Siblings under the age of 7 can get into conflicts just like older siblings can, but it can feel more challenging to help them through squabbles when one or more of the siblings you’re raising is too young to use language to talk things through! Dr. Nanika Coor offers ideas for how to keep the relative peace in your home when you’re living with fighting little siblings.
Siblings under the age of 7 can get into conflicts just like older siblings can, but it can feel more challenging to help them through squabbles when one or more of the siblings you’re raising is too young to use language to talk things through! Dr. Nanika Coor offers ideas for how to keep the relative peace in your home when you’re living with fighting little siblings.
Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about the kind of conflicts that can pop up between very young siblings, especially when a younger sibling begins to crawl or walk and starts demanding more parental attention. Stick around till the end to hear about some ways to encourage your fighting little siblings to come up with their own solutions to their sibling conflicts.
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A few episodes ago, I did an episode about managing conflicts between siblings. Some parents have let me know that they’d like some more information about siblings who are both very young. Perhaps one is a baby and the others are toddlers or youngsters under 7 years old. It’s hard to know if and how to intervene when one sibling might have only rudimentary expressive language, and the other has rudimentary perspective-taking skills and/or is also in the thick of Big Toddler Feelings that can get triggered seemingly at the drop of a hat!
Adjusting to life with an infant sibling can feel shocking to a toddler. They suddenly have to learn to tolerate a whole new human who comes with unpleasant diaper smells and sometimes loud crying. And resentment can really start to build inside of them when their younger sibling becomes more and more able to get into the older sibling’s toys or other personal things.
Here are some strategies for helping babies, toddlers, and young children learn to tolerate each other’s developmentally normal - if sometimes frustrating - behaviors.
It can be painful to hear your children say unkind things to and about each other. You want your children to grow to love and support one another. So when your eldest asks you when the baby’s going back to the hospital - you can feel pulled to give lectures about not being “mean”. But resist! It makes sense that they’re feeling negatively about their sibling - being an older sibling is hard! What your older child needs at this moment is to know that you understand their predicament.
Validate your child’s feelings without using the same unkind language they may have used. Tell them that you know how frustrating it can be to have a younger sibling around all the time. Let them know that you get how annoying it is to have to play quietly because the baby is sleeping, or when the baby isn’t being gentle with their belongings. Tell them funny stories about their own babyhood shenanigans to normalize the challenges of life with babies who don’t understand at all how their actions are affecting other people!
Your older child needs to know that of all the things that have changed since their younger sibling came along - your connection to them hasn’t changed and remains as strong as ever. They are still your ‘baby’ - no matter how old they are! Invite or allow them to play at being a baby again. Invite them to sit on your lap and pretend to rock them or give them a bottle as you talk about all of the cool ‘super baby’ things they can do like playing a sport or climbing trees.
Instead of criticizing bad sibling behavior, help your kids see themselves as playing a positive role in each other's life. From time to time, notice aloud when your eldest behaves in kind, fun, funny, helpful, or empathetic ways toward their younger sibling or vice versa. When you see them getting along well, talk about how lucky the siblings are to have one another to help each other out, and to laugh, play, and cooperate with to get things done. Talk to the baby within earshot of your eldest about the amazing things their older sibling has done. “Did you know that today your big sister rode her bike all the way to the end of the block without falling once? She practiced and practiced and now she can ride a two-wheeler! Maybe one day she’ll teach you how to ride a bike!”
No matter how old both siblings are, carve out special child-led time with both of them on a regular basis to remind them that no matter how busy you get taking care of yourself, their siblings and your family as a whole, the relationship between you and that particular child is always solid.
It can be helpful to set aside a few minutes each day to have special 1:1 time with each child. Put all of your technology away and give your child your undivided attention. Set a timer for 5, 10 or 15 minutes, and let your child know that you’ll play whatever they want or do whatever activity they want during that time - within whatever boundaries you set (it has to be in your room, it can’t cost money, it can’t involve jumping, etc). During this special time, resist the urge to correct, admonish or change your child’s play. Just follow their lead.
Don’t take sides, making one child wrong and the other a victim. Stay neutral and put the siblings in charge of making things better. Describe what you hear and see happening for each child and invite them to collaborate on a solution. “Hmm. John is trying to build a structure with the blocks and doesn’t want the blocks moved around. Adam wants to play with the blocks too. This is a tough problem. What can we do?”
Sometimes when your kids are having a conflict, you might want to roll your eyes at what a ‘big deal’ they’re making over something you consider to be inconsequential, but swallow that urge. It’s important to be respectful of your children’s problems, which are very valid to them.
