The importance of self-regulation for both parents and children, including how to manage emotions, senses, and impulses leading to better outcomes in daily life.
The importance of self-regulation for both parents and children, including how to manage emotions, senses, and impulses leading to better outcomes in daily life.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Chelsea at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.
Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe
https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood
https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
Hi, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Chelsea Dorcich, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non judgment along the way. My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and make the most And discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
Today we will be discussing self regulation and why it is important. Self regulation is our ability to regulate our emotions, senses, and impulses in a way that allows us to meet our goals and engage in socially appropriate behavior and actions. You may have heard or used terms like self control, self management, anger control, impulse control.
These terms can all be synonymous to self regulation. When our kids are dysregulated, or even ourselves as parents, it can be chaotic and unsettling. Our kids may have unexpected reactions to situations. Maybe they fall apart because the shirt they wanted to wear is dirty, their favorite cereal ran out, or because their brother looked at them the wrong way.
As parents, we can start to make mental notes of these moments when our children are not self regulating. When we are regulated, we allow ourselves to fully engage in life, whether it is with family, peers, school, work, extracurricular activities, and our energy goes towards things we value. When our kids are regulated, they'll be able to enjoy more ups and bounce back faster from those downs.
The more we as parents practice our own self regulation, the better equipped we are to help our children self regulate. Teaching children self regulation will feel like an uphill climb, and if you have a neurodivergent child or child with a mood disorder or sensory dysregulation, this climb will feel even steeper.
However, if we take this journey one step at a time, we will still get our children self regulating and have them feeling stronger and more empowered along the way. We are going to break down self regulation to three components, sensory processing, executive functioning, and emotional regulation. Sensory processing is organizing and integrating information we perceive with our sensory receptors so that we can act upon it.
So imagine completing a task wearing a shirt that has a tag that really, really bothers you, or reading and actually comprehending what you're reading while there's a distracting background noise. Executive function. That's the command control center, which oversees our actions and mental operations. And we spoke a lot about this a few episodes back, emotional regulation, our ability to control emotions, including monitoring, evaluating, and modifying intensity and timing of our emotional response.
There's actually a lot to this. And I really love and appreciate the quote from Aristotle to really hone in on what emotional regulation is. Anyone can become angry, that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not easy.
These three neurological components depend on one another. If one is down, then it diminishes one's ability to self regulate. I like to think of this as a tricycle. So if you have one wheel flat, you also get to places, but it won't be as smooth or enjoyable. So think about a child who is using most of their energy, funneling sensory input, or focusing on sustaining their attention on the task at hand, or keeping their anxiety at a manageable level.
The result is an exponential amount of a weight on one wheel. So our goal is to use self regulation skills to find more balance. Maybe you have a kid that is holding it all together at school or practice and they come home and just fall apart. They let those emotions loose. Try to think about a time you maybe did something similar where you held it together for a meeting or to get through an event only to find at the end of said event or meeting you go and find a safe and secure environment, maybe the pantry, maybe your bathroom or your car, and you take off that mask and you let your emotions loose.
When we consider the multitude of layers that are involved in self regulation, it gives us a better perspective when setting expectations for our children, and it can help us better support them along the way. So maybe you think of it as taking comfort in the fact that your child actually feels safe and secure enough in your home to become dysregulated, and know that you will help support them back to regulation.
So, how do our kids become more successful in regulating? There are a few things we can do specifically as parents. We can model self regulation. We can be mindful of our language when our child becomes dysregulated. And we can notice acknowledge our child's successful moments of regulating. So, modeling self regulation, we can talk out loud, even if it feels silly.
Maybe catch yourself talking to your kid saying, Well, this was unexpected. I wasn't planning on having this box of churros empty on the floor right before we have to leave for school. First, I'm going to feel my feet on the ground, I'm going to take a breath, and I'm going to ask for some help so I'm not overwhelmed.
Although this is something that would normally be internal dialogue, it gives our kids as examples and strategies in real time. So, or whatever tools you're already using, put those and verbalize them out loud so your kids actually know how did you get from this point A, where you probably were completely dysregulated, even for a nanosecond, to point B, where you actually were executing your goal and getting things done.
The moments when our child becomes dysregulated, we need to be mindful of our language. Our word choice can actually trigger a deeper spiral or it can slowly turn them around. Using terms like that was unexpected or asking how can I support. Or maybe just pausing and holding space for them and maybe just putting a hand on their back saying, yeah, this is rough right now, but I got you.
I support you notice and acknowledge your child's successful moments of regulation. Maybe their sibling is pushing their buttons and they were able to ignore and walk away. Praise that and reinforce it. Even if you feel like there's one moment out of 20 own in on that success and build off of it. Your children will notice that you are noticing.
So what are the tools we can use? Here are a few that we can just practice and see what stands out to you. Maybe you just pick one at a time or you go already are doing some and you add on a few more to your repertoire. Mindfulness. So this is anything from breathing, grounding exercises, journaling, recognizing triggers.
What makes you feel each emotion? We can help identify these for our children. Is it their hunger? Is it a busy day with a lot of activities or the opposite? Maybe a day without any schedule activities and too much free time. Maybe a sibling receiving a lot of attention for something. Maybe there's a parent traveling.
Recognize limits. What is your threshold? How do you know when you need to take a break? Model this for your child and help them recognize their own limits. After school, maybe your child needs to reset and recharge, so thinking of, they can't go straight from dismissal to homework, maybe they need 15 minutes of some unstructured time, or maybe they need a quiet car ride home or walk home where you're not asking about their day, maybe they just need to decompress and regulate and then they can start to engage.
A favorite quote from a Maren Morris song is, every good show has an intermission, so take your breaks and encourage your children to do the same. Making connections to emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Once we make those connections, we can link them with sentences like, I am calm when, or I am angry when.
When I am calm, my thoughts are. When I am calm, my body feels. And helping your child make those connections. Fidget toys, these, Can be almost anything at home where kids can have access to them, maybe in their room or a special place in the house at school, we do have to get a little bit more creative because we want our children to be able to stay.
attentive to the teacher and not disrupt other children in the classroom. Zen strips are probably my favorite. Um, they're little sticky strips that have a texture and this allows children to keep their focus on the teacher and it doesn't take away from the other kids in the classroom. Progressive relaxation is a little muscle exercise.
It's so much a body scan, but we're intentionally engaging and tightening muscles on our inhale and then intentionally reducing and releasing that. Stress and tension on the exhale. This is one that most of my clients Say it's our favorite tool and they use it in school and sports and a disagreement with someone.
Lastly, rating our emotions. So using scales, number scales, like 1 to 5, you know, where are you, or a thermometer, you can actually draw one or print them out. Uh, zones, thinking about like an, you know, angry zone or a zone that I need to, oh, this is a zone I need to actually stop and pause, this is a zone I need to slow down, or this is a zone I'm good to go.
Putting these tools together in one place, whether you have a binder or maybe a special box, a specific shelf, you have a calming corner, and you're trying to keep track of which tools are actually helpful, maybe some that are not, and just realizing that some may work better in certain contexts. Our goal is to practice tools several times a day.
This will actually help decrease sensitivity before escalation. And you want to practice when you feel most comfortable and in control. When we're dysregulated, it's harder to recall our tools, strategies, unless we have already ingrained them with habitual practice and exposure. So think about rote memory, and we think about mindfulness and dysregulation practice as a muscle.
In order for it to be stronger, you have to continue to train and practice. That's it for this week's edition of Project Parenthood. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey, and or topics you would like to hear more about, Please reach out to Parenthood@Quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 6469263243.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips. Holly Hutchings. Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson and Brandnan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong, and live with ease.