Chelsea explores the concept of control and how it affects both kids and parents. She outlines ways to help your child identify what’s in their control and how to handle what isn’t, using tools like control circles and mindful reasoning. Discover how to foster flexibility, create backup plans, and empower your kids with choices for smoother, more resilient problem-solving.
Chelsea explores the concept of control and how it affects both kids and parents. She outlines ways to help your child identify what’s in their control and how to handle what isn’t, using tools like control circles and mindful reasoning. Discover how to foster flexibility, create backup plans, and empower your kids with choices for smoother, more resilient problem-solving.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available as Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Chelsea at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Control, the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. There are days when we feel totally in control and days where we feel like we have little to no control. There will be races and contests that are lost. How do we as parents model acceptance of what is out of our control and commit to what is in our control?
Hi, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Chelsea Dorcich, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non judgment along the way. My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
When things don't go the way we hoped they would, we will have so many feelings like grief, disappointment, anguish, resentment, hopelessness that stream through us. Allowing such feelings is okay, and often the necessary step to moving forward. The problem is not our thoughts and feelings, but the fusion with them.
Flexibility is a key component. Having cognitive flexibility, allowing those thoughts and feelings that are helpful, guide us, and those that are not so helpful, learning to let them be. Grief and disappointment can actually guide us just as hope and joy can. We are going to look at control circles, mindful reasoning, blind consent, and action and consequences to help our children navigate what is out of their control, and maybe we'll even absorb some tactics for ourselves as parents.
Control circles. Usually there are three circles, one dedicated to what we have no control over, one dedicated to what we have total control over, and the last one we have some control. So no control would be how others feel, or think, or behave, Total control would be how I behave, how I respond to my thoughts and feelings.
And then there's some control, or sometimes I'll put influence in this circle. You know, what I eat, what I wear, what I do today, thoughts, my feelings. There's a common misconception that we have control over our thoughts and feelings, but the reality is we don't. And this is where often we as parents, human beings, kids, We actually lose some of that power because we're struggling so much with our thoughts and feelings instead of focusing on how we respond to those thoughts and feelings.
So we can make general control circles that apply to most situations. However, it can be really helpful to create one for a specific situation. Maybe there's an altercation or miscommunication with a friend. Maybe the fact that a child has to shower after a busy long day or that they have to share the last piece of cake with a sibling.
This leads us to mindful reasoning. So when our child is faced with said situations, or let's say they're set up for an activity or a task and something goes wrong. It can be helpful to reflect back on control circles when determining how to solve the problem. Part of navigating our control or maybe lack thereof is actually having both acceptance and flexibility.
So being mindful of our ability to accept what is out of our control. And then being mindful of our ability to be creatively flexible when we have no control or we feel like we have no control. How can we get creatively flexible? We can definitely model this as parents while also empowering our children to have a choice and be creative when there are only so many options.
This may include having a backup plan. Kids may need to rehearse and practice coming up with backup plans or different routes when the unexpected comes up. Backup plans can include coping skills, as well as alternate behaviors or routes. Think of this undesired outcome or unexpected fork in the road as a detour.
And our job is to navigate back to the desired route. So this is where flexibility comes in. Instead of being stuck just because something didn't come out the way we wanted to, or because all of a sudden there is this roadblock, we have to have that acceptance that, oh, this was not expected. I didn't want this.
However, that's not going to stop me for getting to where I want to go. I just need to be a little bit more flexible, a little bit more creative. So during a conversation with your child, you can be curious and ask them, okay, let's say you get to school and you realize you didn't have your library book or your chemistry book, or you're sharing for the day.
What would you do? Ask them, what would you do? Depending on their answer, you may need to provide suggestions or alternative options. So they're aware of what you're doing. All that is in their control is similar to when we talked about self regulation. So when our child goes to school, they may hold All of them together.
They may be holding it all day and they come home and they let it loose. And that could be hard as a parent to be the receiving end of that. It can be similar. Our children are at school all day and they may not have a lot of choices about what they're learning, where they got to sit, what was for lunch, what their friends wanted to play, if their friends, all the rules of what they were playing, or even included them in what they're playing, we, as parents may need to set up afterschool routines with choices for them.
So maybe there's a list of things that need to get done and they can have a choice in what order they do everything. Maybe they can choose if they want music while they're doing homework or music while they're bathing. Maybe they get to choose whether it's a shower or a bath tonight. As parents, we will We definitely have moments in which we just want our kids to follow the rules or expectations without us having to be flexible or patient or creative.
One thing to keep in mind when we get to those moments is this term blind consent. So think back to when your child turned two or give or take months, um, and that question why start coming out every 30 seconds, or maybe you're there right now, such a hard and exhausting stage to navigate. However, this is the question we want our children to ask throughout adulthood.
As parents, we need to be aware and hopefully eliminate the use of the phrase. Because I said, so not only does this strip all control and power from our kids, it encourages them to give blind consent. We don't really want our kids just giving their blind consent throughout their life. We want our kids to know what they are agreeing to and why, or we want them to understand why they have to shower or bathe or why they have to move their body or why they have to eat vegetables.
So as parents, it might be nice to remember that as easy as it could be just to close the situation, say, because I said, so do we want our kids doing that when another adult tells them that, or when some appear says that we want them to have information and feel informed in that decision or in that next step or that necessary task, even if they don't have a lot of say in it, let them understand why it's happening.
So actions and consequences, we can choose how we respond to events that come up. We remind our kids that all choices have consequences, whether good or bad. When there is an event in the household, you can review with your children or child what their choices were in that moment. And what the potential consequences are for each choice.
So as mentioned before, you can always just brainstorm various scenarios ahead of time that your child may face and help them pick three choices they have and what the consequences are for each choice. Or again, as things come up in your house or at their school day, you can go through this process with them, give them a broader view of what actually is inferred control and what are the consequences, good or bad.
Of those choices. Lastly, as parents, we can provide assurance for our Children. When things are out of our control, we can still show up for them. We can continue to provide for Children support, mental, emotional and physical support as we keep our focus on moving forward. Accepting the hand that we have been dealt and showing them how we commit to living by our values and focusing on what is in our control, have that discussion about the map or the route and that this is a road barrier.
And this doesn't mean the end of the road for us. This just means we have to be a little bit more creative. We have to be a little bit more flexible. We might have to have a little bit more grit in our system, but we are going to still. Find our way to our final destination. We are going to get there.
That's it for this week's edition of project parenthood. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and non judgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and or topics you'd like to hear more about, please reach out to Parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a message at 646 926 3243. Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at Quick and Dirty Tips, Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson, and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong, and live with ease.