In this episode, Dr. Coor offers guidance for parents raising boys to reject toxic masculinity. Learn how to challenge limiting stereotypes, foster emotional openness, model healthy behavior, and navigate external pressures so you can raise sons who embrace authentic and compassionate expressions of masculinity.
In this episode, Dr. Coor offers guidance for parents raising boys to reject toxic masculinity. Learn how to challenge limiting stereotypes, foster emotional openness, model healthy behavior, and navigate external pressures so you can raise sons who embrace authentic and compassionate expressions of masculinity.
Find a full transcript here.
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When kids are playing together, how often do you hear phrases like "Don't be such a crybaby." Even during the innocent interactions of childhood, the pressure has begun, and the unspoken rule is: “big” boys don't show their feelings, especially not sadness or vulnerability. But it’s simple dismissals like this that set the stage for a lifetime of emotional suppression.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood. Today, I’m diving into the troubling messages boys begin absorbing from the moment they start navigating their social world. I want to unpack why that everyday playground interaction, and countless others like it, turn out to be so significant.
When it comes to raising sons, you might be bombarded with confusing and sometimes harmful ideas about what it truly means to be a "real boy" or a "real man." From a young age, boys are internalizing messages that equate masculinity with being tough, stoic, and emotionally closed off – narrow definitions that are incredibly limiting.
Traditional views of masculinity often emphasize dominance, control, and suppressing vulnerability. But what if there's a better way? What if folks could raise sons who feel empowered to embrace the full spectrum of emotions, build genuine connections, and reject the harmful aspects of toxic masculinity?
That's what I’m talking about today. Over the next few minutes, I’ll offer some practical strategies to help you navigate the journey of raising boys. I’ll touch on where these limiting messages come from, why emotional openness is crucial for boys' well-being, and how you, as a parent, can model and encourage healthier expressions of masculinity.
I think it’s time to challenge the outdated notion that "boys will be boys" justifies harmful behavior. Instead, I’m inviting you to focus on fostering empathy, respect, and emotional intelligence in your sons. Raising emotionally safe boys isn't just good for them, it's also essential for building a more equitable and compassionate world for everyone.
So how do parents guide sons towards a more authentic, less rigid and more holistic understanding of manhood?
First of all, where do these limiting ideas of masculinity take root? It’s not just one place, it’s pretty much woven into the fabric of their everyday lives. Think about the toys marketed specifically to boys – often emphasizing action, aggression, and building things in isolation. Then there’s the media – from superhero narratives where emotional depth is often secondary to physical prowess, to casual comments that reinforce stereotypes.
And it’s not just advertising. Sometimes it comes in the form of the subtle cues during interactions with peers and even well-meaning adults. A gentle boy might be teased for not being "tough enough." An expressive boy might be told to "man up." A sporty boy might be told to “stop crying right now and walk it off.” These seemingly small moments accumulate, teaching boys that certain ways of being are acceptable, even celebrated, while others are a source of disapproval, ridicule or shame.
This leads to what some researchers call "gender policing." Boys learn to monitor not only their own behavior but also the behavior of other boys, sometimes reinforcing these narrow definitions of masculinity in order to fit in and avoid being ostracized themselves. The fear of being labeled "weak" or "girly" becomes a powerful motivator for conformity.
As parents, it makes sense to worry about this social pressure. You don't want your sons to be targets. But understanding where this pressure comes from is the first step in helping them navigate it. It allows you to be more intentional in the messages you use to counter those external influences. The pressure is real, but it doesn't have to define who your son becomes.
A core misconception about boys is that they’re somehow less emotional or less in need of connection than girls are. Developmental Psychologist Niobe Way’s book, Deep Secrets:
Boys’ Friendships and the Crisis of Connection, tells a very different story. She interviewed hundreds of Black, Latino, white and Asian American boys across adolescence and kept hearing stories of similar experiences. During early and middle adolescence, boys relish deep connection in their male friendships. Boys feel deeply. They experience joy, sadness, frustration, and fear just as intensely as anyone who identifies as a girl or a woman. The problem isn't a lack of emotion, but often a learned suppression of it.
