As kids are growing up and learning to be social beings, they’ll encounter both joyful and challenging situations. There will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings right alongside super fun, warm and fuzzy kid to kid interactions. All of this is just normal kid stuff! But things can become more complicated and more serious when bullying is involved. On today’s encore episode Dr. Nanika Coor gives tips for helping your child when they’re being bullied. Join us next week for new episodes again from Dr. Coor!
Dr. Coor returns to live episodes next week! On today's show, as kids are growing up and learning to be social beings, they’ll encounter both joyful and challenging situations. There will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings right alongside super fun, warm and fuzzy kid to kid interactions. All of this is just normal kid stuff! But things can become more complicated and more serious when bullying is involved. On today’s episode Dr. Nanika Coor gives tips for helping your child when they’re being bullied.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor.
Transcript:
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Sources:
https://www.stompoutbullying.org/tip-sheet-signs-your-child-being-bullied
https://www.apa.org/topics/bullying/prevent
https://www.understood.org/articles/difference-between-teasing-and-bullying
https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/youthviolence/bullyingresearch/fastfact.html
https://www.stopbullying.gov/bullying/at-risk
https://liftwithboystown.org/blog/teaching-students-the-difference-between-teasing-and-bullying
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
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https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/
As kids are growing up and learning to be social beings, they’ll encounter both joyful and challenging situations. Some kids long to have more friends, or maybe don’t know how to extricate themselves from a friendship that isn’t working anymore. There will be misunderstandings and hurt feelings right alongside super fun and warm and fuzzy kid to kid interactions. Sometimes your child is the kid that all the kids in class fight to sit next to, or maybe they’re the child on the periphery who doesn’t quite know how to join in. All of this is just normal kid stuff! But things can become more complicated and more serious when bullying is involved. On today’s episode I’m giving tips for helping your child when they’re being bullied.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
These days bullying is no longer confined to the schoolyard and sleepovers. Bullying also shows up in text messages, on social media and in the shadows of online anonymity. And its impact is profound, leaving scars that run a whole lot deeper than scraped knees and bruised egos. But when you’re equipped with some knowledge, empathy, and a toolkit of actionable strategies, you can intervene in ways that help to bully-proof your kiddo.
In its positive form, teasing and playful banter fosters closer relationships and connections, and usually takes place between buddies. Because we all have an innate human desire to be part of a group, teasing can be a good natured way of enforcing social rules or navigating awkward situations. It can help kids learn to take constructive criticism or help kids understand that you can poke fun at one another and still maintain a mutually respectful friendship. Playful teasing is characterized by its lightheartedness and the intention to bring people closer together.
But - even though the teaser may have harmless intentions, a child who isn’t in a playful mood, or has trouble reading social cues might feel they’re being teased in a hurtful way. The thing about teasing though, is that because the intention is to connect, it usually stops right away if it’s unwanted. For example, if Jessie becomes angry when Sam teases Jessie about their crush - Sam apologizes and stops teasing. When a child won’t stop teasing after being asked to - they’re veering closer to bullying.
Unlike teasing between buddies, bullying is relationally damaging. Bullying is defined as a pattern of unwanted and aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The power differential may be one of strength, popularity, or access to embarrassing information that a bully might use to intentionally harm or control another child. And we’re talking more than just mean words or pushing someone around once or twice. It's a repeated pattern of hurtful verbal (spoken or written), physical or social behavior that makes the other child feel afraid, embarrassed, or alone, which can have serious long-term consequences for all of the children involved.
From city streets to rural towns, kids can be vulnerable to bullying for different reasons. Groups like LGBTQ youth, those with disabilities, and anyone feeling socially isolated might face higher risks depending on the local environment. Negative stereotypes about these groups can make things worse, leading to more bullying, harassment, and even hate crimes.
While bullying can affect any child, some children may be more susceptible due to various characteristics like:
But keep in mind that these are just some potential risk factors, and not every child who exhibits one or more of them will be bullied.
While bullying often leaves visible scars, not every child wears them openly. Some signs might be subtle, but your observant eye can ultimately be your child’s lifeline. Here are some potential hints that something might be wrong:
Physical Shifts:
Changes in Routine:
Social Withdrawal:
Emotional Indicators:
Remember though that these are just potential clues, not a guaranteed checklist. Every child reacts differently to bullying and the absence of these signs doesn't rule out bullying.
Bullying can cause damage to a child’s well-being that reaches far into adulthood. And the impact isn't limited to emotional hardship; it's really a multi-faceted assault on a child's physical, social, academic, and mental health.
The emotional damages can include:
Physical Manifestations might look like:
Academic Struggles:
It's also important to remember that these consequences aren't fleeting. Studies show that the negative effects of bullying can linger into adulthood, impacting mental health, relationships, and even career choices. In extremely rare cases, the pain and anger fueled by bullying can even push some children towards unthinkable acts of violence.
When your child confides in you about being bullied, it’s natural to have feelings of fear, anger and helplessness. But amidst the emotional storm, remember that you are your child's anchor - so be a safe harbor. Listen without judgment, blame or overreaction, or your child will stop keeping you in the loop for fear of upsetting you. Let your child pour out their worries and fears, validate their emotions, and assure them of your unwavering support. Make it clear that there is absolutely no excuse for the bullying and that they deserve to be treated with respect. While the urge to "fix" the situation may be strong, resist acting impulsively. Retaliation against the bully or their family will only escalate the situation.
Instead, set the example of constructive problem-solving. Encourage your child to participate in finding solutions, which can empower them to take control of their situation. Help your child name and identify the bullying behavior. This gives them the language to articulate their experience and assert their right to be treated with dignity.
Guide your child in developing strategies to handle the bully, like being calm, unflustered, firm and assertive while telling the bully to stop or ignoring taunts and removing themselves from the situation. Remind your child that they don't need to stay silent if the bullying continues. They can report it to a trusted adult at school or at home. This can be done in person or even anonymously through a written note. Your child needs to know that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but a display of strength and acknowledging their right to feel safe. Practice these strategies through role-playing to build their confidence and preparedness. Don’t forget to involve the school (if that’s where the bullying is happening) in addressing the issue. Collaborate with teachers, administrators, coaches or other adults in charge to develop a plan to stop the bullying and ensure your child's safety.
Also remember that you’re not in this alone. In addition to getting your child the help they need, seek your own emotional support from your partner, family, trusted friends or mental health professionals. Sharing your feelings and experiences with those you trust can ease the burden and offer valuable advice.
While overcoming bullying may be a gradual process, it doesn't have to be insurmountable. By cultivating an environment of empathy, proactive support, and open communication, you can equip your child with the tools they need to rise above adversity and forge healthy, resilient relationships.
That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, January 29 at 12:45pm for my monthly “Ask Dr. Coor” and get your questions answered in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Catch you next week!