Project Parenthood

How to handle sibling conflict when your PDA child lashes out?

Episode Summary

804. Does your PDA (Pervasive Drive for Autonomy) kiddo lash out at their siblings leaving you feeling helpless and stressed? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explains what’s really happening beneath the surface of PDA meltdowns and why they often target siblings. She shares internal practices to steady yourself, external strategies to protect kids, and compassionate ways to reframe these intense moments.

Episode Notes

Sources:

https://www.facebook.com/ThePDAPracticeCorner

https://pdatherapycollaborative.com/

Find a transcript here.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

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Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.

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https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/

Episode Transcription

Have you ever had an evening where everything unravels at once? You’re making dinner when shouting erupts. One child storms in, furious and out of control, lashing out at their sibling. The other child cries, maybe terrified, maybe just fed up. Your heart pounds. You want to stop the chaos, keep everyone safe, but nothing you say or do lands. If you’ve felt that panic and exhaustion during kid meltdowns, you’re not alone—especially if your child has PDA, a Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.

Welcome back to Project Parenthood, I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week I’ll help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community.

Parenting is hard enough on its own—but when you layer in systemic inequities, cultural expectations, and a child whose nervous system is wired to push back against demands, it can feel overwhelming.

So today, we’re going to dig into what’s actually happening during a PDA meltdown—especially when that meltdown is directed at a sibling. We’ll explore what PDA really means beneath the surface, and I’ll give you some practical, actionable strategies for how to handle those intense moments in ways that keep everyone safe, honor your child’s dignity, and protect your own well-being too.

Grounding

Before we get to that, I invite you to take a deep breath. Feel in your body what sensations arise with the topic of Pervasive Drive for Autonomy. Follow your inhale from your nose to the back of your throat to your chest and belly. What is happening in your body? Tightness in your face or chest? Lots of thoughts? Just be aware of what’s here, in your body, as I talk about PDA today.

Let’s get into it.

What PDA Really Is

I want to start by getting clear about what PDA is. You may have heard it described as “extreme demand avoidance,” but that description misses the heart of the matter.

PDA isn’t really about kids refusing to do what you ask out of stubbornness or willfulness. At its core, PDA is about a profound need for autonomy and authenticity. Kids with this profile often feel demands as threats to their sense of self. Even the gentlest request can set off an internal wrestling match: “Do I actually want to do this? What does this mean about me? Do I have control?”

Imagine your child’s brain like a computer that already has 50 tabs open. One more “demand” tab—like “put on your shoes” or “stop hitting your sister”—is the one that makes the whole system freeze and spin. That freeze isn’t a choice; it’s an unbearable internal state. The meltdown that follows—screaming, swearing, lashing out physically, or even silently shutting down—is what PDA consultant Elise Jacobson refers to as “garbage communication.” It’s not polite, it’s not logical, but it’s the overflow of a child’s inner turmoil spilling out in the only way they can express in the moment.

And the important part is: the meltdown is not your child trying to manipulate you or disrespect you. It’s your child doing their best to survive an inner storm that feels overwhelming.

How PDA Works

During a PDA moment of really big feelings, which can look like reactivity, anxiety or avoidance, two things are happening at once.

Internally your child is flooded with intensity. Their body and mind are screaming with the need to regain a sense of autonomy and safety.
Externally they may lash out—sometimes at siblings, sometimes at you, sometimes at the nearest object.

This is important: when you only focus on the external behavior, it’s easy to get stuck in blame or shame—either blaming the child, or blaming yourself. But if you shift the lens to what’s happening inside, you can see that the behavior is a signal, not a choice.

Here’s where the nuance comes in. If you are raising a Black or Brown child, a disabled child, a neurodivergent child, or a gender-creative child, you may already know how harshly the world can respond to behaviors like meltdowns or aggression. What’s “quirky” in one child may be seen as dangerous or defiant in another, depending on race, class, or ability status. Many parents listening right now may feel isolated or judged—by schools, by professionals, even by their own extended family. I want you to know that I know that it makes sense that you carry fear and urgency in these moments. You are parenting in a world that doesn’t always extend compassion to kids who show intensity.

