A child’s ability to exercise self-control is directly related to how successful they can be in a traditional school setting.
Life with a child with underdeveloped impulse control can be frustrating, sometimes embarrassing, and consistently exhausting. Today, I’m talking about how parents can support their low-impulse-control child both at home and at school.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Related links:
https://www.tes.com/teaching-resource/zones-of-regulation-12361024
https://totalhealthwestberks.co.uk/flipping-your-lid-understanding-and-communicating-emotional-dysregulation/
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
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When you have a kiddo who can’t stay on task, blurts out any thought that comes to mind, can’t sit still in school, has difficulty delaying gratification or waiting for their turn, and often interrupts others—even teachers—you know first hand what life with a child with under-developed impulse control feels like. It can be frustrating, sometimes embarrassing, and consistently exhausting. Today, I’m talking about how parents can support their low-impulse-control child both at home and at school.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
A child’s ability to exercise self-control is directly related to how successful they can be in a traditional school setting. If your child struggles in this area and tends to act before they think, they might also tend to experience big feelings they don’t know how to manage, which only exacerbates impulsivity. These kinds of kids need to develop stronger self-control and self-regulation skills. Having predictable routines in place for transition times like leaving or returning home, mealtimes, and bedtimes can go a long way to helping all kids self-regulate. But if your child struggles with impulse control, you’ll need to help your child learn self-regulation. Luckily, there are plenty of everyday ways you can do that at home, and outside of that, you can support your impulsive child’s school experience by building a good connection with their teachers. Let’s take a closer look.
You’ll need to be able to separate your own emotional “baggage” and needs from your child’s emotional behaviors and needs. This means doing the internal parent work to identify your triggers and better understand your own reactivity. When you think of your child’s behaviors that get under your skin the most, take a look at why that might be. Do you end up in an emotionally heightened state because maybe you fall somewhere under the umbrella of neurodiversity and you have particular you have sensory sensitivities? Or maybe it’s because you have certain expectations of children or yourself based on your own upbringing, your culture, or past experiences. And then—once you’re emotionally escalated—how do you react? What thoughts go through your head? How do you behave? What does your emotional reactivity look like on the outside?
If you’re not modeling good self-control or self-regulation, how is your child supposed to learn to do so? Remember that overwhelming emotions will increase your child’s impulsivity. Doing the tough emotional work of learning to productively work through your own strong emotions helps you be that calm and steady presence your child needs to feel unconditionally safe and entirely accepted—emotional messiness and all. Your ability to bring that calming energy when your child is dysregulated is what actually helps lower the anxiety that’s giving rise to their dysregulation. It’s important that when you’re thinking about helping your child manage their impulsivity and emotional regulation that you take an honest look at what you’re modeling for your child when it comes to managing your own.
Just like you do with your kids, try to see your child’s teachers in a positive light, believe they have the kids’ best interests at heart, and are open to learning more about your child. You can empathize with the challenges of working with so many small humans at all at once and have realistic expectations of them. And at the same time you expect them to try their best to meet your child’s individual needs and you’ll be there to support them in any way you can in that endeavor.
If you’re unsure how to break the ice, start with a respectful and friendly: “Not sure if you’re familiar with this kind of thing, but it’s really helped us at home…” Let them know what your child is like at home and under what conditions your child responds best in your home environment. Share with them the resources and strategies that have been effective for your family.
Empower your child with self-knowledge, like the zones of regulation and Dan Siegel’s hand model of the brain—I’ll drop a link to those in the show notes—so that they can understand the fight/flight response, and what happens when the emotional parts of their brain lose contact with the thinking parts of their brain. In this model of the brain, this process is called “flipping your lid” and happens when a person is overwhelmed by emotions like anger, fear, or terror. This is when your child might do things they don't mean to, say things they don't truly want to say, and they may even feel like they can't control themselves. Kids with brains that are wired in neurodiverse ways are more likely to have this experience and it’s likely to happen to them more often than it would for kids with more neurotypical brain-wiring. The more awareness your child has about how they can sometimes “flip their lid,” the more capable they’ll be at taking action before they get to that point.
Help your child identify what their “warning signals” are. What happens internally for your child when big emotions are swelling up? Sweaty palms? Racing heart? Certain kinds of thoughts? Model labeling nuanced emotions to build your child’s emotional vocabulary. Don’t just talk about anger, but also talk about annoyance, frustration, irritation, or indignation. What kind of sadness do they have? Grief, disappointment, or angst? You can do this while reading books or watching shows with your child—what nuanced emotions might a character be feeling?
Experiment with different ways of de-escalating your child when they’re in an emotionally heightened state. What do your child’s nervous system and sensory system need in order for them to stay or get calm? Soothing sounds, soft touch? Or does sound/language or having someone touch them in fact agitate your child?
Consistently acknowledge when your child is using appropriate impulse control—however briefly. Positive feedback like this can boost their self-esteem. The better your child feels emotionally the more they will be able to use their self-control skills.
The best possible override for kids who have problems with impulse control is a well-practiced response. Family board game sessions can help your child practice self-regulation in real-time. They’ll need to control their emotions, take turns, inhibit impulses, and graciously win or lose.
Before novel situations, go over with your child things they can say or do instead of behaving impulsively, and role-play so that your child practices what they might say in a real situation. If your child’s classroom has rules, ask the teacher to send a copy home and make a game of seeing if you can learn them by heart. Prepare ahead of time so that you always make sure your child knows clearly what expectations are for an upcoming situation.
You can also use low-pressure moments of calm and connection to practice and model mindfulness and mindful breathing techniques that help to strengthen your child’s “thinking brain.” Teach your child about the kind of breathing that helps to calm their nervous system. Sitting up tall and allowing the diaphragm, rib cage, and belly to fully expand so that the diaphragm presses against the vagus nerve in the spine, which sends calming signals to the nervous system, brain, and body.
You can practice mindfulness in fun ways. For example, when the family is somewhere outside together, everyone stops what they’re doing and simply listens to the sounds in the environment for one minute. When the minute is over everyone goes around and says all the sounds they identified. Regularly find moments where your child can practice short bursts of purposefully directing their attention to something happening in the present moment—either their emotions, in their body or mind, or in the external environment.
If your child is resistant to doing these mindful moments with you, think about enlisting the support of a professional like a therapist, school counselor, or instructor who they may be more comfortable taking direction from than their parent. Another idea an older child might like is to go online and find a mindfulness exercise that they like and teach it to you instead.
No matter what strategies you use to help your child develop impulse control skills, you’ll find that things that were working for a while stop working and you’ll have to find a new strategy. Expect to pivot often as kids progress through developmental stages and/or if they have particularly exciting or stressful life experiences. So hang in there and stay supportive. Don’t take their impulsivity personally. Develop a thick skin and lots of patience. When difficult moments arise, model self-regulation. Take a long purposeful breath before you respond. Not only might that response be calmer and more connected, but you’re also showing your child what it looks like to put on your own emotional “brakes”—a skill that’s so important for them to eventually master.
That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, October 16 at 12:45pm when you can “Ask Me Anything”! You can get your questions answered in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Catch you next week!