802. In this episode Dr. Nanika Coor explores how parents can balance safety and independence as tweens begin traveling to and from school on their own. Learn why this milestone can feel so stressful, what factors influence a child’s readiness, and how to prepare together without resorting to fear or control.
802. In this episode Dr. Nanika Coor explores how parents can balance safety and independence as tweens begin traveling to and from school on their own. Learn why this milestone can feel so stressful, what factors influence a child’s readiness, and how to prepare together without resorting to fear or control.
Find a transcript here.
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When you hear it for the first time: “When can I start walking to school by myself?” Your stomach flips. Suddenly, you picture distracted drivers, unpredictable strangers, your kid absorbed in dribbling their ball instead of looking both ways before crossing streets. One part of you bursts with pride - yay, your child wants independence! Another part is like: “absolutely not.” It’s universal as a parent to feel torn between safety and freedom, trust and fear. Today I’m talking about how to help your tween gain the street smarts they need to travel to and from school on their own.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. This is a space for more than just tips; it's an invitation to deepen your connection with your child while healing and unlearning in community.
Before I dive in, I want to invite you to pause and take a deliberate breath. Notice what happens in your body when you imagine your child traveling to and from home alone. A tight chest? A racing heart? A mix of fear and hope? Know that these sensations are information, not problems. Some parts of you want to protect; others want to empower. Neither is wrong. See if you can let yourself soften toward both. Also know that you’re not the only parent at this crossroads. Today I’ll explore how to prepare tweens for safe, confident independence, and how to meet your own fears with curiosity and compassion.
Let’s get into it.
The Struggle: Trust or Fear?
When you’re a parent caught in the push-pull of hold-them-as-close-as-you-can vs. let-them-run-free, your inner dialogue might sounds like some combination of:
“What if they don’t notice a car - or the driver doesn’t notice them?”
“What if someone bothers them?”
“Am I letting go too soon? Am I holding on too tightly?”
It’s easy to default to fear or control—laying down long lists of rules, micromanaging, or, the ol’ avoid-the-conversation-and-hope-they-forget-about-it.
Kids, meanwhile, may feel you don’t trust them if you over-monitor, or as if you’ve abandoned them by shoving them out of their comfort zone. A tween eager for independence may hear your worry as “You don’t believe in me.” But a cautious tween may feel pushed into something they’re not ready for. Misattunements like these can create arguments, withdrawal and general disconnection.
You might end up feeling guilty or ashamed for shutting your kid down, perhaps in angry or anxious ways. Maybe you imagine being so unsettled by worry about your kid traveling alone that you won’t be able to be present at work. As a result, your child can end up being overly fearful about gaining independence, or agitated at the constraints to their autonomy, or turning up the volume of their desires for independence in a desperate effort to be seen and heard by you - all of which can actually chip away at trust and safety.
In the end - you just want to protect your kid without stunting their growth, right?
Contributing Factors: Growing Autonomy + Safety Concerns
Developmentally, kids aged 9-12 are wired to seek autonomy. Their brains are stretching into more complex problem-solving, but impulse control and risk assessment are still under construction. Tweens need scaffolding rather than sudden independence. Relationally, safety lessons land best when they’re co-created. Commands can spark rebellion, while collaboration builds buy-in and skill.
And let’s face it: culturally and systemically, not every child faces the same risks. Black, Brown, neurodivergent, gender-expansive, or disabled kids may face added dangers—racial profiling, harassment, accessibility barriers—that require both preparation and acknowledgment. For many parents, generational trauma also adds another layer: your body might remember past dangers and carry them into present-day fears about your child’s safety.
Respectful parenting is grounded in collaboration and prioritizing everyone’s needs getting met - both parent and child. Instead of taking a “Because I said so,” stance, you can invite tweens into problem-solving, role-playing, and family agreements. This transforms safety prep from a fear-based lecture into a connection-building process.
When parents stay calm and offer opportunities for practicing solo-school-travel scenarios in advance, children’s nervous systems can usually mirror that calm. This not only strengthens safety skills but deepens the parent-child bond. New found independence can be a bridge toward building more mutual trust.
Your Parenting Toolkit: Safety Prep For Tweens
Here are five practical tools you can use right now to prepare your tween to travel safely between home and school on their own:
Assess Readiness Together
Use a simple checklist like the “Test of Twelve”: Do they know their full name, address, and emergency numbers? Do they stick to family rules without reminders? Do they know who and how to ask for help if they need it? If most answers are yes, they may be ready. If not, treat it as a growth map—skills you can build together step by step.
Collaborative Mapping and Practice Runs
Walk, bike, or ride the bus or subway along the route together several times. Let your child lead while you observe. Identify safe havens—stores, libraries, trusted neighbors. Try “baby steps”: one block ahead, halfway alone, shadowing from a distance. This scaffolds confidence while you still keep watch.
Role-Play the What-Ifs
Practice common scenarios: missing the bus, getting lost, being approached by a stranger, weather mishaps. Ask, “What would you do first?” rather than giving a lecture. Normalize mistakes: “It’s okay if you forget, that’s why we’re practicing.”
Family Agreements, Not Rules
Co-create expectations: going only to agreed-upon locations, holding instead of bouncing a ball in a crosswalk, making eye-contact with drivers before crossing in front of vehicles. Write them down or record a voice memo together. Agreements foster respect and accountability, while rigid rules can feel like control.
Tech and Non-Tech Safety Nets
Not every child needs a smartphone or smartwatch. Consider a GPS-enabled device or flip phone. Teach old-school tools too—paper maps, reading street signs, carrying coins or paper money. Pair this with check-in points and a clear time boundary: “If you’re not home by 3:45, I’ll come find you.”
These practices strike a balance: you’re not bubble-wrapping your child, but you’re not tossing them into the deep end either. You’re walking alongside them—literally and figuratively—until independence feels safe, collaborative, and still connected.
Reflection
As I wrap up today’s episode, take another slow intentional breath. What thoughts and emotions did you have as you listened? Notice what parts of you got stirred up by what you heard—was it the part that fears harm, or the part of you that longs to trust? Maybe both. Can you send some gratitude toward them? When you see these parts as collaborators instead of adversaries, you can model protectiveness and empowerment as parts of the same whole for your child. With small steps, collaborative practice, and compassion for yourself and your child, you can build safety and confidence, together.
If you try some of these safety-prep tools with your tween, I'd love to hear about it! Share your experiences with me on Instagram @bkparents or at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. For more about my work, check out my website, www.brooklynparentherapy.com and my monthly IG live broadcasts. I'm Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. Remember to take good care of you, so you can take good care with them. Catch you next week.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to our contractor, Nat Hoopes.