Project Parenthood

How to foster anti-ableism in your child

Episode Summary

July is Disability Pride Month and today I’m talking about ways parents can help in the fight to change the ways society values people with disabilities.

Episode Notes

July is Disability Pride Month, and in this episode, Dr. Coor talks about how to be intentional about the ways you talk to your kids about disabled people, about empathy, and learning from and celebrating individual differences. By having open conversations with your kids, you can play a crucial role in building an equitable and inclusive world for people living with disabilities.

Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

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Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.

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Episode Transcription

Did you know the world’s largest minority group is disabled people? According to estimates by the United Nations, over one billion people live with some form of disability, and they are disproportionately represented among the world’s poorest populations. Disabled people are at greater risk of experiencing violence, abuse, discrimination, and marginalization. They’re at greater risk of living in poverty and losing their lives in emergency situations like natural disasters, war, and pandemics. 

July is Disability Pride Month and today I’m talking about ways parents can help in the fight to change the ways society values people with disabilities. When you’re intentional about the ways you talk to your kids about disabled people and empathy, learning from and celebrating individual differences, and building friendships, you can play a crucial role in building an equitable and inclusive world for people living with disabilities.

Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them. 

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The disability community is diverse in many ways. Some people are born with disabilities and others acquire a disability later in life through illness, accidents, or aging. Some people have disabilities that are less noticeable or even invisible, like mental health conditions, learning challenges, or chronic pain. Some disabilities require very little support or accommodation and some require constant support. Each person’s daily life is uniquely impacted by their disability—and it’s crucial to acknowledge and accommodate these differences without judgment. 

Language is constantly evolving toward empowerment and inclusivity. And just as the disability population is diverse, so are each person’s preferences for disability language and how they want their disability referred to by others. Some folks prefer identity-first language, such as "disabled person," while others favor person-first language, like "person with a disability." Ultimately what’s important is how a specific person self-identifies. Similar to the way it’s important to respect and use a person’s preferred pronouns, the same applies to disabled people and their choice of terminology—so when you’re uncertain, it’s best to ask. Today you’ll hear me using both identity-first and person-first language interchangeably. 

Even though we might all think we're fair and treat everyone equally, our minds sometimes have hidden biases that we don't even realize are there. They happen automatically and outside of our conscious control or intentions, and they can affect our attitudes toward and preferences for others based on things like age, gender, race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, disability and more. Sometimes, these hidden biases don't even match up with what we consciously believe in, and our hidden-to-us biases influence our judgments, decisions, and actions in both positive and negative ways. Ultimately, these sneaky biases can even cause us to treat different groups of people unfairly.

Ableism

One thing unconscious bias can lead to is ableism. Ableism is the belief that disability is an inherently negative state of being that is abnormal and a disadvantage. Limited beliefs about what disability does and doesn’t mean run deep in American culture. In our ableist society, those with psychological, cognitive, intellectual, sensory perception, and physical disabilities are devalued and discriminated against and are assumed to need “fixing” or “curing” in some form. 

Ableism manifests as discrimination against people with disabilities, in that much of the world isn’t designed to be inclusive of disabled people. This can include things like buildings without ramps, signs without braille, or events that are held in inaccessible locations. Ableism can also be more subtle, yet intrusive—such as when people ask personal questions about someone's disability or when they don't believe that someone with an invisible disability is actually disabled. It can also be condescending, like when people think that people with disabilities can't do things as well as others or when they reduce them to simply inspirational stories rather than capable individuals.

Through media, literature, and educational systems, these attitudes and biases get laid down early in life. Through the responses children get from adults when they express curiosity, and especially when there are no conversations about what they’re observing in their world, kids end up learning that some differences are less desirable and that certain populations are less valued.

Not only do young children notice differences between people, but they also classify and evaluate them based on gender, race, and physical characteristics. As early as preschool, children recognize social hierarchies set forth by systems of power and privilege, and they start to internalize stereotypes and negative messages about disability as pitiable and undesirable. Don’t think that because your child hasn’t openly asked about disability, they aren’t aware of it. Whenever you can, it’s important to take organic opportunities to engage in critical conversations with kids about society’s response to the natural human variation of disability. 

