Boundaries and limits are a regular topic in the world of parenting. Parents want to know when and how to use them—and how to stick to them.
Many parents struggle with identifying, setting, and holding boundaries and limits with kids. It can be hard to know where to draw those proverbial lines in the sand. Dr. Nanika Coor offers suggestions for shoring up your limit-setting skills.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.
Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe
https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood
https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/
Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about tips to make limit setting with kids easier. Stick around till the end to hear about how to evaluate the effectiveness of your limit setting and boundary holding.
Boundaries and limits are a regular topic in the world of parenting. Parents want to know when and how to use them—and how to stick to them. Depending on how you grew up, boundaries and limits may be easier or harder to set and hold. If you grew up in a family where there were very few boundaries, it may feel difficult or worrisome to assert your boundaries or hold a limit. If your family of origin was more authoritarian, you might have had so many limits that you now feel compelled to set many limits and perhaps you feel more pulled to control what your child does or says.
Boundaries are what you will and won’t allow both physically and emotionally. It’s what you’re willing to do or how far you’re willing to go—and not an inch further. Luckily, you don’t need cooperation from anyone else to have a boundary because it’s an internal process. Your boundaries are your responsibility, and yours to assert and hold.
Limits, on the other hand, are imposed externally—on someone else. The bedtime routine beginning by 7:45 P.M. or having a no-hitting rule in your home are limits you might set. Again—it’s your responsibility to ensure that the limit is recognized. Making sure your child doesn’t do something that you have deemed unacceptable or unsafe requires you to commit to doing the work of helping your child internalize this limit.
Expecting a child younger than 7 to respect your boundaries or obey your limits on a consistent basis is a developmentally inappropriate expectation and also not your child’s job. If it’s important to you that a certain boundary or limit be held, it’s your job to hold them and take responsibility that it’s followed until your child has internalized it and it becomes routine for them. A limit is only effective if it’s enforceable. For some behaviors and some children, setting a limit may be as simple as making eye contact with your child when you see them about to do something not allowed and saying, “No—I can’t let you get up there. Come on down.” And they do!
At other times, and generally for most very young kids, you’ll need to physically “bring” the limit to your child. Just stating the limit is not enough. For example, let’s say you are setting a limit that your child can’t jump from the ottoman to the couch. You could let the environment set the limit for you—simply remove the ottoman. You’ve now made the jumping behavior impossible, and you don’t even have to verbally set that limit anymore. Another way to enforce this limit is to be there to physically prevent or redirect their behavior each and every time they attempt to jump from the ottoman. It’s a lot of work. And the younger your child is, the more times you’ll need to repeat this intervention before they’ve internalized the rule.
This is why it makes sense to choose your limits wisely. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself why you find a particular behavior unacceptable. Is this a matter of health or physical or emotional safety of people or property? Are anyone’s rights being infringed upon? If yes—then set the limit. If no—consider letting it go or negotiating with your child a way they can continue their behavior in a way that is more acceptable to you. If you’re having difficulty enforcing a limit, it might be time to reevaluate whether it’s really something you need to have control over or perhaps it’s something you can learn to live with.
Try to create conditions under which you can effectively hold whatever limits and boundaries are important to you—like organizing your routine and/or your environment to hold those limits for you. One example of using the environment to set limits is having a “yes space” for a baby or toddler. This is an area of your home where your baby can play and explore 100% safely and independently without you having to limit any of their behaviors because of safety concerns. You don’t have to say “no” over and over again. You can relax and just enjoy watching what your child is getting up to. Another example is putting away the toy bow and arrow and toy darts before your child’s friend comes over for a playdate, instead of having to remind someone else’s child—who may have different rules in their home—over and over again that the rule is no aiming arrows and darts at people.
Make it a rule for yourself to only use sentences with question marks at the end of them with your child when the subject matter is actually negotiable, and “no” is an acceptable response. For instance, if you say “Can I put your sunblock on now?” or “I’m not going to let you touch the socket, okay?” Although “No” is not an acceptable response, technically those questions allow for “no” as a response. It’s more helpful to make your limits into a statement: “It’s time to put your sunblock on. Let me know when you are ready.” And wait a bit for your child to verbally/non-verbally show you that they’re ready. If your child doesn’t indicate readiness after a while (count to 20 or 30 in your head), you might say: “I’m going to put your sunblock on now. Here we go.” And follow through with the task. What can be helpful to remember is to use a tone of voice that conveys the idea, “This is what I know.” As in, this is what I know: “It’s time to strap you into the car seat.” Versus: “Can I strap you into the car seat?” or “I’m going to put you in your car seat, okay?” You’re confidently letting them know what is about to happen, but you’re not asking for their permission in these cases. Put periods on the end of your sentences unless you’re giving your child a choice or negotiable options.
Holding limits is also easier to do when you tell your child what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do. That could sound like "I need you to put your knees or your bum on your chair. Can you do it by yourself, or do you need my help?" Do this with neutrality and not too much emotionality. You’ll have to repeat these limits calmly and repeatedly—hundreds of times if necessary—without getting flustered. So set boundaries early, before you become really upset.
Remember that kids are not always going to respond calmly to having their actions thwarted by you. You will run up against resistance and big emotions as a result of some limits you set. Some parents avoid setting limits in an effort to avoid their child expressing big emotions or having an all-out meltdown. Emotions aren’t an emergency and it’s important to show your child that you can handle those big emotions without retaliating in anger, without expressing helplessness or fear, and without having a meltdown of your own.
Your child is hard-wired to test the boundaries and limits you set for them. Don’t take it personally. It’s as if with some of their behaviors they’re asking you “Is it still true what you said before? Is it still true that I can’t touch this? Is it still true that I can’t go in there? Are you going to respond the same way as you did before?” The answer they always need is: Yep!
This week, take a look at the limits and boundaries you set with your child. Are they realistic for your child’s age and stage of development? Are you actually enforcing them or are you expecting your child to simply abide by your verbal directives? Is your child clear about what the boundaries and limits are? Are you reluctant to set limits because you worry about your child getting upset? Do you have so many limits and boundaries that some are hard to actually enforce and you feel like your child is always being resistant? Is it easy to set limits but not so easy to set them with empathy? Or is it easy for you to be empathetic but not so easy to be firm?
If you’re a parent who tends to be more authoritarian and controlling, the next time you have the urge to set a limit, just pause and consider if it’s possible and reasonable to be more accommodating and flexible.
If you tend to avoid setting limits in a more permissive way, practice stating your boundaries clearly, directly and kindly, and firmly. And practice holding space for the big feelings that may result.
Let me know what you learn!
Your child is still learning your rules and expectations for appropriate behavior. They’ll test limits to learn about themselves, other people, and the world. Kids have a need to express their will and experiment with the power of their words and actions—all while having very limited impulse control. So in the meantime, you’ll need to be your child’s impulse control. That means enforcing the boundaries you have and the limits you set.
When your child crosses boundaries, be calm, confident, and patient. Firmly set a limit, and then allow for and help them with any emotional explosions they have in response. The more you realize that all of these behaviors are really no big deal and developmentally normal, you can respond to most behaviors with relative ease.
When you are clear and calm about your boundaries, your child can relax knowing that you won’t get too flustered when they slip up and you’ll help them handle the behaviors they can’t manage themselves. When you stop your child from doing something in a firm, but respectful way—with gentle hands and a gentle voice—when they’re pushing limits, you’re helping them to figure out their world and feel safe enough to struggle, make mistakes, and learn and grow from them.
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about boundaries and limits or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!