Winning or losing games can bring up a lot of emotions for anyone, but young kids often struggle on their journey to learning about and developing good sportsmanship.
Does your child engage in cringe-worthy behavior when playing games? Dr. Nanika Coor offers tips for encouraging good sportsmanship if your kiddo is a sore loser or gloating winner kiddo.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about kids who are sore losers and ungracious winners, and tips for helping them manage their emotions and develop good sportsmanship. Stick around ‘till the end to hear about how to turn the tension of a gloating winner into giggles and good vibes.
Some kids play solely to defeat others—they must win at all costs, even if it means cheating or hurting someone. Other kids are less focused on winning and more on competing with themselves, and more interested in becoming more skilled at the game. All people have both of these tendencies, but different levels of each, some of us tipping more toward one than the other.
Winning or losing games can bring up a lot of emotions for anyone, but young kids often struggle on their journey to learning about and developing good sportsmanship. It can throw you for a loop when your child’s anger, sadness, or disappointment at not winning leads to meltdowns, refusing to play anymore, whining, and blaming other players. Or perhaps your child shows great delight at the fact that they won and gets a lot of pleasure at talking about how great they are and what a capital “L” loser everyone else is.
It makes sense that sometimes you just lose patience with these post- or during-game shenanigans, and your anxiety about your child becoming a friendless kid who no one wants to play with spirals out of control. How can you turn this ship around?
Ideally, when kids begin to show interest in board games or sports, you’ll start with cooperative games where all players win or lose as a team. These kinds of games help your child focus more on the team effort rather than individual success.
Until kids are about 7, they aren’t great at tolerating losses in competitive situations. So hold off on that if you can. But regardless of what kind of game is being played, it’s important to model good sportsmanship yourself. Remember that kids pay less attention to your explanations and way more attention to your real-life actions and emotionality. As you play the game, mention how nice it is to be spending time together. At the end of the game offer handshakes or high-fives and say things like, “Good game! It’s just so fun to play games with you!”
If you’re playing a competitive game and you lose, model what it looks like to be disappointed and hopeful at the same time by saying things like, “Dang. You got me that time! Next time maybe it’ll go my way.” When your favorite team loses a big game and you’re genuinely upset about it you can say, “I’m feeling upset that the Commanders lost, but it’s only a game and I know I’ll feel better soon.” When you win, you might say, “Yay, I did it! Good game! Thanks so much for playing with me, it was really fun!” And model congratulating them on their wins, too.
There are so many social-communication behaviors involved with the concept of good sportsmanship. It requires complex skills that kids are developing on their own unique timelines. Your child might still be working on things like turn-taking, rule-following, and treating other players with respect. It’s not easy to have a desire to win and be fair, honest, and respectful all at the same time. Some adults have a hard time with that!
So talk about winning and losing—how winning isn't everything, and that losing is a natural part of playing games. Emphasize the importance of having fun and playing fair, regardless of the outcome. Talk about the rationale behind things like letting others play, respecting others’ decisions, and staying calm. Tell them how games stop being fun when someone cheats, and how part of what makes a game fun is not knowing what will happen or who will win.
Take opportunities to point out good sportsmanship when you see it in the world. Maybe you see a child congratulate or compliment another player on their good efforts. When a friend talks about being frustrated at losing a soccer game after trying so hard, you can tell your child, “Wow. Richie seems pretty upset that their team lost. I wonder what we could do to comfort him.”
During the course of everyday life, help your child begin to understand the difference between skill and luck. When something doesn’t go your way, use phrases like “Welp. Guess that’s the luck of the draw!” or “I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles.”
When you see someone being an ungracious winner on a show or at a sporting event, explain why that kind of communication could be hurtful, and brainstorm with your child what someone could say that might feel better. Build empathy by talking to your child about how losing might make others feel. Encourage them to be supportive and kind to their opponents, even if they win. Acknowledge their effort when they are able to exhibit good sportsmanship.
When your child is so stressed out about potentially losing, they’re too emotionally flooded to actually enjoy the game. So purposefully give them chances to feel like a winner. Invite your child to play a game with you—any game they want. Before you start, you can ask them, “Do you want me to let you win?” If they say yes, then let them! This way they have fun knowing for sure that they’ll win. This is the time to let them do whatever they want—even randomly change the rules mid-game. It’s all allowed.
You can do this with any game or activity that they turn into a competition—ask if they want you to let them win. Remember, this isn’t about you pretending to be incompetent at the game to secretly let them win. This is a collaborative decision that’s out in the open and part of your playtime with them. Let them get the thrill of winning on a regular basis and you might see a reduction in meltdowns during family game night.
Head conflict off at the pass by agreeing on what rules you’ll play by before you start playing. Is everyone allowed to change the rules in the middle of the game or is that not allowed? Will you play by the rules of the game as written in the instructions, or will you be playing “Bobbi’s rules”? Write down the rules they’ve made up if you know you’ll need to remind them of their own rules that they agreed to play by.
If a friend is coming over, and you know there's a specific game they’re planning to play together, talk with your child about how they feel about winning or losing that particular game with that particular friend. Brainstorm some ideas for how to handle any conflict before it happens.
Get clear on the expectations upfront. “Someone is going to win and someone is going to lose—what’s a good way to manage the disappointment of losing?” You might ask your still-learning-to-be-an-enjoyable-player kiddo. How can a person cope if they feel envious of the winner? Brainstorm 2 or 3 ideas before the game begins. Explicitly state that the goal is for everyone to have fun together and that you expect folks to be respectful and kind—win or lose. Having a conversation like this at the outset is also giving your child practice in collaborating and working together.
If you’ve got a child that has a difficult time losing or winning in a connected or civil way—as you work on this developing skill, be prepared to hold space for some big emotions. When your child loses and devolves into tantrums and tears, just stay calm. Stay near them, don’t say much of anything, and let them vent their frustrations to you until they’ve wrung themselves out. Much later when they’re calm, acknowledge their effort, hard work, and perseverance, even though they didn't win.
If your child gloats when they win, or is a generally competitive kind of kiddo, racing their siblings and peers to be the first one, the best one, and always the winner—all while putting down others for not being as stellar as they are—try giving playful responses like “awarding” them for winning with “prizes” you know will make them laugh and build connection at the same time. “Whoo! As the winner, you get 2 billion Mama-hugs! I bet I could hug you right… now!” Chase them if they try to escape! When you hear the dreaded “Ha-ha! I got here first!” You can say in your announcer voice, “And Jane’s the winner! You have been awarded 1000 kisses!” Then in your regular voice, “Wanna get started right now?”
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Of course, you want your child to be able to have fun playing games with peers and cooperating during team sports without becoming irate if they don’t win. And you don’t want them displaying ultra-joy at others’ losses either!
But make sure your expectations for your child are realistic. Sometimes they’re just not ready for all of the elements involved in game-playing. That’s okay! Put the games away for 6 months and try again when they’re a little older. Playing games requires the same kinds of social skills they need to be able to navigate school, play dates, and other social settings—like perspective-taking, self-regulation, fairness, and responsibility. These are high-level skills that take some time to develop!
It's common for children to struggle with losing at games, and being an ungracious winner can be just as challenging. But if you stay on your child’s team no matter how frustrated either of you get, with your support and guidance, you can help your child learn how to handle both winning and losing in healthy ways.
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.