Tired of the frustration and angst that can come with raising siblings who are often at each other’s throats? Dr. Nanika Coor explains how to de-escalate sibling conflict and increase sibling collaboration.
Tired of the frustration and angst that can come with raising siblings who are often at each other’s throats? Dr. Nanika Coor explains how to de-escalate sibling conflict and increase sibling collaboration.
Hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. Transcript available at Simplecast.
Source: https://cafeconlibrosbooks.indielite.org/book/9780393342215
Check out all the Quick and Dirty Tips shows.
Subscribe to the newsletter for more parenting tips.
Join the conversation on Facebook and Twitter.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/podcasts
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe
https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood
https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
You knew that bringing home a second child would be hard, but you were completely unprepared for the level of conflict you’re dealing with on a daily basis. You want them to be close and supportive of one another, but it’s like every time you turn around someone is bonking someone else, or trying to best the other in some ludicrously petty way. There’s constant bickering and name-calling and hurt feelings and crying and whining and complaining. Except for those rare moments where they get along so well you wonder what’s wrong with them, it’s all attack-counterattack and repeat.
It's a tale as old as time.
And though it’s true that siblings will definitely have conflict, it doesn’t have to be damaging. In fact, with some help, that conflict can also help them learn to live together peacefully despite their differences. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of the book Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, suggest that a sibling relationship, when facilitated by parents who act as guides rather than referees, is one where even if they don’t turn out to be best friends with each other in adulthood, they will at least have learned to be a friend and make a friend.
The first rule of sibling fights is to stay out of sibling fights
Start with the underlying rule that in your home there is no hurting anyone physically or emotionally. After that—unless it’s a matter of health, emotional, or physical safety, getting involved in your kids’ disputes is unhelpful and can potentially escalate sibling conflict. There’s no winning here. If you settle all of the disagreements, not only do they come to rely on you, but they also don’t learn to manage these issues on their own. And, when you side with one over another, one person must be the “loser” and you run the risk of that sibling’s resentment fueling even more bad blood between them. So that’s the second rule—don’t take sides!
Have faith that fairness can prevail
The third rule of sibling fights is to show confidence. Show that you believe they have the ability to manage the situation on their own. When your kids bring you a problem between them that they want you to solve for them, first—acknowledge their anger at each other. Then, listen to each sibling’s side and reflect back your understanding of the issue. Let them know that you get how difficult the problem is and that you also have faith that they can figure this out by themselves. It could sound something like:
You: “Wow you are so angry at each other right now! So let me get this straight—Jamie wants the last bagel and Avery is saying that they ‘called’ it this morning so they should have it.”
Siblings: “Yeah! So who should get it?”
You: “This is a really tough one folks—you both want this one bagel! I’m sure you can figure out a solution that’s fair to both of you.”
Also you: (Walking away.)
Of course, there will be times when they just absolutely cannot come to a decision. In those cases, make the decision for now—but let them know that you don’t like having to do that, and ultimately you all need to sit down later and figure out a solution together.
When to intervene in sibling fights
As much as possible it’s ideal to let siblings work out their problems themselves. At the same time, it’s also important to be available when they really need help navigating a major breakdown in communication. Faber and Mazlish offer a handy rubric for figuring out when to stay out of fights and when to step in. You’ll always need to step in when any child is abusing another child verbally or physically, when sibling fights are disrupting your whole household, and when sibling conflicts are occurring repeatedly and collaborating on solutions isn’t working.
Level 1: Common bickering
Level 2: Heated escalation
Level 3: Potentially dangerous conflict
Level 4: Definite danger
After siblings hurt each other
Often you won’t be around to see how the conflict occurred. You hear a commotion in the other room and by the time you get there one child is crying and the other child is desperately yell-explaining why the crying child had it coming. You might be incredibly angry with the “perpetrating” child, but take a deep breath and press pause on that right now. Right now, give the crying child the comfort they need to come back to equilibrium. Once the “victim” is calmed to some extent, return to your other child and let them tell you their side of the conflict. Remember to reflect feelings and add de-escalating statements like “I see” and “Tell me more about that” rather than inserting your own judgments and opinions.
For the next 30 days, focus on rules 1 to 3: stay out of as many sibling fights as possible, don’t take sides, and show confidence that they can work it out together. Let me know how it goes!
Remember that no strategies are going to work every time or for every kid. Your child’s different periods of development means they’ll have fluctuating desires to be close to or distant from their sibling—they’ll go back and forth. It’s also tempting to chastise yourself for not getting the suggestions I’ve offered here exactly “right” during conflicts with siblings—but resist! In parenting, conflicts will come up again and again. You’ll always get another chance to practice!
Encouraging sibling harmony involves being able to regulate your own feelings as a parent and helping your kids with theirs, doubling down on patience and compassion, and keeping in mind that sibling conflict can be an opportunity to help them learn how to cohabitate even though everyone is so different. How you’re relating with them and teaching them to relate with each other is a gift you can give them that will keep on giving.
Try to emotionally divest in the daily ups and downs of your kids’ relationship. Stop worrying about them being friends someday and think about the values you’d like to instill in them that they’ll need in any relationship that matters to them. They’ll need to be able to listen to another person, respect another person’s perspective, and be able to work collaboratively to find solutions to conflicts. Instead of holding out for the time when they’re besties, just try to give them the tools they’ll need to make a bestie and be one!