The anticipation of territorial disputes over toys, disagreements about games and play styles, fierce competitions, bouts of jealousy, and clashes in values can fill you with dread.
In today’s episode, I’m offering some tips for those moments during playdates when you feel a little deer-in-the-headlights because limit setting or mediating between kids means having to manage the feelings and behaviors of kids who aren’t your own.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Playdate squabbles between kids can be tricky because they can involve mediating between your child and another child. You might not know this child, and their adult might not be with them, which can put you in an awkward spot. Today I’m offering some tips for those moments when you feel a little deer-in-the-headlights because you have to manage the feelings and behaviors of kids who aren’t your own.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
As a parent, of course you want your child to enjoy the benefits of playdates—building friendships, exploring their social skills, and just having fun. So you arrange for one or two of your child’s friends to come over, hoping for a peaceful and fun afternoon, but in the back of your mind, you worry. What if they argue? What if you have to step in and set boundaries for someone else's child? It's a situation that can leave even the most laid-back parent feeling a bit uneasy. The anticipation of territorial disputes over toys, disagreements about games and play styles, fierce competitions, bouts of jealousy, and clashes in values can fill you with dread.
But here's the good news: conflict is an integral part of childhood development, offering valuable opportunities to develop problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills. However, it's also crucial to be prepared to step in if conflicts escalate or become disruptive. So let’s look at some proactive and in-the-moment strategies that can alleviate your pre-playdate anxiety and help you navigate challenging situations should they arise, so your kid's playdates are not only fun, but also constructive learning experiences.
Before your child’s friends come over collaborate with your child on some agreements about what’s acceptable and unacceptable during this playdate. Don’t assume that your child knows how to treat or be a “guest,” so tell them what your expectations are for those roles.
If there are certain rooms or items that are off-limits for play, make sure your child is clear about this. Do a walk-through with your child and take a look at all of the accessible toys—are there special toys that your child would like to put away so that they aren’t an option to be played with during the playdate? Does your child understand that the toys that are left out are to be shared during the playdate? One good rule of thumb is that whoever is holding a toy is having their “turn” for as long as they want, but if they put it down and walk away, their turn is over and it someone else’s turn.
If you have another child in your home who may have big feelings during their sibling’s playdate, consider inviting a child over for them to play with, or be prepared to hang out with the sibling if the playdate kids want their own space. Forcing your child to include their sibling so the sibling doesn’t feel excluded can backfire. The child who’s forced to include their sibling in their playdate may feel resentful and angry, which can damage the sibling relationship. If you know in advance that the sibling will feel excluded, have the siblings sit down ahead of time and come up with a plan to make sure the playdate is fun for everybody. Remind them of the importance of kindness and inclusion—as well as the right to have some alone time with one’s friends.
If your child is a guest at someone else’s home, talk beforehand about how to treat another person’s belongings. Remind them that it’s important to treat their friend’s toys with respect, as those toys are very special to them the same ways your child’s toys are to them. Remind them what kind of behavior is expected in someone else’s home, and prepare them for the fact that other people may have different rules and different ways of doing things.
As you come up with your agreements, write them down—or better yet, give your child some markers and invite them to write down the agreements in whatever colors they choose.
When playmates arrive, invite your child to explain the agreements you’ve created together. Before they run off to play, ask the kids if they’d like to add any agreements for this playdate time, and this is a good time to make your playdate limits clear to them. Again—write them down so everyone can see them.
If you’re dropping off your child at someone else’s home, ask the grownups if there are any special rules they have for their home and make sure your child understands them. If you’re the host, make sure your child is well rested and has already had a snack, so that they’re ready and in a good headspace to play.
If a conflict does arise, step in and help kids resolve it in a calm and constructive way. Remember not to take sides. It’s important to remain neutral and help them find a solution that works for everyone. Keep the focus on the problem, not the person. That means keeping the focus on the issue at hand, rather than allowing the kids to blame each other. If any child is hurt or upset, model what it looks like to empathize with and validate a person’s feelings and help them collaborate on what could be done to make amends.
Neutrally moderating kids’ arguments means helping the kids hear each other’s feelings and needs. Sometimes it can mean keeping a fought-over item in sight, but in your possession until the kids can come up with a plan that works for all involved. If they’re getting physical, put your body between them. You could say something like: “I’ll stay between you and help you figure this out. Robbie is saying that he wants X; Tina, you’re saying that you need Y.” Reflect back only the facts unless someone has been hurt in some way.
It can happen that even though you’ve put the special toys away, depending on the age of your child, they may still find it challenging to share the toys that you agreed were greenlit for playdate time. Maybe your child has changed their mind and their playmate is pouting and on the verge of tears. Take a deep breath—you’ve got this. It looks like they’re going to need a bit more support during this visit. So sit down near them and begin playing with a neutral toy yourself and just sort of hang around—they may come play with you and tensions may dissipate.
Remember to keep your playdates short so kids don’t have to keep it together for extra-long stretches of time. If the playdate gets too filled with tensions, as a last resort, you put on a popular show or movie and all watch together and ultimately end the playdate early. And if—try as you might—your child consistently comes unglued during playdates at your home, think about playdates on neutral ground, like playgrounds, parks, and activities out in the world where personal toys are not an issue.
All in all, playdates don’t have to be a source of anxiety and angst. With good pre-playdate prep and having some plans in place in case things go awry mid-playtime, everyone is more likely to have some fun social time!
That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, September 18 at 12:45pm when you can “Ask Me Anything…”—about school drop off! You can get your questions answered in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Catch you next week!