When boys are taught, directly or indirectly, that expressing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, of being too feminine, of possibly being gay (both of which are deemed to have less cultural value than traditional masculinity), they start to build walls. As they enter late adolescence and adulthood, they learn to bottle up their feelings, and disconnect from close friendships as they work hard to appear stoic and independent. Niobe Way calls this a "crisis of connection" where boys struggle to both receive and express care. This crisis can lead to isolation, loneliness, anxiety, depression - even violence and suicide as hypermasculine culture pressures them to give up continuing to develop emotional intimacy and intelligence. The energy it takes to constantly monitor and control your emotional expressions is exhausting and ultimately damaging to their well-being.
Niobe Way reminds readers that traditional masculinity isn’t inherent or biological - it’s a mostly Western construct that was created - and thus can be re-created. When boys feel securely loved and know it's safe to show their emotions and be fully human, a lot of the need to project dominance or toughness can simply melt away.
As a parent, one of the most powerful things you can do is actively validate your sons' feelings. When they're sad, acknowledge their sadness. When they're frustrated, recognize their frustration. Let them know that all emotions are valid and that expressing them is part of being human, and a sign of strength rather than weakness. This creates a safe space for them to be their whole selves, fostering deeper connections with you and with others. You can show them that emotional openness is not just acceptable, but essential for a fulfilling life.
Humans are inherently social and empathetic beings, wired for connection and naturally curious about others' minds, even showing a tendency to help strangers from a young age. However, constructs of hierarchy, like dehumanizing stereotypes based on gender, race, and other categories, disrupt this innate capacity for empathy. These stereotypes create divisions that hinder our ability to connect and understand others, overriding our default social mode and our core capacity to love.
American society operates within a very rigid understanding of gender that’s ultimately dehumanizing – a strict binary of masculine and feminine. This can be incredibly limiting for boys, suggesting that certain interests, behaviors, and even feelings belong solely to one side of this divide. There is a hierarchy where white rich men are on the top, and all those who don’t fit those categories are on the bottom. And the requirement for staying on the top is that you don’t show any of the qualities of those folks on the bottom, like vulnerability, sensitivity, intimacy or emotional investment in relationships. The reality is that human experience is far more fluid and diverse. The reality is that almost every human feels vulnerable and a desire for relationships, but we’re asking boys and men to ignore that. They’re somehow required to be less than fully human - to deny a huge chunk of their humanity.
When boys are confined to a narrow definition of masculinity, they’re discouraged from exploring a wider range of their potential. Maybe your son enjoys creative arts, or has a natural inclination towards nurturing and care. These are not inherently "feminine" traits; they’re simply human traits. By inadvertently reinforcing this binary, you can risk making boys feel like they have to choose, or hide parts of themselves that don't fit the traditional mold. Niobe Way states that this disconnection from their emotional selves coincides with a dramatic rise in the suicide rate for boys, highlighting the dangerous consequences of this culturally sanctioned dehumanization of boys and men. Reconnecting boys with their full humanity is crucial to combat both self-directed and other-directed violence.
Parenting offers endless opportunities to challenge this restrictive thinking. You can expose your sons to a broad spectrum of interests, activities, and role models. Show them male figures who are artists, caregivers, and who express a full range of emotions. Let them know that it’s perfectly okay to enjoy things that might be traditionally labeled as "feminine." You can get used to saying things like, “Dance class (or any other activity or behavior) is for everyone”, “Clothes are for everyone”, “Everyone cries - it’s part of being human.”
Instead of erasing the concept of masculinity altogether - what about expanding its definition? Parents can create space for multiple ways of being a boy, and eventually a man. By doing so, you can free boys from the pressure to conform to a limited ideal and allow them to embrace the richness and complexity of their own identities. Boys need to understand that strength comes not from adhering to a rigid stereotype, but from the courage to be authentically themselves, whatever that looks like.
I’m going to take a minute here to speak directly to men. One of the most profound ways you influence a son is through your own actions. They’re constantly observing you, absorbing not just what you say, but how you behave. This makes you a powerful role model in shaping their understanding of what it means to eventually be a man - especially if you’re a man yourself.
Think about how you express your own emotions. Are you open about your feelings, or do you tend to shut down? How do you treat others, regardless of their gender? Do you share household responsibilities? These seemingly everyday actions send powerful messages to your son about what is acceptable and valued.
If you want to raise your sons to be emotionally intelligent, you need to model that intelligence yourself. This looks like acknowledging your own feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, and processing them in healthy ways. It also looks like showing empathy and respect in your interactions with others.