Here are some ideas for getting started: 

• Start by taking pride in your own family, culture, and heritage, as this is an entry point for talking about variations across identities—and make sure that this includes folks with disabilities. 
• It’s always a great idea to choose literature about families that look different and speak different languages or observe different religions than your child. However, make sure many books on your child’s shelf are disability-inclusive. Reading books that share images of diverse families that include people with disabilities creates an opportunity for your kids to see and learn about different kinds of disabilities as well as different kinds of bodies. 
• Use mindful language. Unfortunately, people often use mental health and disability-related words like manic, bipolar, OCD, and ADHD incorrectly as adjectives to describe a person without the disability. Avoid this kind of word usage. Also, avoid talking about disability with words that imply abnormality or limitations like suffers from. And never use stigmatizing language like, retarded, dummy, moron, crazy, or lame.
• Let your kids see you respecting a disabled person’s intelligence, dignity, autonomy, and capacity. Assume the person can make their own decisions unless it’s been clearly stated otherwise. Never touch a person, their mobility device, or their service animal without permission. Don’t give assistance unless you are asked, and if you’ve offered assistance and are told no—respect that. Speak directly to a disabled person until you are told that they are unable to communicate with you. If a person has difficulty speaking—listen patiently and don’t finish their sentences for them.
• Show your child that by being an upstander, they can be a part of making positive changes happen in their community. Empower your child by teaching them the skills they might need to advocate for both themselves and others. Role-play things they can say that can help diffuse a situation, manage conflict, and make new friendships. Let them know what actions can they take if they see bullying or someone being treated unfairly. Give your child tips for befriending kids who seem lonely. 
• When you notice ableism—call it out. Talk about the issue with your child, and how a person with a disability could be affected, and brainstorm things you might be able to do about it within your own sphere of influence. 
• Show respect by not using accessible bathroom stalls unless you are a disabled person or are helping a disabled person. Accessible bathroom stalls are designed for people with disabilities, not for parents with small children. Using an accessible stall when you are not disabled can make it difficult for people who need it. And remember that not all disabilities are visible. Questioning whether someone is "disabled enough" to use an accessible stall is ableist and should be avoided.
• Give your kids opportunities to develop meaningful relationships with disabled kids.  Guide, encourage, and support your kids in initiating and sustaining positive interactions with their peers. Often, even when disabled children are present in a classroom, they’re on the social periphery and are more at risk of bullying and social isolation. Physical proximity on its own isn’t enough to reduce biases. Disabled kids need to be seen as of equal status to nondisabled kids. 
• Have brave conversations. If your child asks a blunt question within earshot of a person with a disability, stay calm. Dismissing or shutting down your child perpetuates ableism by sending the message that they should pretend not to see disabilities and it’s not okay to talk about it. When disability comes up in real life, in books, in shows, and films—just talk about it. “I’m noticing they’re not including the child with a disability in their game.” 
• Have a discussion about words that hurt, like the playground pejoratives retard, dumb, crazy, and cripple. Talk about how why those words are hurtful, what words to use instead, and how stereotypes contribute to bullying. Teach kids to speak up when they see discrimination and exclusion by doing so yourself.
• Have ongoing discussions about accessibility. Talk about how the world is structured so that nondisabled people are accommodated and disabled people’s needs tend to be dismissed. Learn with your child about what accommodations are mandated by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Perhaps make a checklist, and do a survey of accessibility at their school building, local playground, or other community building. If your child is the public speaking kind, you could even help your child write a persuasive letter or video stating what they found, the importance of accessibility, and making recommendations of how access can be improved. With your support, they might even present this letter to an audience of school administrators or community leaders. When you notice inaccessible spaces point it out—and let this spark conversations about the experiences of unfairness and/or hurt related to access for those with disabilities. 

Solving issues of access for disabled people can go a long way in addressing issues of access in society for all people—where all dimensions of human variation are valued. But eradicating ableism is a lifelong process that requires self-awareness, reflection, and time. It’s never too early to start—kids are never too young to understand issues like prejudice. Disrupting ableism is about positioning disability as a natural and valued form of human diversity, not disorders, deficits, or things that need to be fixed. What’s needed is for people with disabilities to feel accepted and integrated into the nondisabled world. Teaching your kids to embrace differences without stigmatizing them is no easy job in today’s society, but I hope that some of the ideas I’ve presented today give you some good starting places. 

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That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, August 14 at 1 pm for a Brooklyn Parent Therapy “Ask Me Anything!” It’s exciting to answer your questions in real-time! 

If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com. 

Catch you next week!

Sources:

https://www.un.org/en/desa/progress-disability-rights-risks-going-reverse-guterres

https://www.everydayactivismnetwork.org/archive/how-to-be-anti-ableist

https://speciallygifted.org/parent-tips/why-disability-pride-month-vs-disability-awareness-month/

https://vermontmoms.com/ableism-in-parenting-how-to-explore-it-in-four-ways/

https://lansing.momcollective.com/raising-anti-ableist-kids-talking-about-disability/