How to troubleshoot bedtime conflicts. Stick around 'till the end to hear about ways to practice staying calm.
Don’t you just love that time of evening when you’re counting down the minutes until your “adult time” starts? You’re wiped out from the day and so is your child. Maybe teeth got brushed, maybe someone was wrangled into pajamas, maybe the lights are even out—and yet, bedtime seems to drag on and on. And on. Dr. Nanka Coor offers tips for troubleshooting your kiddo’s pesky bedtime shenanigans.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about troubleshooting bedtime conflicts. Stick around till the end to hear about ways to practice staying calm… when you’re already feeling calm!
Bedtime can be a fraught time. Both kids and parents may be exhausted after a day packed with activity and interactions both positive and negative. Parents who are tired from their own busy days are now trying to get kids fed, bathed, and settled down for sleep, which may be easier or harder depending on the temperaments, amount of bandwidth, and level of activation and fatigue of everyone involved. When it can seem so touch and go—sometimes going off without a hitch and sometimes seeming to take three times as long—it’s helpful to have some tips for getting through the daily “final frontier” of bedtime.
Routines create for your child a sense of safe and calm inevitability. As much as possible keep your bedtime routine the same each night so that your child’s system begins to associate these activities with sleeping time. It helps to start winding down the noise and light levels as lights out draws near. Teeth brushing, pajamas, books, talking about what happened today and what will happen tomorrow, a song, then lights out is one rhythm—but each family will have their own. The more your child can anticipate what comes next, the easier it will be for you both.
If you go into bedtime with a goal of staying on your kid’s team and facilitating good vibes between you, you may have much better luck. Whatever you can turn into a game, the better. Give the toothbrush a persona and a funny voice, pretend you don’t know how to get their pajamas onto their body. Turn off all of the lights and read books by flashlight under the blankets. Find ways to create connection, warmth, and safe coziness—all of which are a great foundation for feeling relaxed enough to let go of the day and succumb to sleep!
As kids move into the toddler, preschool, and kindergarten years, bedtime can set the stage for a battle of wills between parents and children. For parents that lean toward being overly-strict, a battle of wills can be a reminder to pause and check in with yourself to see if it makes sense to be more flexible and accommodating if it’s reasonable and possible to do so. For a more permissive parent, finding yourself in a battle of wills can be a time to take a deep breath and think about setting a clear boundary.
All parents can sometimes benefit from the practice of “dropping the rope,” a term parent consultant Robin Einzig uses to describe disengaging from a power struggle. This involves detaching from whatever your agenda is in that moment—the thing you’re trying to make happen with your child. It’s accepting that what you want to happen isn’t going to happen right now because your child simply isn’t ready—sometimes for a reason you’re not going to figure out.
When you drop the rope, you’ve realized that it’s time to take a break from the effort of locking horns—you’re putting your side of the rope down in this tug-of-war. That might look like remaining silent instead of pleading or arguing with your child. It might be moving on to the next part of bedtime and revisiting the “battleground” issue a bit later or dispensing with a particular parental requirement altogether because it’s not an expectation your child is able to meet in the moment. Sometimes it looks like going to do something else for a couple of minutes to give both of you a moment to get calm so you can continue with the bedtime routine from a place of connection instead of conflict. Whatever it might look like for you and your child, build into bedtime a time cushion that allows for some off-task behavior from your child and some dropping-the-rope on your end.
When you go into the bedtime routine with a dialogue running through your mind about how terrible bedtime is going to be, you may be unintentionally bringing heightened energy into the situation. The activation in your nervous system of anticipatory worry, fear, or irritation can activate those very same emotions in your child. You may not always be able to be warm and cuddly, but try to do your best at remaining calm. It’s better to wait calmly when there is a lot of stalling rather than show a great deal of upset. Your upset will only prolong the situation. Try to come into the bedtime situation with the idea that it will take as long as it takes and that however long that is is finite. It’s gotta end sometime!
On the nights when you have the bandwidth, try to show compassion for your child’s plight. It’s not easy to let go of their time with you, their time with their toys, and let themselves surrender to sleep. Life is just so exciting! It’s hard to settle down! Especially when your ability to calm yourself is still in a state of development. It makes sense that kids need some help at this time of day. Acknowledge that it’s not always easy to say goodnight, show silent empathy when they have big feelings about brushing teeth, taking a bath, changing into pajamas or even lying down. And still—gently but firmly stick to the limit of “It’s bedtime.”
This is a part of remaining and conveying calm. It makes sense that you’re anxious to get to the adult portion of the evening and get a break from parenting, but the more you rush your child the more you might trigger in them an intense need for autonomy, which could look like digging in heels and resisting your requests. Instead, move slowly, wait for readiness, and lead with empathy—that may actually get you to adult time faster, and more smoothly!
Try to stay present with your child as you help them get ready for bed. The more you’re able to really be with them during this transition to sleeping, the safer and more ready to let go your child is able to be. So leave your smart phone in another room, and when you feel your mind drifting to the other non-bedtime concerns in life, try to re-center yourself on your breath in THIS moment. In this moment you’re trying to be 100% here with your child (and sometimes that effort only yields 20%—but that’s still better than zero percent). You’ll deal with the “other” stuff when this stuff is over. One thing at a time. Just breathe.
You’ve said there will be one book then one song before lights out, but here you are on book number 3 or song number 4. We’ve all been there. And sometimes there are good reasons for being a bit more flexible. But when you’re “giving in” in an effort to avoid a tantrum or other expression of big emotions, you’re digging both you and your kiddo into some unhelpful patterns.
