The theme for NYC Pride Month is “Strength in Solidarity,'' reflecting the power and resiliency of the LGBTQIA+ community and its allies. In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor shares tips for ‘inoculating’ BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids against the slings and arrows of growing up amidst the ‘viruses’ of the gender binary, heteronormativity, and white supremacy.
In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor shares tips for ‘inoculating’ BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids against the slings and arrows of growing up amidst the ‘viruses’ of the gender binary, heteronormativity, and white supremacy.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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It’s LGBTQIA+ Pride Month in the U.S.! This year, in New York City, where my practice is located, the theme for Pride Month is “Strength in Solidarity,” reflecting the power and resiliency of the LGBTQIA+ community and its allies. Tune in all month long as I focus on tips for LGBTQIA+ kids, parents, families and allies.
Today I’m talking about raising kids who are Black, Indigenous and people of color who also identify as LGBTQIA+ - and how to help them thrive. These are kids who can face lots of challenges. But even with all they’re up against, it’s important to remember that when they are loved, accepted and supported for and because of who they are, it builds the kind of resiliency that helps them thrive.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
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In America today BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids face the unique challenge of navigating multiple marginalized identities. So they may face discrimination on two fronts: because of their race or ethnicity and because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. This can make it difficult for them to find acceptance and support, both within their families and in their communities. These kids may be more at risk of bullying, harassment and exclusion from mainstream society, but also in LGBTQIA+ communities where other BIPOC folks are scarce.
Experiencing constant subtle discrimination, or microaggressions, means they may not feel comfortable or accepted in majority white LGBTQIA+ spaces. Add to this the fact that these kids have a different cultural experience in the world than their white LGBTQIA+ young folks, and it can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness and the emotional pain that can come with not being understood by others. These kids might even feel that they’re included in majority-white LGBTQIA+ spaces because they are a person of color, but for purely performative reasons - to demonstrate that the group is being inclusive. While at the same time, the group avoids acknowledging underlying issues of inequality and discrimination - leaving queer BIPOC kids feeling marginalized and undervalued.
BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids - and their parents - can run up against barriers in accessing culturally competent support services and resources. Mental health professionals, healthcare providers, and educational institutions may lack understanding and sensitivity towards their specific needs and experiences. In fact there are several states that are passing legislation to officially bar these kids from getting the care they need. These barriers can get in the way of a young person’s ability to seek assistance, find inclusive spaces, and receive the support they need for their emotional, mental, and physical well-being.
Also - BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids can struggle with feeling invisible, as they may not have many role models and might rarely see positive representation of people who share their multiple identities. Media, literature, and popular culture often fail to accurately portray and represent the experiences and diversity of BIPOC LGBTQIA+ folks. The lack of positive reflections of themselves can contribute to the sense of not fully belonging in either the LGBTQIA+ or BIPOC communities.
Unfortunately many BIPOC LGBTQIA+ youth are rejected by their families when they come out - which is devastating and can also lead to depression and even suicide. Sometimes family rejection results in BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids becoming homeless. This can be particularly precarious because BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids are already more likely to experience physical, emotional, or sexual violence than their white counterparts regardless of their housing situation.
Even having said all of that, it’s important to remember that these challenges are not insurmountable. There are many resources available to help BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids thrive! And with the love, support, and acceptance of their significant adults, these kids have a much better chance of overcoming the challenges they face.
Here are some ways for you to help your BIPOC LGBTQIA+ young person thrive:
It goes without saying that you need to be well-versed in your child’s stated racial, ethnic and queer identities. Learn about the different orientations and gender identities that exist. Understand the history of the LGBTQIA+ movement, and be aware of the unique challenges that your child faces as a BIPOC LGBTQIA+ person.
Three resources to check out are:
1. "This Book is Anti-Racist: 20 Lessons on How to Wake Up, Take Action, and Do the Work" by Tiffany Jewell and Aurelia Durand. This book provides a comprehensive guide for children and young adults to understand and challenge racism and also addresses the experiences of LGBTQIA+ individuals within BIPOC communities.
2. The Trevor Project:This is a leading organization that provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQIA+ youth. On their website you can find tons of resources, like articles, guides, and support groups that specifically address the needs of BIPOC LGBTQIA+ children, teens, and young adults.
3. The Audre Lorde Project: This is a community organizing center for LGBTQIA+ people of color. They offer different resources, programs, and support networks that center the empowerment and well-being of BIPOC LGBTQIA+ folks. Check out their website to find information on advocacy, events, and resources tailored to the specific needs of LGBTQIA+ people of color.
From an early age, have open and honest conversations about gender identity and sexual orientation. If your child comes out to you or brings up thoughts about their gender identity or sexual orientation journey, it’s important to use your active listening skills so that you can validate their experience without judgment.
Make sure your home is a safe space where all identities are respected and celebrated, which promotes a sense of belonging for your child no matter how they go on to identify as an adult. Make it a part of your family culture to use inclusive language, such as using the correct pronouns and avoiding assumptions about any child's future relationships. Model kindness and empathy towards others, and emphasize the importance of respecting differences. Get involved as a family in community service activities that promote inclusivity, social justice, and equality.
Show solidarity with your child by prioritizing a safe school environment for every child in your kid’s school. Advocate for an LGBTQIA+ inclusive curriculum, policies, and support services within your school community.
Bolster your child’s emotional intelligence by encouraging open expression of their feelings and guiding them in prepping ahead of time for potential challenges they might run into. Let your child see you using resilience-building strategies, mindfulness, self-compassion, self-care, and seeking out supportive networks.
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Raising an LGBTQIA+ child of color in America means that both you and your child will come up against unfair and inhumane barriers in life. So build up their psychological and emotional “immunity” by promoting and normalizing inclusivity. Speak out against tokenism and push for meaningful BIPOC LGBTQIA+ representation. Advocate in your school community for policies and services that are responsive to the unique experiences and needs of all BIPOC LGBTQIA+ kids - including your own. And commit to ongoing learning and growth as a parent, so you can better create a space where your BIPOC LGBTQIA+ young person feels comfortable and safe to be their authentic self and express their authentic feelings.
Ultimately the most important thing you can do is let your child know that you’re there for them and that you’ll support them no matter what. That internalized knowledge that they are loved, accepted, and respected by the adults most important to them is like a vaccine for the challenges the world will throw at them for simply being themselves.
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That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found it helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, July 10 at 1pm for a Brooklyn Parent Therapy “Ask Me Anything!” I’m excited to answer your questions in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health like you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Happy Pride Month and catch you next week!