In her debut episode as host of Project Parenthood, Chelsea Dorcich explores ways in which we can integrate values into our own parenting journeys. Find out what exactly values are and what they are not, along with how those values can support us and guide us along the way.
In her debut episode as host of Project Parenthood, Chelsea Dorcich explores ways in which we can integrate values into our own parenting journeys. Find out what exactly values are and what they are not, along with how those values can support us and guide us along the way.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Chelsea at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Hello, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your new host, Chelsea Dorcich, licensed marriage and family therapist. I have a private practice here in California where I see kids, adolescents, parents, and families. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, and I'm hoping to bring more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non-judgment to this journey.
Together, I'm hoping we accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and along the way, discover. better outcomes for our family.
Today we will be discussing our parenting values: How do we choose, acknowledge and execute our values in our parenting?
I want you to think of your values being your heart's just deepest, most inner desires of how you want to behave as a human being.
How do you want to treat yourself, others, and the world around you.?
There are no right or wrong values and they go across so many different domains in our lives. So today we're just going to focus on the parenting. parent category.
Think of this statement as I read the list:
As a parent, I want to be…
Accepting, Adventurous, Assertive, Authentic, Caring/self-caring, Compassionate/self-compassionate, Cooperative, Courageous, Creative, Curious, Encouraging, Expressive, Focused, Fair/just, Flexible, Friendly, Forgiving, Grateful, Helpful, Honest, Independent, Industrious, Kind, Loving, Mindful/present, Open, Orderly, Persistent/committed, Playful, Protective, Respectful/self-respectful, Responsible, Skillful, Supportive, Trustworthy, Trusting
How else can we define values?
As a direction.
Intentional qualities stringing together our different moments into a meaningful path.
Something you do or a quality of something you do - not something you have - they never end.
Think of your parenting journey as a parenting bus and you are the driver.
I imagine some of you may literally feel this way already!
However, on this parenting journey you determine the route.
There will be passengers along your route that will try to convince you to change directions or misleading road signs along the way tempting you to detour…
Others around you offer opinions and advice, your own mental chatter, your experiences from childhood with your own parents, comparing yourself to other parents, etc.
Your friend Suzy’s kids always sit down when you have meals together - your kids get up a lot, when approaching this situation have your values in mind - how do we react or respond in the valued direction, the route we already set?
In other words it is up to us as parents to set our own direction, just like when you plug an address into the map app.
As we drive to our destination there will be situations and moments of parenting that may alter our direction temporarily.
Alternate routes will come up, we accept them, roll with them and keep heading in our desired direction.
German psychologist Erikson, who created the 8 psychosocial stages people pass through, said: “Only forbid what really matters, and in such forbidding be consistent”… what matters are your values… When setting boundaries and limits with your children, have your values at heart and let them guide your decisions - If we are saying no to something and you have a strong willed, passionate child who doesn’t give up - some mental chatter could be - “If I just give in right now, I will uphold the boundary next time”, yet we know that behaviorally speaking that one time we give in teaches our children they can break through the limit/boundary. We can think of it another way, “If I uphold a boundary and it is aligned with my values, I am essentially instilling those same values into my children.”
But what are Values not…
Values are not Goals - goals are things that you can obtain while walking a valued path. Goals are what you aim for in the future: what you want to achieve, have, get, own, complete or do.
Similarly, values are not outcomes, they don’t end.
Actions are what you say and do in order to pursue your goals or live your values.
Values are not Feelings - there are feelings that accompany valued choices, sometimes feelings can let us know if we are living in accordance with our values, doesn’t mean that values are doing what feels good → walking in a valued direction may not feel good. For example, as parents we need to let go of our ego to repair a rupture with our kids - it's uncomfortable but it moves us towards our values ~ and we then continue to model and provide examples of how to uphold values even in challenging times
When we uphold boundaries because we are being supportive, loving and mindful - it may still end with our kids crying or upset with us, but we stick to our values and feel empowered that we stayed on path even with temptations to “just give in”
Our parenting becomes empowered by our values → at the end of the day we are empowered by our parental choices even if the day didn’t end as smoothly as we imagined or hoped
Values do not mean our paths are always straight because obstacles can get in our way and prevent us from moving in the desired direction - our attention may wander, but we can turn and head in our desired direction again
What about the parenting moments we put in the category “parenting fails?” As a parent we always have the ability to respond and our response can always involve engaging in our parental values
Therefore, our values allow us to see when we have failed to stay on the path we have chosen and we can get back on course.
Think of your parental values as a beam of light - we can come back to this beam even when we wander off course or are tempted by other turns. Sacramento Kings fans think of that purple beam, light the beam and get back on course.
Please keep in mind, values are not a mental hammer to beat yourself up with or another measurement to fail against!
If you wander off your path and tell yourself you failed to stay on course - Ask yourself what you want to be as a parent? What do you want your parenting to be about? Acknowledge your values, feel the pain of the wrong turn, learn from it and move on to your desired path
So what happens when our values conflict… What does this look like and what do you do?
Think of a working parent. They may struggle with their frequent absences from the home - because They value work too much → however, this struggle actually demonstrates they value being with their family. What they need to work on is finding balance and a way to integrate both values.
As humans we have a mental game where we tell ourselves that we “win” when we get positive outcomes - our minds will always evaluate, compare, predict, and worry especially in regards to the next parental win… however values can’t be evaluated, nothing is missing. Think of values as perfect - in the sense that they are thoroughly made or whole (Latin “per” meaning “thoroughly” and “fect” meaning “made”). So maybe we can’t call ourselves perfect parents but our parenting values are in fact perfect.
When we fall into the traps of evaluating, comparing and worrying about our parenting methods, pause and take a moment to reflect on your values, on the direction your heading and make choices with reasons - no matter what your head is saying
At the end of the day, you know your child better than anyone else. As you learn and discover parenting books, articles, posts, and videos you can evaluate and compare these to what you are doing in your own parenting journey, however your values do not need to be evaluated or compared → therefore, as you come across new info, see how it fits in with the valued direction you are already headed.
Values exercise -
This concludes our episode. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and/or topics you would like to hear more about please reach out to me @cd.therapy, @ parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 646-926-3243. Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips: Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong and live with ease.