Project Parenthood

How do you get your kid to speak up for themselves?

Episode Summary

814. Is making sure your child isn’t a doormat feel fraught with worry about them being “too aggressive”? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents through the foundational skills of respectful self-advocacy and how to cultivate them in your child, helping your child move through social challenges with more self-understanding and ease.

Episode Notes

Related Project Parenthood Episodes:

Navigating the "cringe": How to parent kids who hate emotions

Ditch Roadblocks, Build Connections: Unlocking Effective Communication with Your Child

Find a transcript here.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

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Episode Transcription

Grounding

Do you feel a familiar pit of dread in your stomach when you see your child shrink away in sullen silence when another child takes their toy or their turn? Do you notice yourself having thoughts like, “Why can't they just stand up for themselves?” You tell yourself they need to be strong, they need to be tough to survive, but then when they try to assert themselves, you see the adult world pushing back. This constant push-pull of wanting your child to be safe, yet also wanting them to be heard, is exhausting, and often leaves you feeling confused not knowing how to help your child navigate their world.

Welcome back to Project Parenthood, I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week I’ll help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community. Today I’m unpacking the practice of teaching your child to self-advocate, which is the essential skill of identifying and respectfully expressing needs, interests, and rights.

Before I dive in, take a moment to notice what came up for you just hearing the topic. Did your shoulders tighten? Did you remember a painful moment from your own childhood when you couldn't speak up? Just observe whatever sensation, thought, or memory is present for you right now, without judgment. Bring open, benevolent curiosity to whatever is alive for you. This awareness of your own internal landscape is where self-advocacy begins.

Let’s get into it.

The struggle

When your child struggles to self-advocate, it might look like them becoming passive, saying "yes" to things they clearly don't want to do, or maybe sometimes defaulting to using aggression: yelling or pushing when they feel unheard. You can worry that they’re either too timid to thrive in a competitive world, or too aggressive to maintain positive relationships. Your reactive thoughts flip from, “They’re going to let everyone walk all over them” or “They’ll never make or keep any friends if they act like that!” You find yourself instantly intervening, speaking for your child, which can feel necessary at times, but then you worry that they’ll think that their own voice is less capable than yours.

For parents from historically marginalized backgrounds - on the one hand you know firsthand that for your child to speak up means they might risk being perceived as defiant, ungrateful, or “too emotional”— and that this might mean they’re penalized more harshly based on race, gender, or ability. So you step in to protect them. But - you also really want them to own their voice and feel they have agency. The cycle of anxiety and over-intervention is keeping you both stuck.

Contributing factors

Your child’s passive compliance or aggressive outbursts are simply unskilled ways they are trying to get their needs met. The deeper roots of these communication challenges is usually a lack of self-awareness and then validation of that internal experience. Your child needs to be able to successfully answer, "What do I need and how do I feel when that need goes unmet? How do I feel when my need is met?" before they can effectively ask for support.

Consider these deeper factors that might be influencing your child's ability to speak up:

Emotional invalidation: If, when your child expresses an internal state—like "I'm not tired!" after a big day, or "I'm still hungry!" right after dinner—you usually dismiss or correct them (e.g., "No you’re not - you just ate!"), you inadvertently teach them that their internal experience is unreliable or wrong. This directly undermines the foundation of self-awareness.
Systemic expectations: Many environments, from school to public spaces, are designed around a white, neurotypical, able-bodied standard. When your neurodivergent or non-white, or non-able-bodied child needs a break, accommodations, or simply a different way of learning or behaving, the system often interprets their needs as non-compliance or a bad-parenting problem. Without the language to explain their specific needs, their only remaining option is often disruptive behavior or total shutdown.
Lack of explicit skill building: Self-advocacy is not an innate skill, it has to be taught. The ability to use clear, respectful, assertive communication—the vital middle ground between passive and aggressive reactions—requires explicit, practiced tools, like using "I-statements." If your child hasn't been taught this language, they can only rely on instinct, which often manifests as yelling or retreating.

