In many ways, raising emotionally healthy kids is no different for LGBTQIA+ parents than it is for any other parents—but they have different challenges to face.
The theme for NYC Pride Month is “Strength in Solidarity”, reflecting the power and resiliency of the LGBTQIA+ community and its allies. In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor shares ways that LGBTQIA+ parents can help their kids thrive while facing unique challenges.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.
Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe
https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood
https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/
It’s LGBTQIA+ Pride Month in the U.S.! This year in New York City, where my practice is located, the theme for Pride Month is “Strength in Solidarity,” reflecting the power and resiliency of the LGBTQIA+ community and its allies. Tune in all month long as I focus on tips for LGBTQIA+ kids, parents, families, and allies.
Today I’m talking about LGBTQIA+ parents and the unique challenges they face in raising their families, as well as the ways in which these parents are resilient and resourceful in spite of those challenges.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
According to the American Academy of Family Physicians almost 30% of LGBTQIA+ adults—those who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer/questioning, intersex, asexual/agender, or with other diverse orientations/identities—are raising children under 18. That translates to between 2 and 3.7 million kids out there who have LGBTQIA+ parents! And despite the discrimination and stigma these families face, research consistently shows that LGBTQIA+ parents raise kids who don’t differ in well-being, health, happiness, or success from the general population.
LGBTQIA+ parents and families experience discrimination and stigma at both interpersonal and institutional levels, like healthcare barriers and few—and often hotly contested—legal protections. They may face discrimination from their family, their community, or members of their children's school, like verbal abuse, physical violence, or housing discrimination. This can get in the way of them being open about their sexuality or gender identity, and can make it difficult to build relationships with other parents. There are fewer resources available to LGBTQIA+ parents than heterosexual parents, which can make it challenging to find parenting classes, support groups, or other resources that can help them raise their children. LGBTQIA+ parents who are not already out might be afraid their kids will reject them if they know about their sexuality or gender identity, making it difficult for them to come out to their children, or even be open about their sexuality or gender identity in general. These are all chronic stressors that can lead to psychosocial and health disparities for LGBTQIA+ parents when compared to their cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) peers.
LGBTQIA+ parents are often viewed as a homogenous group, but there’s actually a lot of diversity among them. Just like any other family, they come in all shapes and sizes and are impacted by factors such as geography, class, ability, religion, race, ethnicity, education, income, and family formation pathways.
And while raising kids involves both joy and challenges for any parent, LGBTQIA+ parents in America have the added complication of raising families in a heteronormative society.
Heteronormativity is the concept that heterosexuality is the “normal” or preferred mode of sexual orientation. It’s the assumption that gender is binary—or that there are only two distinct and opposite genders—and that the “ideal” sexual and marital relations are only between people of the opposite sex.
A heteronormative family is generally assumed to be white, middle to upper-middle-class, with biological children. This means that the children of both white and Black, Indigenous, and other people of color—or BIPOC for short—LGBTQIA+ parents are regularly exposed to TV, print media, and children’s books that disproportionately represent the traditional binary family. These kids are well aware that their family is different from the “norm” of what they see in media or at school, or in their community.
And while there is certainly a shift toward including more LGBTQIA+ people in entertainment realms, there remain few role models or positive representations of BIPOC LGBTQIA+ parents in the media or in society. This can make it difficult for BIPOC LGBTQIA+ parents to feel seen and accepted.
There are also diverse pathways to becoming an LGBTQIA+ parent. Some are parenting children from prior heterosexual relationships, having come out after having had kids. Others adopt privately or via the foster care system. Some use donor eggs or sperm and/or have children through surrogacy or in-vitro fertilization.
In many ways, raising emotionally healthy kids is no different for LGBTQIA+ parents than it is for any other parents—but they have different challenges to face. Here are some ways that LGBTQIA+ parents can—and already do—raise children that thrive:
Be open and honest with children
Right from the start, tell kids the story of how you came to be a family. Prepare in advance for when your child becomes curious enough to begin to ask questions and if you are partnered, make sure you agree on what your answers will be. As children develop more abstract understanding, you can begin to talk about things like reproductive technologies and the legalities of second-parent adoption. Ultimately, when you’re welcoming and encouraging of questions your kids have about your unique family dynamics it helps them feel more confident and self-accepting, and less anxious about their family structure.
Talk about all kinds of families
Starting in preschool, let kids know that love is the important ingredient in what makes a family, and that families come in all shapes, sizes, and configurations. Look for organic openings to talk about and normalize the idea of “all kinds of families,” making sure your child knows that all the different kinds of families are valid, and that no type of family is better than another.
Allow kids freedom to explore their family “fantasies”
A young child with two fathers may want to make one of their stuffies into a “mommy” or outright say they want a mommy. Don’t correct them or try to get them to “exile” their “mommy” characters or wishes. I mean, I know a seven-year-old who wants her own Ferrari! Letting children experiment and play out their fantasies, identities, roles, and different family types is healthy for their development, allows them to use their imagination in creative ways, and sometimes helps them process complex feelings and experiences—like having a family that may look different than all of their friends’ families.
