Project Parenthood

How to ditch your people-pleasing-parenting (Reissue)

Episode Summary

758. Dr. Coor joins us to discuss the complexities of fawning. Learn why your child's behavior triggers intense reactions and discover the first steps toward your own healing.

Episode Notes

758. Instead of reacting with fight, flight, or freeze, some parents respond with fawning, a pattern of people-pleasing and appeasement in the face of conflict. As a fawning parent, you might prioritize maintaining harmony and avoid confrontation, even if it means sacrificing your own needs or values. This can make it difficult to assert boundaries, collaborate, or hold space for your child's emotions. In today's episode, Dr. Coor delves into the complexities of fawning, how your child's behavior can sometimes trigger intense emotional reactions and how you can begin to heal.

Find a transcript here.

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Episode Transcription

It's challenging for any parent to manage stress and conflict within the parent-child dynamic. But some parents find parent-child conflict to be particularly overwhelming, triggering their nervous system's threat response. Instead of reacting with fight, flight, or freeze, some parents respond with fawning, a pattern of people-pleasing and appeasement in the face of conflict. As a fawning parent, you might prioritize maintaining harmony and avoid confrontation, even if it means sacrificing your own needs or values. This can make it difficult to assert boundaries, collaborate, or hold space for your child's emotions.

In today's episode, I'll dive into the complexities of fawning and how your child's behavior can sometimes trigger intense emotional reactions within you. I'll explore how feelings like needing to placate your child or avoid conflict at all costs can hinder your ability to be the calm, steady, and benevolent leader your child needs. And the good news is, there's hope for healing! I'll also discuss strategies to help you not only manage fawning triggers in the heat of the moment, but also heal from the root causes of this complex trauma reaction in the long term. So, if you're a parent who struggles with fawning during conflict with your child, this episode is for you!

Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.

What is fawning?

Fawning is a coping strategy that people who have experienced ongoing traumatic relationships in childhood might use to keep themselves safe in the face of real or imagined danger. It’s a trauma response characterized by people-pleasing and appeasement in conflict situations. It stems from a deep-seated need to avoid disapproval or escalation, which is often rooted in past experiences where your physical or emotional safety or security depended on keeping others happy and/or calm.

Powerless infants and young children are unable to use fight or flight survival strategies when faced with childhood neglect or abuse and so may often shut down or “freeze” and try to escape external danger by withdrawing inside of themselves out of helplessness. In some cases however, a child may learn that even freezing could escalate the abuse and ultimately fail to provide any safety. Another way to survive, when the source of danger is also the person you rely on to keep you safe - like your parent - is to remain vigilant to your parent’s demands, wishes, and needs and push down your own. Over time you become extremely skilled at abandoning your own needs in an effort to avoid criticism, disapproval, conflict, or abuse.

If this is your story - I’m inviting you to pause for a moment right now. If it feels right to you, put your hand over your heart and take a deep breath while you notice the beating of your heart. Take a few moments to notice this. I invite you to repeat after me, right now - silently or aloud: Because I learned to fawn, I survived 100% of the experiences that forced me to learn to fawn in the first place. Because I learned to fawn, I survived 100% of the experiences that forced me to learn to fawn in the first place. Think about that.

Remember that the part of you that learned to fawn was helpful to you in that dangerous situation. That part of you isn’t evil or wrong - quite the opposite - that part of you is a valuable resource available to help you in the presence of a real threat or danger. But the fawning part of you isn’t needed for when there is no threat to your safety. Perceived danger isn’t the same thing as real danger.

Here are some key ways unnecessary fawning might play out in your parenting:

Prioritizing harmony over personal needs: You might sacrifice your own boundaries or well-being to maintain peace and avoid conflict with your child.
Excessive apologizing: You might apologize even when you’re not at fault, seeking forgiveness and reassurance from your child.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Setting clear expectations can feel confrontational, so you might struggle to enforce boundaries.
Over-agreeability: You might readily agree to your child's demands to avoid any potential disagreement or your child’s big feelings.
Difficulty expressing needs assertively: You might consistently prioritize your child's needs over your own, neglecting to communicate your own feelings or desires.

As a fawning parent you may struggle with discipline in your quest to constantly appease your child hoping to avoid conflict. As a result, your child might come to understand your behavior as a lack of conviction or competence, leading to power struggle after power struggle. Your decreased capacity to set clear boundaries and enforce rules can undermine your parental leadership and hinder your child's development of respect for or expectation of healthy boundaries.

Managing Fawning in the Heat of the Moment

A large part of fawning is being preoccupied with the internal state of another person. When your inner ‘pot’ begins to simmer, it’s important to take the opposite action to check in with yourself instead. Doing this as a first step allows you to take the next steps of embodying your role as the bigger, stronger, wiser and kind leader in your parent-child relationship.

Breathe and Notice: When the urge to fawn arises (placating, over-explaining), take a slow, deep breath. Use this pause to notice your own body sensations and emotions. Are you feeling anxious or tense? Is your heart racing? Do you need to set a limit? Do you need to take a self-compassion break? Do you want help from another adult who is present? Remind yourself that it’s not your job to make anyone else “happy”. This self-awareness moment can help you separate your emotional reactions from your child's behavior.
Connect, Don't React: Instead of jumping in to "fix" the situation, connect with your child first. Make eye contact, use a calm and firm voice, and acknowledge their feelings. For example, "I hear you! It’s so disappointing and frustrating that it’s time to go home." Showing empathy and acceptance of how your child is feeling without trying to change it models tolerance of temporary big emotions, which is what you want them to have: tolerance of their own temporary, big emotions.
Set Clear and Kind Limits: Once you're connected with your child, you might set a clear and concise limit in a kind but firm way. Focus on what you want your child to do, not what you want them to stop doing. For example, "I won’t let you throw toys - it’s not safe. Let's find a safer way to get angry - let’s try stomping really hard!" This provides clear directions, maintains your parental role, and honors your child’s emotions at the same time.

3 ways to start healing from fawning

Identify Triggers That Lead To Fawning: Start by recognizing situations that trigger your fawning response. Notice when you feel compelled to appease your child, avoid conflict, or downplay your own needs. Pay attention to physical sensations like tightness in your chest or your racing heart. Journaling might help you identify these patterns.
Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge that your fawning response likely stems from past experiences of trauma or emotional neglect. Instead of judgment, offer yourself kindness and understanding. Remember this behavior served a purpose in the past, but now it may be hindering healthy parenting.
Seek Support: Consider joining a support group for parents dealing with childhood relational trauma. Talking to others who understand your struggles can be incredibly validating and offer valuable coping strategies. A therapist specializing in trauma can also provide personalized guidance for healing and breaking the cycle of fawning.

So if you’re a parent who struggles with fawning during meltdowns or disagreements with your child, try out some of the tools I’ve talked about in this episode to not only manage those moments but also heal from the root of the fawning reaction. Remember you're not alone, and there’s hope for building strong, secure connections with your child.

You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website www.brooklynparenttherapy.com where you can join my newsletter to learn all about upcoming community parenting events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening! I’ll catch you next week.

Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team! Audio engineer Dan Feierabend, Holly Hutchings director of podcasts, advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson, marketing manager Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to our contractor Nat Hoopes.