This is why a respectful parenting lens is so crucial. If you validate the feeling first, you support the necessary self-knowledge. When your child says, "I'm annoyed because my friend took the toy I was playing with," their core need is for their thoughts and feelings to be heard and understood. If you rush in to fix the situation, punish their tone or dismiss their emotions, you may miss the opportunity to teach them that their feelings are valid and that their boundaries matter. Respectful, collaborative engagement is what wires the brain for a sense of self-worth as well as effective communication.

Your parenting toolkit

The shift from controlling outcomes to supporting your child’s self-advocacy is a profound move toward liberation for both of you. Here are three practical, actionable tools you can use starting today to help your child find their powerful, authentic voice.

Prioritize building a vocabulary for internal states
- Practice daily check-ins: Instead of focusing on behavior, focus on feelings and sensations. At the dinner table or before bed, ask, "How is your body feeling right now?" or "What was the strongest emotion you had today? What lets you know that you’re feeling X (thoughts, sensations, images, memories?)?" For young children, use pictures of faces depicting different emotions or feeling wheels to give them visual language for internal states. This continuous practice helps them begin to link their emotions and other internal experiences.
- Narrate Your Own Boundaries: Model the skill. When you are depleted, say out loud, "I feel overwhelmed when there is so much noise, and I need a few minutes of quiet to regulate my system. I am going to sit down now." This narration demonstrates that personal limits are valid and can be shared respectfully with verbal expression, and that needs spoken aloud can often be met.
Teach assertive communication scripts
- Use "I-statements": Explicitly teach your child this formula: "I feel [emotion] when [thing happens], I need X, so I’d like Y to happen next." Role-play simple scenarios: "I feel frustrated when you take my turn. I need playtime to be fair, so I’d like to have the next turn." This structure prevents blaming and focuses the conversation on a solvable problem.
- Validate the need, reteach the tone: When your child is dysregulated and yells, "Go away!" (an aggressive boundary), validate the need for space immediately: "You need space, I hear that." Later, when they are calm, revisit the moment and offer the assertive language: "Next time you need quiet, you can say, 'Mama, I need a break now, please.'" Separate the valid need from the messy execution.
Embed boundary respect
- Respect their "No": Respect your child’s right to refusal, like saying "no" to a hug from a well-meaning relative or "no" to eating a food they dislike, or “no” to discussing a topic now instead of a later agreed-upon time. By honoring their limits in these low-stakes situations, you build the foundation of self-trust they will need to enforce boundaries in higher-stakes situations later in life.
- Offer genuine choices: Only offer choices you can fully agree to. "Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?" Allowing your child to choose and then upholding that choice validates their agency and teaches them that their voice holds meaningful impact, reinforcing their capacity for self-determination.

Try focusing on integrating just one of these tools into your communication over the next few days.

Reflection

Take a deep breath and notice what sensations might have arisen as you considered these tools. Did you feel a familiar sense of inadequacy, or a flush of shameful heat, the one that tells you you should be doing more as a parent? If so, simply turn toward that feeling with acceptance. What is that reaction trying to tell you about your own unmet needs? Can you radically accept that this is a developing skill for you, too, without needing to change or judge that initial reaction? The goal isn’t perfection, but just curious observation.

The goal of respectful parenting isn’t to raise a child who never struggles, but one who knows their worth and has the tools to navigate struggles with integrity. Your compassionate presence in the face of their difficulty is the most powerful resource you can offer. By validating their internal life and explicitly teaching them assertive language, you’re not just raising a child who can speak up for themselves; you’re raising a person who understands that they can ask for what they need while respecting the needs of others, and who is able to contribute to creating environments that are truly respectful and equitable for everyone. You’re doing transformative work simply by showing up and trying.

If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who might worry about their child being perceived as “a pushover” or “too bossy.” Remember that you’re not the only one—parenting isn’t meant to be a solo project. Your fellow listeners are all learning, unlearning, and reimagining too, building communities where both children and parents get to advocate for their authentic needs.

How is your family shifting your communication patterns after hearing this episode? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website at brooklynparenttherapy.com, where you can join my newsletter to learn about upcoming community parent events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.

Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to your contractor, Nat Hoopes.