Most parents of two or more children could tell you story after story about how one sibling came running to them to rat out another sibling for breaking various house rules. Sometimes it might seem like your kids are constantly pointing out a sibling’s misdeeds. It can be confusing - you don’t want to hear about every possible misstep that happens between your kids, but you want them to feel safe to come to you with the bigger things that they might really need help with.
Because the urge to tell on someone is driven by the satisfaction of getting their sibling in trouble, one thing that’s helpful is to get rid of the ‘getting in trouble’ piece. So instead of handing down punishments or dismissals in response to tattling, you can acknowledge feelings, address the tattletale’s problem yourself, or invite them to work it out between themselves or - help them resolve conflicts with your support.
Imagine that Kid 1 runs to you to tell you that Kid 2 just shoved them. You might say, “Whoa - you don’t like being shoved! Are you hurt? Need a hug?” Or if Kid 2 is there too, you could respond, “Hey, Kid 2 - that shove hurt Kid 1’s arm. He absolutely does not want to be shoved!” Leave it at that and allow them to work out the rest. Removing punishment means there’s far less incentive to engage in tattle tale behavior just to one-up their sibling.
If an important rule has been broken - well, it’s already happened. Punishments and scolding aren’t going to take you back in time and make it un-happen! What can be helpful is to restate the rule and why the rule is important, and express confidence that it’ll be respected in the future. You can also invite the rule-breaking child options for making amends or fixing the mistake. When Kid 2 tells on Kid 1 because they knocked over a houseplant while playing with a ball inside you can say, “Uh oh - plant down! Here’s a broom to sweep up, and then you can help me re-pot this.” Or, “Hmm. There are too many people and things that can get hurt when a ball is flying around in here. How can we remember not to play with balls inside? We need ideas!”
When one of your children physically lashes out at their sibling, your involuntary reflex reaction might be to start yell-lecturing or handing out consequences (which is a friendlier term for ‘punishment’) so that your child doesn’t feel like they can get away with that kind of behavior. But if your goal is siblings who feel more tolerant of each other than resentful, and who have options for protecting themselves other than violence - punishments and scolding won’t get you there.
Fortunately, you can let your kids know that violence is unacceptable in ways that maintain sibling connection instead of building resentment, and that help them stay safe from being perpetrators or victims of violence in the future.
Instead of labeling either child “mean” or “too rough” or “aggressive”, take charge of the situation without attacking anyone’s character. You want to separate the children however you can, acknowledge both kids’ feelings and let them know you’ll be keeping everyone safe.
Your first job is protection - you’ve got to make everyone safe. This might involve physically grabbing a child without their permission, so it’s important to use the least amount of force necessary to separate the children, and to use language that conveys your intentions clearly. Rather than criticizing, shaming or blaming either child, simply - but strongly - state the rule or your values: “Hey! I can see you’re both upset! I can’t let anyone get hurt! Everyone needs to cool off separately.” Or, “Whoa! Siblings aren’t for hitting!” Or, “We need to separate! Our house rule is no hitting - no matter what!”
Job number two, once you’ve separated the kids, is to attend to the ‘victim’. Acknowledge whatever hurt they have and offer ice packs or hugs, etc. to help them feel better. Taking this time to focus on the hurt kiddo also gives you time to get calmer if you need to lower the volume of your angry-with-the-hitter-self and reconnect with your nurturing-parent-self. You can also invite the ‘offending’ child to help make amends with something like: “An ice pack would really help your sister feel better - will you get one from the freezer for her?...Thanks so much!”
Once everyone is calmer, circle back to the sibling who lashed out and show understanding for their frustrations with being an older or younger sibling and invite them to problem-solve with you on some solutions for getting their needs met without hurting anyone’s body.
This week I’m challenging you to accept whatever feelings your child is bringing to you about their sibling. The next time one of your children is venting frustrations with their sibling, after taking a deep and calming breath - try validating their feelings rather than shutting them down.
Remember that when your child is agitated it means they’re not in a state to learn anything new. So instead of being accusatory, lean into being warm, neutral and responsive. And later, during a time when both you and your child are calm and connected, you can acknowledge how hard it can be to be and to have a sibling. That could sound like, “It’s not always easy to be a sibling. What are some things a kid can do when their sibling is bothering them or messing with their stuff?”
Test some of these ideas out at home and report back!
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You’re never going to completely eliminate conflict between siblings, but trying some of these strategies may go a long way to changing the mood in your home and make post-conflict reconnection that much easier!
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I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about sibling rivalry between very young kids, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!