What you’re seeing is what counselor and parent educator Andrea Loewen Nair calls “restraint collapse.”
Are you baffled by your child’s after-school moodiness, irritability, or intense meltdowns? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor gives tips for understanding and troubleshooting your child’s after-school dysregulation.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about after-school meltdowns. Stick around till the end to hear about ways to help your child identify some after-school self-care activities.
Do you get reports from your child’s teacher that they happily participate in school activities, play well with other kids, and present little to no trouble in the classroom—and yet when you pick them up at the end of the day it’s like they’re a completely different child than what their teacher describes?
What you see are intense meltdowns that can be heard a block away. Your child is full of almost out-of-control energy. Your child hits you and their siblings, and is uncooperative and resistant during the whole evening routine. You try your best to hold space for the big feelings, you try to give your child some space to decompress at the end of the day, but it’s like your whole household is walking on eggshells every evening. It’s getting exhausting and you just want to know how to best support your struggling child.
What you’re seeing is what counselor and parent educator Andrea Loewen Nair calls “restraint collapse.” After a whole day of trying to keep their emotions in check while processing academic and social information and dealing with sensory overload (the sound of a full elementary school cafeteria could bring most of us to our knees), kids are often overwhelmed once they’re released from school. They’ve been following directions and directives all day. They’re mentally exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. They’re hungry and thirsty and craving connection and some control over their lives. All of this can manifest in challenging behavior from your kiddo—like angry outbursts, resistance, whining, scream-crying, and saying or doing disrespectful things—especially once they’re home in their safe space with their safe person (you). Emotional and physiological overwhelm results in a meltdown or a fight/flight/freeze state. Restraint collapse affects all kids, but highly sensitive children and those with learning and social difficulties might struggle more significantly in this area.
After school, your child is hungry, thirsty, and overstimulated. As much as you want to hear about their day, greeting your child with a barrage of questions could push them over the edge. Instead, meet them with a hug, a smile, a snack, and a drink, and let them lead the conversation—if any—for now. Give them some time to come into post-school equilibrium.
Some kids will need immediate physical activity to burn off the energy of the day. Other children like a calm and quiet environment right after school. Whatever gives their brain a “break” and feels pleasant to them—try to facilitate that. Resist the urge to jump right into chores and homework upon arrival at home. Let your child have some unstructured time to do whatever they please.
Reconnection after a busy day is just as good for you as it is for your child. During the evening hours when your child returns home, make sure that they get 5-10 minutes alone with you or their other parent that is 100% focused on something your child is interested in doing. This is a time when you’re fully present as a parent without distractions of other children, household duties, or your own tech devices. Your goal is to just be there with and for your child without micromanaging, admonishing, or correcting. Let your child set the rules of whatever you play and let them lead the interaction.
When your younger child is throwing, kicking, and hitting it can be upsetting, but remind yourself that this isn’t about you and this isn’t intentional. It’s an involuntary release of pent-up tension. You know this tension well if you have coworkers. How many times a day do you want to say something to a coworker or boss but you don’t—to keep the peace or to keep your job? You know what it’s like to need to reset and regroup after holding it together all day.
This is a kid who is at the end of their rope and they need your understanding and acceptance.
Once you’re in the heat of a meltdown the only thing you can do is just survive it while keeping everyone safe. Give your child physical space if it’s necessary for safety, but let them know you’re on their team. That could sound like, “Ugh—such a long day!” or “Whoa! It’s feeling really hard right now, I get it,” and then just silence and an empathetic look on your face, and a gentle hand on their back if they’ll allow it. And you wait. And if you can’t wait for some reason, still let them know you’re there for them if they need you. You might say, “I’m going to go start dinner, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need a hug.”
And when the storm is over—just move on. Don’t harp on it or try to process it at this time. Just let it go and go back into kid-decompression mode. If you want to problem-solve around what happened, do so at a later and connected time—like just before you walk out of their room at bedtime, or on the weekend when you’re feeling calm and connected to one another.
Though there is likely a long list of tasks that need to be completed in the evening, perhaps there are some demands you can let go of. It’s possible that the routine that has been the same for years might not be working for your family anymore. Family members may have new needs that your current routine hasn’t accounted for yet.
Can you sit down with your child on a weekend and go over the weekday evening routine and think together about what’s working well and what needs to change? Is unstructured time built into their evening routine? Is there an activity after school that isn’t necessary? Help your child identify what they need in the evening to help them decompress and regroup. Kids are more likely to cooperate with routines they’ve been a partner in creating.
If you have a child that experiences restraint collapse, here’s something to try.
At some non-weekday-evening time when both you and your child are feeling calm, invite them to tell you their concerns about after-school time. You can introduce the topic by saying something like, “I noticed it seemed really hard for you when I picked you up after school last week, what’s up?”
Before stating any of your concerns or offering any suggestions, allow them to tell you about their experience of those after-school times from their own perspective. Then repeat back your understanding of their perspective and let them correct you if necessary. Then brainstorm with them to come up with something that could help them look forward to that time of day. Let them offer the first suggestion!
Test it out and report back!
Remember though that even when using all of the strategies I’ve mentioned here, your child may just need to offload feelings. Sometimes, the only thing you can do is allow them to have those feelings and comfort your child as best you can. Offer support and validation, even if you need to enforce boundaries to keep everyone safe.
It can be so hard to have such little time with your child during the week and have what precious time you do have together to be dominated by their challenging behavior. Try to show your child and yourself some compassion and don’t take it personally—it’s outside of their control.
School days are long, busy, and filled with adult expectations. This can really zap a child’s energy and coping capacity. Your child just may need a lot of downtime and low-to-no demands (like homework) when they get home. And you may need to sneak 5 minutes of meditation in right before and after pick-up time!
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I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about restraint collapse or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243, and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!