But try not to give any deep meaning to whatever poisonous word-arrows they’re shooting at you. Sometimes your child’s hurtful words can even scare them when they’ve lost control.
Whether or not they know or understand the impact of their words on you, the fact remains that they are vehemently communicating their emotions—and these were the strongest words they could pull out of their minds to express those emotions.
One of your child’s core attachment needs is the need to be loved and accepted simply because they exist, rather than for how they perform, how they look, or how well they can suppress their authentic emotions around you. When your child loses it and expresses themselves in unfortunate ways, you can meet that core need by accepting their present-moment emotions just as they are. Your child learns to cope with their emotions by watching you cope with theirs.
Even though it might not look or sound like it, your child isn’t giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time. And they need your help right now. Your kids are relying on you to help when they’re lost in out-of-control emotions.
Just as an anchor on a rope firmly fastens a boat to the sea bottom, your calm understanding, attunement, and empathy convey that “I’m listening. Your feelings matter to me. I’m doing my best to understand. I’m not going to let either of us get stranded in your emotional storm. I’ve got you.”
Instead of taking your child’s strong words as a personal affront, or criticizing, dismissing, denying, or giving advice—show your child that you get where they’re coming from. Listen. Actively. Ignore the ouchy words and show that you accept the feelings they’re communicating. Let your tone of voice, facial expression, and body posture convey understanding, empathy, and acceptance.
So when your child yells that they hate you, for instance, take a deep breath and calmly acknowledge their anger. That could sound like “Wow—these are some strong words—seems like you’re really angry.” Continue to reflect back to them what you understand them to be feeling and thinking from their point of view. When kids can share how they feel with you they’re able to move through the feeling, come out on the other side, and ultimately let go of that emotion.
In the heat of the moment, when your child is overwhelmed, it’s not the time to try to teach them more appropriate ways of expressing big feelings. People can’t take in and retain new information while they’re in fight or flight mode. It’s when you and your child are feeling connected and calm that you can repair disconnections between you and explore what feels calming for them.
Your child’s still-developing impulse control and long-term memory mean that repetition is critical. It takes repeated experiences for children to internalize new information, and then be able to reach for the right information at the right time.
To sharpen your child’s impulse control for instance you could play Simon Says, Red Light, Green Light; Freeze Tag, or turn on some music and do some vigorous dancing and have your child freeze when you yell “Freeze!” or turn off the music. All of these activities involve stopping their bodies and controlling their impulses. So get creative devising “games” that involve using coping skills.
At a time when you and your child are doing something relaxing together like snuggling or reading or cooking, stop and tell your child exactly what sensations you notice in your body and see if they can tell you what sensations they notice in their body. You can point out to your child that this is what your bodies feel like when they’re calm! Now your child has a body-based indicator that can let them know that this is the place they’re trying to get back to when their emotions seem really really big.
Help them identify 3 things that could potentially help in the heat of the moment. More or less stimulation? Do they prefer you to stay close to them or far away, like outside of the room? Does experiencing a particular sensation help, like pushing their arms/feet into something, hitting or throwing something? Does drawing their big feelings help? Or maybe ripping paper?
Whatever you identify, reinforce those calming strategies by reading books about managing big emotions and role-playing with them using stuffies or action figures.
Test it out and report back!
Depending on your bandwidth at the time, accepting the emotions hiding behind your child’s harsh words will be more or less challenging. Either way, the words themselves are only indicators of their internal state—don’t take it personally. The more attention you give it, the more often it will occur. Aim your spotlight at the emotions underlying your child’s insults. Your child is allowed to be mad at you—it’s a normal human emotion.
If you’d prefer those normal emotions to come in a more appropriate package, it’s unlikely to happen in the heat of the moment. Work on it when things are calm. That’s the time to let your kids know that you can accept all of their emotions—but not all of their behaviors, as words can hurt. Let your child know how you prefer they speak to you at those heated times. Remember though that there’s no guarantee that they’ll comply, and you just can’t control the words that come out of someone else’s mouth. The more you give it attention and try to control it, the worse it will become. Try to let it roll off of you, and hear their words as overwhelm—they’re lost in their intense emotions. It’s not personal. Respond to the pain. Accept their feelings, and meet them where they are by showing empathy and understanding.
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about surviving your kids’ big feelings, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!