It’s okay for your child to get upset. Your child learns to handle their emotions by being allowed to experience and express their emotions without it becoming a parental emergency. You learn to handle your child’s emotionality by bearing calm and affirming witness to it and seeing that you both survive it again and again. So hold your limits and allow your child to have whatever feelings they want about it.
It’s often the case that at bedtime when your child is overtired, they’re more likely to do things that will result in firmly-set parental limits, because they need to express some big feelings. As unpleasant as this may seem to you at this time of evening, sometimes it’s exactly what your child needs to do to actually settle down. They may be holding on to feelings from the day that need releasing. Instead of trying so hard to avoid it, allow the meltdown to occur and run its course. If you can, try to stay emotionally connected with your child while they struggle to work through these hard emotions. Chances are, once it’s over, they’ll be ready for sleep.
When a bedtime routine needs to be changed for some reason, don’t spring it on your child by surprise, but also don’t drag it out for too long either. Tell them a day ahead of time, and role-play the new changes during the day. Let’s say you’re ready to phase out sitting in your child’s room until they fall asleep. During the day, let your child know that tomorrow you’ll be doing bedtime differently. Walk your child through what will stay the same and what will be different by acting it out with them.
Have your child choose a stuffed animal or other toy to represent them at bedtime—you could even temporarily call the toy “Bedtime Jane” (insert your child’s name here)—and pretend to do the bedtime routine with you giving the toy a kiss goodnight and then leaving the room. Have your child (as “Bedtime Jane”) pretend to protest and play out how you will handle this, perhaps by coming in, rubbing their back for a moment and then leaving again. Play out this scene as many times as your child wishes. That night, do real bedtime the “old” way for the last time, and during the following day, offer the option to role play again if they wish. Then implement your changes as planned at the next bedtime. Stick to it—it may take several nights to a whole month for everyone to get used to and internalize the new changes. Don’t decide that a new strategy “doesn’t work” until you’ve consistently done it for two weeks or more!
When your child cries, calls out, gets in bed with you or otherwise needs you after you’ve said goodnight it can be hard to know how to respond. Some kids have a harder time letting go of their parents for the day. Try not to be an over-stimulating presence if you decide to walk them back to bed—be as boring as you can be! Be accepting of their upset and acknowledge that it can be difficult to fall asleep and express confidence in their ability to get themselves to sleep without engaging in power struggles, scolding, or begging.
That might sound like “I know it’s hard to get back to sleep, buddy. And I also know that you can do it.” Or “A bad dream woke you up? I’m sorry—that must have been so scary! I’ll walk you back to bed and sit with you for 10 breaths.” Or “I’ve already filled your water bottle. You can eat and drink again at breakfast in the morning.” Or “Reading is all done for today. We’ll read again in the morning.”
You will get lots of advice about when and how to have your child start sleeping independently in their own bed or their own room—alone. But it’s important to note that a child sleeping alone in a room by themself is a modern and particularly American phenomenon—and it doesn’t work for every family culture. If everyone sleeps well when everyone is in the same bed and it doesn’t interfere with your own needs for connection to yourself or a partner, then, well—if you don’t have a problem, you don’t have a problem! And other people’s opinions are just that. Do what feels right and good for your family.
There’s no “right” sleeping arrangement. But there are sleeping arrangements that allow everyone to actually get a good night’s sleep and arrangements where it’s the exact opposite—and everyone wakes up exhausted. If you fall into the latter category, and really if any family member is getting poor sleep—it’s hard for them to behave in kind and thoughtful ways. Ongoing sleep deprivation puts a person in survival (fight/flight) mode. So if someone’s having trouble sleeping well, it’s always a good idea to take a second look at many of the variables affecting sleep. Factors like activity levels during the day, the timing of meals, naps, and bedtimes, screen time usage, and sleep hygiene are all areas where a change might be necessary—outside of, but possibly including sleeping arrangements.
This week, instead of waiting until just before bedtime to start gathering your inner resources, plan ahead for how you’ll find a place of calm when your child is stalling or otherwise being resistant at bedtime.
Will you need to have a warm cup of tea or cool glass of water nearby for when you need a mini-break? Will you need to step out of your child’s presence to calm down or can you get calm in the same room—even if they’re having a hard time? Know what your calm-down strategy is going to be ahead of time, and practice using it in non-bedtime moments when you’re feeling only slightly activated or not activated at all.
For instance, the next time bedtime is going super-smoothly, as your child is happily brushing their teeth, practice doing 4 cycles of 4-7-8 breaths. First, on a scale of 1-10, rate your current level of agitation. Then inhale silently through your nose for four counts, hold that breath for 7 counts, and exhale audibly through your mouth for 8 counts. Repeat 4 times. Rate your level of agitation again. Has it changed at all? Does doing this exercise during calm times help you use it when you feel a more heightened state of agitation?
Test it out and report back!
Bedtime is an ending—a transition where a child needs to move from a wakeful state to a restful state, but so many obstacles can get in a parent’s way of facilitating this process. It’s important to remember that like eating and toileting and having emotions—a child’s willingness or ability to sleep lies within them. You can’t force a child to sleep, but you can create a favorable environment for a restful state. You are a major part of your child’s environment. And what you do have control over is whether or not you’re going to engage in behaviors that maintain or increase your child’s felt sense of safety and calm or behaviors that ignite fight/flight/freeze reactions in your child. Trying some of these conflict-reducing strategies might just clear the path leading to those post-bedtime activities you’ve been looking forward to all day!
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram @bkparents.
If you have more questions about managing bedtime, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!