Dr. Nanika Coor offers suggestions for understanding and supporting your transgender or gender-diverse child.
As a parent, what should you do when your child doesn’t conform to society’s gender binary of “boy” and “girl,” or their gender doesn’t match their assigned sex? How do you adapt to who your child is telling you that they are, rather than force your child to adapt to rigid societal norms? Dr. Nanika Coor offers suggestions for understanding and supporting your transgender or gender-diverse child.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript and additional resources are available at Simplecast.
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Happy Pride Month parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, in honor of Pride Month, I’m talking about ways to support and affirm trans and gender-diverse kids. Stick around till the end for ways to think about cisgender privilege.
What do you do when your child doesn’t fit neatly into society’s rigid gender binary that says boys and girls have to dress, behave, and think in narrowly defined ways depending on the category their sex chromosomes put them in—XX (female) or XY (male). When forcing your child into that (arbitrary) binary doesn’t line up with your respectful parenting values, what are your other options?
Great question!
Here are 6 ideas for supporting your trans or gender-diverse child:
Parents find out their child is gender non-conforming (GNC) in many different ways, but what I often see in my practice is a lot of gender exploration in the toddler years. Sometimes toddlers are insistent that people referring to them as a “girl” are completely wrong, and they emphatically and repeatedly declare that they are a boy (or vice versa). Sometimes they aren’t correcting anyone—adults are saying that they’re a girl, and they’re not contradicting that—but they aren’t interested in adhering to any rules about what girls are supposed to wear, play with, or enjoy. They do what they want, and perhaps adults would categorize those clothes/activities as “boy” things. Other kids seem to go back and forth, stating they’re a girl one day and a boy the next. Or maybe they insist that they’re both—or neither!
However you find out or however long their period of exploration, try as best you can to go with it. Let them wear what they want to wear and play with whatever toys they wish. It can be really hard to trust your child to know who they are at such a young age or settle into a “wait and see” stance—but that’s really what’s best for your kid. It may take time and space for them to figure out what feels most true for them. And remember, gender isn’t something that’s fixed, but can evolve over one’s lifetime. The important thing is to meet their unique gender expression with sensitivity, understanding, and acceptance, and let them know that they’re supported by their family no matter the outcome.
It’s important to increase your gender literacy, use correct terminology, and continue to learn about and confront your own gender biases. In the end, much of the distress GNC children sometimes feel is less about their gender diversity and more about society’s lack of education, acceptance, and affirmation.
Be on the lookout for any emotional problems in your child such as low self-esteem, social isolation, depression, anxiety, self-harm, or suicidality that might indicate the need for mental health support.
Connect yourself, your child, and your family to your local LGBTQ+ organizations, communities, and events so that both you and your child can deepen your understanding of the realities that GNC kids face and also so that your family knows that you are not alone.
As the parent of a gender-diverse child, it’s important to challenge the gender stereotypes you and your child are exposed to. But all parents can do their part to relieve the burden on families with transgender members of being the only ones educating those around them.
Here are some suggestions:
Many adults don’t realize how gendered everyday language can be. Here are some ways you can use language that creates safety for your gender-diverse child and all children:
You are your child’s rock. You may have to advocate for your child with family and friends, at their school, or in your community. It’s up to you to make sure they feel loved, like they have someone they can trust and rely on who respects their gender identity expression. Don’t underestimate the protective impact of parental support.
Because we’re still waiting for more widespread acceptance, you might find yourself experiencing conflict with extended family resulting in you having to set boundaries with them to protect your child’s emotional safety. Remind family members that they can hold on to their histories and family culture and still allow for the breaking of the mold and challenging the status quo.
At school, you may have to push back against the system for your child to be able to use bathrooms and locker rooms that are safe and comfortable for them and for school staff and peers to use your child’s preferred name and pronouns.
Get involved along with your child in activism, organizations, and support networks that lift up and make the world safer for transgender and non-binary folks.
You might have a lot of big feelings when your child shares that they are trans or gender non-conforming in some way. You might have to shift and redefine your entire worldview around your relationship with this child.
There will likely be a period of mourning, fear, and sadness for the life with your child you thought you would have or anticipatory grief about the hardships you imagine they’ll face in the future.
Will people deny them their moral or legal rights as human beings? Will they be physically safe from those who would be harmful? What about all of the dreams you had for their future? How will this impact them at the intersection of their other marginalized identities? It’s hard enough to live outside the gender binary on its own, but when you add white supremacy/racism/ableism and all of the other isms—how will your child cope and survive?
The best thing you can do is educate yourself and have a safe space to process your fears and uncertainties in ways that do not make who your child is responsible for your emotional experience. You need someone who will listen to your complex feelings and all the questions you don’t have answers for yet. Forming gender-diverse kinships outside of your family helps to expand your community of care, justice, and love that your child can feel safe within. Connecting with other families raising GNC kids through support groups can be a source of support for the whole family, particularly when it comes to navigating social and physical gender transitions. These groups give the opportunity to learn about legal, medical, and school issues and receive emotional support.
You might seek therapy for the whole family and individual family members as well. Family therapy can be a place of refuge where everyone can be honest and your gender-diverse child’s identity is nurtured. It’s valid for family members to have fears around your child’s gender expression, but it’s unsupportive to express those fears and uncertainties to your child. In therapy, you can build self-awareness and emotional regulation that can strengthen your relationship with your GNC child—all of which are beneficial to your child’s well-being and social-emotional development.
In addition to seeking external support, it’s also important to engage in self-care. I offer mindful self-care strategies in the episode 3 Strategies for Becoming a Better Parent.
I’m challenging folks this week to think about cisgender privilege!
If you have a gender non-conforming child, especially if you are a parent whose biological sex matches your gender identity (this is called cisgender) it’s important to recognize the privileges you benefit from in life that your child does not—things you don’t have to put up with or consider in your daily life. For instance, if you are a cisgender parent who conceived your child naturally, you had the privilege of being able to achieve pregnancy without spending thousands of dollars to become a parent.
Contribute to making the world a more gender-diversity-friendly place for your child and all children by becoming more aware of how you may transition between being affected by various forms of gender oppression and how you may unintentionally be the perpetrator of gender oppression.
Does understanding your cisgender privilege help decrease any unconscious assumptions that cisgender identity is the preferred identity and other identities are deviant or that everyone you meet is cisgender?
Let me know your thoughts!
Your ability to be a gender-affirming parent directly impacts your child’s psychological and physical health, academic performance, and their relationships—both now and in the future. At the same time—because society doesn’t make a ton of room for gender diversity, it makes sense that you might have a lot of fears about your child’s future safety and inclusion.
Lack of exposure to the reality of gender diversity might also mean that you just don’t know a lot about it and that’s okay! Educate yourself, process your feelings with a mental health clinician or other trusted adults, and make sure you’re not projecting your worries onto your child in the form of dismissals, pleading with them to be different, or forcing them to conform to society’s rigid gender expectations. And remember that getting support for your family as a group and/or as individuals can also help everyone feel more secure.
Children only thrive when they are being seen, heard, and valued for exactly who they are, so celebrate who they are. Shower your amazing gender-diverse child with love and acceptance—this is what will be the foundation for the resilience they’ll need as they venture forth into the world as their authentic selves.
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about raising gender non-conforming kids, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243, and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Catch you next week!