Be proactive about prejudice
Diffuse bullying and discrimination ahead of time. Before your child’s first day of preschool or grade school, arrange to meet with the principal and teachers to tell them about the unique details of your family. For instance, if you are a transgender gestational parent, telling school staff ahead of time means your child won’t be accused of lying when they say that their father gave birth to them. Let teachers know about other adults who are important to your children—like donors or birth parents. Provide or offer to suggest resources to learn more.
Be a consistent presence in your child’s school. Volunteer in the classroom and join the PTA or an affinity group. Donate LGBTQIA+ affirming books to the school library, and get local LGBTQIA+ organizations to present to school staff. Suggest ways that paperwork, class visuals, and curriculum could be made more inclusive.
Know whether or not your child’s school has documented policies in place for handling sexist, homophobic, or transphobic behavior at school. If the school doesn’t already have policies against bullying, and provisions for sexual and gender identity and expression, advocate for their inclusion.
There will inevitably come a time when your child comes in contact with questions, comments, or situations that challenge their family’s legitimacy and value. They may be teased or excluded by peers, or overhear someone using the word “gay” in a negative way. They may feel invalidated when teachers suggest kids in class make cards for their moms on Mother's Day, or be silenced when trying to share details about their family.
In a perfect world, you will have already given them a solid foundation that helps them feel supported and empowered with the truth that they are loved and that their family is valid. Let them know that they have innate worth and individuality. Everyone is different and similar—that’s what makes the world a complex and interesting place.
Make sure that kids know that any harassment or bullying that they may encounter is entirely unacceptable, and that it’s not their responsibility to defend their family or to correct or educate those who make ignorant comments.
Seek community with and positive representations of children and families like your own
Both LGBTQIA+ parents and their children deserve to be connected with people and resources that reflect and validate their identities and their family. Foster pride! Get involved in local or online organizations, gatherings, and events where you can connect with other LGBTQIA+ parents and their children. Find role models and mentors that are the same gender as your child. If you’ve transracially adopted a child, it’s imperative that your child have a role model or mentor that is their race. Seek out media, books, and documentaries that reflect and embrace LGBTQIA+ parent families. Help your kids feel proud of their family and proud of their identities.
Stand up for your child (when necessary) and help them stand up for themselves
If your child comes to you with an issue like bullying, stay calm. When you know your child’s in trouble, it's natural to want to help. But if you always jump in and solve their problems or react too emotionally, they won't learn how to self-advocate and they’re in the position of feeling they have to take care of you—and they won’t tell you about it the next time. Instead, teach your child how to stand up for themselves and also ask for help when they need it.
Sometimes kids want you to just listen and not get involved. On the other hand, it’s important to take action if your child is being repeatedly bullied or if they’re being physically assaulted. Still, stay measured—but find out what the school’s bullying policies are and how you can help them handle the situation.
As another part of self-advocacy, recognize that your child also has the joy and burden of “coming out” about their family. Let your kids tell their friends, peers, and others at their own pace and in their own time.
Prioritize self-care
Resist the urge to sacrifice all of your needs for your child’s needs. Set aside time for yourself individually and time with your partner as a couple. It’s very difficult to keep your child’s emotional cup filled if you don’t fill yours first. If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed for more than 4 weeks, seek professional help. It’s the best thing to do for yourself and your children. Contacting your local LGBTQIA+ center—or a national one, if need be—is a great place to find help getting matched with a therapist or other mental health provider.
*
One of the most amazing qualities many LGBTQIA+ parents bring to their parenting experience is that they made a deliberate—and often effortful and sometimes expensive—choice to become parents. They had a strong desire to raise children.
These are parents who can show their children, firsthand, about love and diversity. LGBTQIA+ parents’ emphasis on chosen family may mean that their kids are lucky to have many adults in their lives who love them, and that the family has lots of social support. LGBTQIA+ parents may have straight kids who feel “culturally queer” and the feeling of belonging in the LGBTQIA+ community might be a positive and valued part of their identity—making them exceptional allies to the equality movement and other intersectional movements. Or LGBTQIA+ parents may have queer kids who feel like both their parents and their access to affirming communities provide a built-in source of support.
And ultimately, LGBTQIA+ parents might be more likely to allow their children to arrive at their own gender or sexual identity through autonomous exploration, rather than rigid socialization that lacks agency or choice—and that’s healthy for every child, no matter how their parents identify!
*
That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found it helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, June 12 at 1 pm for a Brooklyn Parent Therapy “Ask Me Anything!” I’m excited to answer your questions in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health like you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Happy Pride Month and catch you next week!
https://app.asana.com/0/1201824627244167/1204495958233310
https://www.ncfr.org/sites/default/files/2017-01/ncfr_policy_brief_november_final.pdf
Marra, J., Livesey, A., Silverberg, B., & Park, S. (2023). LGBTQIA+ Families. FP Essentials, (524).
https://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/sc-lgbtq-parents-kids-family-0124-20170120-story.html
https://lgbtmap.medium.com/lgbtq-families-are-beautiful-resilient-fcccceb460b5
https://www.salon.com/2018/06/29/advice-for-and-from-lgbtq-parents-in-their-own-words/