How to keep your kids motivated for things like school, homework, chores and other tasks parents seem to care about more than them.
How to keep your kids motivated for things like school, homework, chores and other tasks parents seem to care about more than them.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Chelsea at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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When you were dreaming and planning to be a parent was nagging your child, reminding them over and over again and repeating yourself at the top of your list? Yeah, I didn’t think so… SO let's talk motivation.
Hi! Welcome back to Project Parenthood. host, Chelsea Dorcich, Licensed Marriage Family TherapistI am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness and non-judgment along the way. My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
Today’s episode we are going to discuss motivation - how do we get our kids motivated to go to school, do HW, chores and all of the other many things they do that we seem to be putting more energy into than them. We will look at behavior and motivation, breaking down the task and connecting it to desired outcomes, what problems come up getting motivated and implementing a system to keep them motivated.
Behavior before Motivation
Behavior comes before motivation - so sometimes we have to take a step forward before we get motivated to keep moving forward. Do you know how people say just work out for 10 min - either you get 10 min more exercise than you would have doing nothing or what is more likely to happen is once you start you feel motivated to keep going.
Think of a way or better yet collaborate with your child on how they can take just the first step towards the chore or HW - maybe it’s getting the HW area ready with papers, pencils, snacks and water. Or getting sheet music out and instrument tuned.
Then maybe they decompress or play for a bit before coming back to it or the act of setting up may just motivate them to complete the task then and there.
Break it down and Connect the Pieces
Similarly, try breaking down a chore or assignment into smaller steps and encouraging your child to take one step at a time. Maybe picking out an outfit before going to bed takes one step away from the morning routine or having chores broken down into one step actions and spread out
Find connections between less interesting things to those things that interest them more.Collaborate and brainstorm with your child what they want and how they think they can get there.
Plato: “Education is teaching children to desire the right things”
If we can connect education and chores and necessary skills to being the foundation to finding and wanting the right things for them - intrinsic motivation will be born.
Today, individual and societal success requires children to learn what society deems necessary. SO there can be a huge disconnect between what a child is learning and their future.
Help them uncover what they like to do, what they feel good about, what they see themselves doing when they are older
Disclose certain aspects of taking care of your home or your job that are not glamorous and what motivates you to continue to move forward. Or be honest, I have told my kids when i am struggling to get motivated to complete an assignment and they will start suggesting strategies
What happens when you have to do something or someone tells you to do something? Is it harder than when you choose to do something or think to do something on your own?
We are less motivated when someone else tells us what to do. Kids may actually be on their way to cleaning up their mess, yet as soon as we ask them to do it, they drag their feet or even refuse. I have had clients who have experienced this with their parents - they would be planning to finish a chore or assignment as soon as they got home, but as soon as mom told them they really needed to get it done - it turned them off of doing it.
Can you find a way to put your child in control in some of the situations they are struggling to stay motivated?
Maybe asking what else needs to get done before you play video games? What else do we need to get to soccer practice? Do you need support with anything before we go to your therapy session?
Problems and Solutions
Brainstorm what tends to get in the way of being on time or practicing or completing HW, then have them think up ways to counteract these speedbumps.
For younger kiddos you can do this on your own and get creative to be proactive to the challenges that tend to come up - when we are not caught off guard and already have some tricks up our sleeve it can put us at ease
When appropriate I encourage you to involve your child in this process, giving them more ownership
I have clients who complain about their parents nagging them or not giving them more privileges - the first thing I will say is ok let’s figure this out, how do we get them to stop nagging or give them more independence. I put the power in the child to figure out how they can not be the focus. Eventually they will end up saying, well if I just stay on top of my chores or my grades, or I practice my violin more or I make it to practice on time they will leave me alone.
Identify the costs of the behavior, to increase motivation to change. If they keep putting this off what happens? Explore and be curious what holds your child back - what reasons pop up in their mind? (why they can’t, shouldn’t, don’t want to)
Then explore alternative new behaviors that are more workable. And then sort out the practicalities: what skills and other resources are necessary?
“First, then” is a system you can use from age 1 to 18. Make the connection first we do this then we can get to that. Sometimes kids need a sandwich - my kids do better if they can play at the park after school or if they ride bikes after school before they do HW, then they go to practice or earn their desired activity.
Praising our children’s efforts no matter how small. It sends the message that their effort and attempt is acknowledged and validated. This can be verbal praise or leaving them notes on their desk or in their lunch . Lots of unconditional love - hugs as a reward/reset.
Some kids may have trouble getting started due to lack of motivation or executive function or it may be due to anxiety. There may be pressure in school that is overwhelming or there may be a fear of failing. They do what most do when anxious - they avoid it. Take time to reflect and explore this with curiosity and without judgment.
Develop a reward system or behavior chart
Brainstorm rewards with your child - the possibilities are endless
The system can be set up where you keep track of a certain behavior on a chart and after so many successes they earn a prize. Maybe it’s reading 20 min each day and after they earn 10 days they get a reward. Or if they finish the soccer season attending practices and games, trying their best they earn a bigger reward, like a day at a theme park. Or maybe after a performance that they rehearsed for many weeks they get to dye their hair. Or completing chores with minimal prompting or without being asked earns a bonus reward…
A behavior chart promptly awards desired behavior with stars on a chart or tokens in a jar.
You can use marbles or poker chips and when a jar is filled or when they get so many, the reward is earned.
Rewards can be anything from a special meal out, a day with a parent, a movie with a parent, a game night with a parent, a toy, gift card, a fun activity, cash, time with friends or special outing with friends, technology/ screen time - shows or video games, a special treat → at the end of the day if they pick the reward, they will be more motivated to earn it.
Over time you can slowly reduce the reward or make it take more days to receive rewards. Eventually things will become a habit and the system may no longer be needed. However, 6 months down the line you may need to revive it to get things going again.
Lastly, come back to values…What values are being ignored, forgotten, left behind by not moving forward?
That’s it for this week’s edition of Project Parenthood… Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and/or topics you would like to hear more about please reach out to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 646-926-3243.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips: Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong and live with ease.