That’s why it’s so important to create a different story at home. A story that says: meltdowns are part of this landscape, they’re survivable, and they don’t define who your child is.

Your Parenting Toolkit: PDA Parenting Strategies

So, what can you actually do the next time your PDA child melts down at a sibling? I want to share a few practices—both internal and external—that you can lean on. These aren’t quick fixes, but they are repeatable ways of moving through the storm with more steadiness.

3 Internal Practices for Parents:

Put the “hot potato” down. When your child throws you the “hot potato” of their distress (to use Elise Jacobson’s term), it’s tempting to catch it—by absorbing their anger, blaming yourself, or scrambling to fix it. Just like a real hot potato - that’s going to burn you. Instead, visualize yourself letting that hot potato drop. You don’t have to take their pain into your own body. You can witness it without owning it.
Shift into expansive thinking. Before you intervene, take one slow breath. Imagine warmth, spaciousness, or kindness filling your chest. This isn’t about ignoring your child’s struggle or your own—it’s about resourcing and expanding your own nervous system so you don’t collapse into their dysregulated state–which usually escalates dysregulation.
Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” It might be grounding your feet on the floor, unclenching your jaw, or even just remembering that this moment will pass. Caring for your present state isn’t selfish. It’s the most reliable way you can provide co-regulation.

4 External Practices with Kids:

Witness, don’t react. Your job in the heat of the meltdown isn’t to reason or explain. It’s to be the steady presence that doesn’t escalate. You might say, “I see you’re having a hard time. This is too hot right now. Let’s talk when it cools off.” That sets a clear boundary without adding fuel.
Separate and protect siblings. If one child is attacking another, calmly but firmly intervene. Move the sibling out of harm’s way, or use your body as a gentle barrier. You can say, “I won’t let you hurt your brother. I’m moving him over here.” No judgment, no punishment—just safety.
Slow down and name what you notice. Instead of reacting with instructions, offer language for what’s happening: “This feels really big. I’m going to help make it smaller.” That validates your child’s inner world without demanding they change in the moment.
Aftercare: Look for the “stuff” underneath. Once calm returns, circle back. Was your child hungry? Tired? Overstimulated? Misunderstood? Every meltdown is data. When you get curious about the “stuff” underneath, you can adjust routines or supports so life has a little more ease..

If you’ve been in these moments and felt your own intensity rising, please know—you’re not failing. You’re navigating one of the most challenging parenting landscapes there is.

A PDA meltdown isn’t proof that your child is broken. It’s not proof that you’re broken either. It’s a sign of how hard your child is working to stay connected to their own sense of self. And it’s a sign of how deeply you care that you’re even listening to this right now.

Remember that you don’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to have the right script memorized or infinite patience at your fingertips. What your child—and their sibling—need most is your steady, human presence. The willingness to be there, to keep them safe, and to ride the wave without shaming them or yourself.

Reflection

The next time your child’s emotional storm rolls in, can you take a breath? Can you put down the hot potato? Once again, turn your attention inward. To that space deep inside your belly. Notice how today’s episode is landing inside you. This is how you can anchor yourself in your own body when parenting feels hard. This is how you can protect what needs protecting in those challenging moments. In hard moments remind yourself that this isn’t the end of the story. This is just one moment in a much bigger journey of connection and growth.

You and your child can get through this together. And each time you do, you’re both building the capacity to face the next storm with just a little more resilience, compassion, and clarity.

If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d really love for you to share it with a friend who might be navigating PDA parenting too. Remember that you’re not the only one. All of the parents are learning, unlearning, and reimagining parenting just like you.

How are you managing PDA parenting? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.

Currently Recorded Outro:

Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to our contractor, Nat Hoopes.