The impact of admitting when you're wrong or apologizing when you've made a mistake is huge. It demonstrates vulnerability and accountability, which are crucial aspects of healthy masculinity that often get overlooked. Processing difficult moments together with your sons creates a sense of closure and models constructive communication and boys need to see the important men in their lives prioritizing that kind of relational repair for them to begin to internalize it as a valuable part of interpersonal interactions.
By actively reflecting on your own behavior, you can consciously present a wider, healthier set of actions for your sons to witness and potentially adopt. Even if they don't become carbon copies of you, they’ll know that there are alternative ways of being a man – ways that prioritize respect, empathy, and emotional honesty. This modeling provides a tangible framework for them to build their own understanding of manhood.
Despite best efforts at home, boys inevitably encounter external influences that can challenge the values you’re trying to instill. Whether it's interactions with peers at school, messages in the media, or even comments from other adults, the world outside your home often reinforces traditional, and sometimes toxic, ideas about masculinity.
You can't shield your son entirely from those influences, but you can equip boys to navigate them. The key here is open dialogue. Create a space where your son feels comfortable talking to you about what he sees and hears. Ask him questions: "What do you think about that? Why do you think they said that?" This encourages critical thinking and helps boys process external messages rather than passively absorbing them.
Just as you can model healthy behavior within your family, you can also model how to critically analyze external messages. Share your own perspectives on what you see in the media or hear in conversations. This shows you son that these messages aren't unchallenged truths and that it's okay to question them.
Help your son identify his own core values. What does he believe is right and wrong? What kind of person does he want to be? When he has a strong sense of his own integrity, he's better equipped to filter out negative external influences.
You can't control how others behave, but you can empower boys to decide how they’ll respond and how they make sense of those interactions. By fostering open communication and critical thinking, you give them the tools to navigate the external world while staying true to a healthier understanding of themselves and masculinity.
All that I’ve laid out here boils down to this: as a parent, you have what it takes to raise emotionally safe boys who can move beyond the confines of toxic masculinity. There isn’t a rigid set of rules or a perfect parenting hack for doing it, though. Instead, you can foster resistance to the dehumanization of toxic masculinity simply focusing on developing a trusting and nurturing deep connection with your son.
Listen to your son with curiosity. Taking them seriously. Listening with the intent to understand how they think, feel and make sense of the world - rather than relying on your stereotypes about how they think and feel. Truly listen, not just to your son’s words, but to the emotions that lie beneath them. Ask open-ended questions. Ask your son to tell you stories about their life. Talk with him openly and honestly about feelings, about relationships - that it’s normal to want them, and about the kind of person he wants to be now, and in the future. Respect his experiences and validate his emotions, even when they differ from your own. When you listen without judgement with your only goal being to learn from them, about them and about yourself, you’re showing that there is value in that kind of interpersonal curiosity about others’ thoughts and feelings. You’re modeling that one can’t just assume they know what other people are experiencing, you’re modeling what it looks like to allow another person to be seen as they see themselves.
In the children’s public television show called Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, Fred Rogers used to say to the child viewers, "I like you just the way you are." And that’s the message that all boys need to get from their adults. That kind of fundamental acceptance, communicated consistently, builds a bedrock of confidence that allows boys to navigate the world from a place of authenticity, rather than a place of performance. When you allow boys to hold on to their humanity and their natural curiosity and treat boys with more openness, empathy and understanding they begin to see themselves and others through those same lenses.
By creating a foundation of trust and connection, you’re empowering your son to embrace a wider, healthier understanding of masculinity – one that values empathy, vulnerability, and genuine connection over dominance and emotional suppression. This not only benefits your son’s well-being but also contributes to a more compassionate and equitable society for everyone.
Trust your instincts. You know your child best. Continue to have these conversations, to model healthy behaviors, and to strongly support your son’s authentic self. The journey of raising emotionally safe boys is an ongoing one, but the rewards – for them and for the world – are immeasurable.
I hope you found this helpful. I’m so very curious about what you listeners want to to learn about, what parenting questions are keeping you up at night and what struggles are feeling tender. Even who you might want me to interview on the show. So share your thoughts with me via Instagram @bkparents, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243. I want this new era of the show to be about community, creativity, and collective care. If you feel sparked, follow your impulse to connect! And I’ll catch you next week.