Feeling disconnected from your child after a fight? You're not alone! In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores why repairing those ruptures is key, tackles the hidden hurdles parents face, and offers a step-by-step guide to reconnect and build a stronger bond with your child.
Feeling disconnected from your child after a fight? You're not alone! In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores why repairing those ruptures is key, tackles the hidden hurdles parents face, and offers a step-by-step guide to reconnect and build a stronger bond with your child.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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It’s inevitable that you’ll have conflict with your child. It’s also inevitable that sometimes you’ll completely lose it and yell, use sarcasm, harsh words or otherwise behave toward your child in ways that you’re not proud of. Everyone disconnects from their kids sometimes. But what happens after? Today I’m diving into the world of parent-child ruptures, those moments of disconnect that leave everyone feeling a little lost. I’ll explore why repairing these ruptures is crucial, and the surprising barriers that can get in your way. I’ll also give you a step by step guide to reconnect with your child and strengthen your parent-child bond.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
Let's start by breaking down what these terms mean: parental rupture and parent initiated repair. Basically, a rupture occurs when there's a breakdown in the connection and communication between you and your child. It could be triggered by various factors, such as misunderstandings, disagreements, or unmet needs. Repair, on the other hand, involves you making a timely and intentional effort to acknowledge that rupture and taking steps to mend the relationship and restore trust.
In the book, Parenting from the Inside Out: How A Deeper Self-Understanding
Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive, Siegel and Hartzell explain that ruptures can stem from a wide range of situations, from minor not-seeing-eye-to-eye moments to major conflicts. Some common triggers include setting boundaries, handling tantrums, or dealing with unwanted kid behavior and kids breaking agreed-upon rules. Knowing what triggers ruptures can help you understand how they impact your interactions with your children.
When tensions rise, both you and your child may experience a flood of emotions, including frustration, anger, or sadness. These intense feelings can cloud judgment and hinder effective communication, making it challenging to resolve conflicts. But it's important to remember that these disconnections are a natural part of the parent-child dance where both you and your child crave closeness and space at different times.
Sometimes ruptures are benign misunderstandings, like your child misinterpreting your tone. Other times, ruptures arise from the healthy act of you setting limits, leading to your child’s temporary frustration. But the most concerning ruptures are "toxic" ones, where you’ve lost control and your behavior frightens your child.
Whether ruptures are big or small, it’s crucial that you take the initiative to repair them. Unresolved disconnections can lead to a growing sense of distance between you and your child. This can leave kids feeling ashamed, misunderstood, and with a wobbly sense of self. Luckily, repair offers a powerful antidote. By acknowledging the rupture and working to reconnect, you can build a deeper bond with your child. And the process of doing this teaches your kids a valuable lesson: that even after conflict, reconciliation is possible, and they are still loved and that you’ll still make efforts to understand them.
The path to mending a rupture with your child can be uncomfortably bumpy. Often, the biggest obstacles to making repairs lie within yourself. One common barrier is your ego. Admitting fault or apologizing can be difficult, especially when you feel justified in your actions. But that potentially stubborn pride can prevent you from acknowledging your role in a disconnection, taking responsibility for your mistakes and seeking reconciliation.
Parental guilt can also be a major roadblock. Imagine this: After a heated argument with your teenager, the anger lingers, morphing into a crippling guilt. You replay the scene in your head, fixated on the harsh words you used. This guilt can paralyze you, making it difficult to reach out and initiate repair. You’re so focused on your own overwhelming emotions that you may not be aware or even care about ruptured connection. The key is to acknowledge your guilt with self-kindness and compassion rather than suppressing it or acting it out - perhaps by journaling or talking to a therapist. By processing these emotions, you can move forward with a clearer head and a more open heart.
Another hurdle can be unresolved issues from your own childhood. Maybe you experienced a critical parent yourself, and their voice echoes in your head during disagreements with your child. These unresolved issues can be emotional triggers, fueling your reactions and hindering repair. Again - consider seeking therapy to address these deeper wounds. By healing your past, you'll be better equipped to create a healthier parent-child dynamic in the present.
Shame, the fear of being judged as a bad parent, can also be a silent saboteur where repair is concerned. Let's say you lose your temper during a fight with your child. The shame of your outburst might make you avoid any attempt at reconciliation. But it’s important to keep in mind that shame thrives on secrecy and isolation. So practice self-compassion. You're human, and mistakes happen. Let go of the need for external validation and focus on repairing the connection with your child.
Finally, there's the desire to simply "move on." Imagine this: After a minor disagreement with your child, you convince yourself it's not a big deal and try to act like nothing happened. While brushing off small ruptures might seem easier in the moment, it can create a pattern of disconnection. Unacknowledged ruptures build like tiny but thick walls, slowly distancing you from your child. Remember that even seemingly insignificant disconnections need to be addressed. Take a moment to acknowledge the disagreement, acknowledge your role in the conflict if needed, and move forward together.
These are only a few examples, and the specific obstacles might vary for each family. But by recognizing and addressing these internal hurdles, you can pave the way for a more open and connected relationship with your child.
The good news is, ruptures aren't permanent - here's a roadmap to help you reconnect with your child:
The first step is to center yourself. Did the disagreement leave you feeling hot with anger? Take some deep breaths, step away for a few minutes, or try a calming activity like stretching. Once you're feeling centered, take some time to reflect. Consider your own experience – you might ask yourself "How did that interaction make me feel?" Then, shift your focus to your child. Ask yourself, "What might my child be feeling right now?"
Once you're calmer and have reflected, it's time to initiate reconnection. You can say something like, "Hey Max, I know things got heated earlier. I’m guessing you might be hurt, sad or even angry. I really want to talk things through, but I also want to listen to how you're feeling." This acknowledges the disconnect and expresses your desire to mend it.
Now comes the crucial part: active listening. Put away distractions, make eye contact, and truly listen to your child's perspective without interrupting. Once they've finished sharing, try reflecting back what you heard. "So, it sounds like you felt hurt when I said ‘you never clean up around here and I’m sick of it - I’m not your maid." This validates their experience and shows you're paying attention. Then follow that up with an admission of any wrongdoings on your part.
For toxic ruptures that involve intense emotional distress, where in a state of fight/flight you lose control and end up doing or saying things you later bitterly regret - an additional step is necessary. Your child may be feeling incredibly alone with a deep sense of despair, rejection and hopelessness. If unrepaired, toxic ruptures accumulate over time, and kids can begin to think of themselves as defective and unwanted. Once you’re feeling calm and can access your sense of compassion for both yourself and for your child, briefly explain how your fight/flight mind state contributed to the rupture between you, take responsibility for the hurtful or harmful impact you’ve had on them, and reassure your child that you love them. Ultimately, your goal is to repair the relational damage and rebuild trust.
Know that ruptures with your child are inevitable, but repair is crucial. Instead of letting internal obstacles like pride, guilt or shame hold you back, be patient and persistent in your efforts to reconnect with your child. The roadmap to repair I’ve offered here can help you foster an environment of open communication, and you can build a stronger, more trusting relationship with your child.
That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, April 22 at 12:45pm for my monthly “Ask Dr. Coor” and get your questions answered in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Thanks for listening!