As I delve deeper into working with parents whose children meet criteria for the PDA diagnostic label, I’m learning more and more about neurodiversity—and why it’s so important to not only support but affirm a person’s neurodiversity.
Are you raising a child with neuro-differences? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor offers some ways to be a more neurodiversity-affirming parent.
Further listening: What to do if your child has an extreme need for control and autonomy
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about neurodiversity and why it’s important to move away from the medical model of disability that leans toward pathologizing differences rather than accepting and appreciating them. Stick around ‘till the end to hear about ways to tune into and build in accommodations for your child’s unique neuro-differences.
A few years ago, I started seeing families in my private practice where parents were struggling to raise kids who showed extreme avoidance behavior in the face of routine and everyday demands. As I tried to help parents support and understand their children better while reducing conflict at home, I happened upon the description of Pathological Demand Avoidance, or PDA, which is currently thought to be a profile of autism. I’ve talked about PDA before in an episode called “What To Do If Your Child Has An Extreme Need For Control and Autonomy”. As I delve deeper into working with parents whose children meet criteria for the PDA diagnostic label, I’m learning more and more about neurodiversity—and why it’s so important to not only support but affirm a person’s neurodiversity.
The term "neurodiversity" was coined by Australian autism rights activist Judy Singer in the late 1990s. A person on the autism spectrum herself, she used the term to describe the diversity of human brains and minds and to promote the idea that neurological differences should be recognized and respected as a natural part of human diversity, rather than being pathologized or treated as deficits or dysfunctions.
The concept of neurodiversity has since gained widespread recognition and has been embraced by activists fighting against societal dynamics that arent’ accepting of neurodivergence.
The term neurodivergence is typically used to describe people who have neurodevelopmental conditions that can affect how a person thinks, learns, and communicates. Being neurodivergent means that a person’s brain functions, learns, and processes information in ways that are significantly different from dominant societal standards for “normal.”
People who fall under the umbrella of neurodivergence include but aren’t limited to those with developmental, intellectual, psychiatric, or learning disabilities, and those who have been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), dyscalculia, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and Tourette’s Syndrome.
Led by autistic and other neurodivergent and disabled people, the neurodiversity movement advocates for the acceptance of neurological differences, autism/neurodivergence acceptance, equal opportunity, equitable inclusion, self determination, autonomy, and the end of discrimination.
In her guidebook called “A Parent’s Introductory Guide to Neurodiversity-Aligned Therapy and Educational Practices for Autistic Children”, Emily Harvey helps readers understand what fueled the birth of the neurodiversity movement by contrasting the dominant perspective in today’s society—the more pathologizing medical model of disability—with the neurodiversity-affirming social model of disability.
The medical model of disability and the pathology paradigm perceives that there is only one “right” kind of brain: a “normal” or “neurotypical” one. Brains that diverge from normal are considered abnormal and deficient, which results in disability. The person is seen as broken and in need of “fixing”—and fixing them means making them learn to act more neurotypical. And sure, a neurodivergent person can “act” more neurotypical (this is called “masking”) but this won’t change their neurology. And it sends the message you have to change if you want to be accepted.
In contrast, the social model of disability and the neurodiversity paradigm stress the lack of acceptance of neurodivergent people and take the stance that the barriers created by society and the environment are what result in disability. Neurodivergent folks should have equal rights and access in society just the way they are without being “fixed” because they are equal humans with the right to autonomy and self-determination like everyone else.
If we look at neurodivergent folks through the lens of neurodiversity and the social model of disability, we can move away from deficit-focused perceptions of them as those whose developmental disorder is defined by social and communication difficulties and “abnormal” behaviors. We could instead see this population as having a developmental condition or disability that affects how they experience and therefore how they interact with the world around them.
The goal of a neurodiversity-affirming parent is to raise a child who accepts themselves in a world that isn’t always great at being accepting. To that end, the focus is on helping your child learn skills that will foster a positive self-identity, make their life easier, and help them live a joyful life.
Fostering self-acceptance and a positive self-identity involves accepting and appreciating your child for who they are, focusing on respect, empathy, and trust, and assuming that your child is capable and competent with the right support. It’s important to encourage your child to advocate for their needs and listen to them when they do. Spotlight what your child is skilled at, not only their challenges. Commit to learning from other neurodivergent people’s lived experiences.
Another great way to set your neurodivergent child up for success is to focus on the ways your child’s environmental surroundings affect their neurodiverse characteristics. From a neurodiversity-affirming perspective, if your child is struggling, it’s likely that something in the environment needs to be adjusted.
Foundations for Divergent Minds (FDM) is a nonprofit organization that offers training and education for parents and professionals who work with autistic and neurodivergent children. FDM recommends assessing 5 key areas to identify what environmental factors may be getting in your child’s way:
1. Sensory Integration
Understanding your child’s unique sensory needs allows you to modify the environment accordingly and helps your child advocate for their needs. Your child can fall anywhere along the hypo-sensitive to hyper-sensitive spectrum in each of the 8 sensory system areas: Sight, Sound, Smell, Touch, Taste, Balance, Movement, and Internal State.
2. Executive Functioning
Does your child need help in an area of Executive Functioning (EF)? EF is made up of 8 interconnected processes: Initiation, Inhibition, Working Memory, Planning, Organization, Self-Monitoring, Shift, and Emotional Regulation.
3. Respectful Communication
Communication comes in many valid forms—and behavior is a child’s earliest reliable tool. Neurodiversity-affirming parents respect and facilitate all forms of communication and support neurodivergent kiddos to communicate in the way that’s most authentic for them—i.e. through technology, ASL, speaking, etc.
4. Operative Social Interaction
Social Interaction involves two or more people—each with their own style(s) of engaging interpersonally. It’s important not only for neurodivergent kids to understand how neurotypical people communicate, but also for neurotypical people to understand neurodivergent styles of thinking, feeling, socially communicating, and interacting.
5. Emotional Regulation
It’s hard for your child to regulate their emotional state when the environment isn’t a good fit for their specific needs. Identifying and resolving unmet needs promotes self-regulation and improves your child’s quality of life.
For the next couple of weeks, each day choose one of the FDM 5 key areas and tune in to your child’s needs and wants in that area. Where do they seem to struggle? When do they seem to thrive? What changes might you make in your home, at school, or to daily routines? What external accommodations would make their day-to-day lives and relationships easier for them?
Let me know what you learn!
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Various spheres of society are based on the assumption that there is only one “normal” kind of brain and thus many systems (health and social services, education, employment, and even social relationships) have been built assuming that the only people taking part in those systems are neurotypical. As such, we’ve all internalized some if not all of the medical model of disability and pathologizing ways of viewing those challenged by disabilities. Creating a society that is accessible for neurodiverse people is beneficial for everyone—but requires self-reflection and continued learning from neurodiverse individuals.
If you’re raising a neurodivergent kiddo (perhaps you’re even neurodivergent too), and you’re down with the neurodiversity perspective—start accepting, understanding, and appreciating your child’s neuro-differences—and your own too! Neurodivergent folks deserve to feel inherently accepted and safe in the world and also be able to access the things in life that bring them joy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being different than “normal.” Embrace it—and your child will learn to do the same!
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I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about parenting neurodivergent kids or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!