Should you ban your child's war, weapon, and violent play?
Worried about how to respond to your child’s war, weapon, and violent play? Should you ban it completely? Can play aggression turn into real aggression? Dr. Nanika Coor explains how to better understand your child’s need for aggressive play and how to help kids keep it safe and fun.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript and additional resources are available at Simplecast.
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Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about how to respond to your child’s imaginary war, weapon, and aggressive play. Stick around till the end to learn about ways to keep your kids’ faux aggression lighthearted and fun.
Recently I got this note from a listener:
“Thank you so much for your fantastic podcast and the support it brings me and many other parents.
I'm getting in touch about the tricky dynamic between me and my son.
He has developed an intense interest in guns. I have tried to accept this as a phase that most boys go through. I even allowed him to have a nerf gun for his 9th birthday, in the spirit of ‘Ah well—go have fun!’ But I am really finding this hard.
He often pretends to hold a gun and cock the trigger or shoot me/imaginary enemies. He can spend an hour drawing all the guns he’s heard of and is always making gun noises under his breath. He quizzes me about which gun is which—he’ll say: ‘Mum—do you know what this one is?’
I am a pacifist and hate this kind of talk and especially feel it's inappropriate given that refugees from Ukraine are now arriving in our city. I want him to understand that guns are seriously harmful and I want him to have empathy for those who are harmed by them and develop other interests.
We’re stuck in a funk. I try to hold back on my thoughts but I know he knows I struggle with this. From about age 3, he’s been intensely interested in the dark and macabre, like pirates, death, and killing. Is this displaced worry? Does he feel powerless? He often says ‘If I saw a bad guy I would shoot him.’ I respond with things like ‘Two wrongs don't make a right’ and try to remind him that peace is the way.
I listened to your episode about parenting the child that you have, not the one you want, but I'm just finding it hard to apply radical acceptance in this instance where every nerve in my body is against this interest of his. I’m worried that my son could go down a dark path or fall into the trappings of toxic masculinity.
Please help if you can!”
So, after receiving this note I was reminded that this is an issue that’s come up several times in my practice. And it is a tricky thing to navigate. On the one hand, it’s just kid’s play. On the other hand, violence is such a huge part of our current global landscape, that it feels difficult to take a casual attitude in the face of even pretend violence.
This is also a particularly complex issue for Black and Brown children who may not always have the same privilege of freely playing with toy guns or engaging in imaginary violent play, lest they be seen as real and adult threats, then retaliated against as if they were.
So should parents allow this kind of pretend war, killing, and gun play?
Through adult lenses, it can be easy to mistake your child’s pretend play with real fighting or aggression. Looking out for a few clues can help you distinguish between play fighting and real fighting.
Real violence or aggression might include a sadistic pleasure in being cruel, and real fighting usually looks like closed-fist hitting, punching, kicking, and shoving along with scowling or frowning and crying. These are blows meant to inflict pain, and injuries often result. People go their separate ways feeling bad.
Play fighting usually involves chasing, fleeing, and wrestling along with smiling and laughing. Kids rarely use their full strength, because they’re not trying to purposefully hurt someone. The intent is to have fun. When the play fighting ends, friendliness and playfulness remain present.
Adults can have the impulse to ban aggressive pretend play out of fear that it will result in real aggressive behavior. But banning this kind of play is unlikely to stop it, as kids will just figure out sneaky ways to do it anyway. Also, the more you react negatively or try to talk them out of it, the more power you’re giving the issue—which may encourage your child to play aggressively just to push your buttons. In addition, attempts to control your child’s play themes can leave them feeling thwarted, misunderstood, and like the games they play are unwelcome and a bad thing—that they are a bad kid.
Your child needs to move and manipulate objects as they play and learn—which is why kids love props like toys, dolls, blocks, or even a stick. It may help to think of a pretend weapon as a play prop to a child.
Your child uses play to try to gain some understanding of their experiences and the world around them. This includes aggression and violence they’re exposed to through various screens and in real life. So it makes sense that this would seep into their play—especially when what they’ve seen or heard is graphic, scary, or confusing. Themes of power and protection, right and wrong, good and evil, safety and danger are played out with imaginary weapons. Ideas about life, death, and their own mortality are worked through in this kind of play. Pent-up energy is discharged through this play.
Your child is experimenting with their physical strength when they’re play fighting. They’re working out ideas about power when they or their action figures fight using fantasy weapons and superpowers. Using toys or imaginary weapons can help your child master their fears and experiment with feeling strong. Weapon play can help them feel safe or more powerful. Your child might even practice being courageous and compassionate by “saving” a playmate using their pretend weapons.
However brutal their make-believe aggressive and weapon play gets, make sure your children know that hurting people or destroying property is a hard no—full stop. Stay nearby so you can help facilitate problem-solving or conflict resolution if need be.
Also let your kids know that making shooting noises is fine, but not everyone wants to be shot or likes playing this way. They’ll need to ask first. If your child pretend-shoots without getting consent, you might need to set the limit. This could sound like, “Amy, do you want to be shot? She says no. You can shoot at me, but not at Amy.” With multiple children, help them collaborate to come up with rules for weapon and aggressive play that help everyone feel safe.
Unfortunately, pervasive societal racism means that Black and Brown children exploring themes of power through play fighting or weapon play are perceived as too aggressive and disruptive, which could lead to overly-punitive discipline at school and potentially deadly encounters with law enforcement. Parents raising Black and Brown kids might find it safest to limit this kind of play to their homes or other private spaces where they can freely let loose and explore their play themes however they wish.
Instead of suppressing weapon play and imaginary violence, look for opportunities to transform it. The fact that your child is playing this way means those scenes of violence are already in their head; banning the play won’t erase them. But one way to lessen scenes of aggression in their minds is to join them in their play and help them keep it lighthearted and creative rather than solely destructive.
When your child cocks their finger-gun at you, Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen, author of the book Playful parenting: An exciting new approach to raising children that will help you nurture close connections, solve behavior problems, and encourage confidence, suggests saying something like, “Aha! Looks like you’ve found the love gun! When I get shot with the love gun I have no choice but to love the person who shot me.” And then move robotically toward them with open arms as if to hug them with an extremely goofy lovey-dovey-smiley-face expression. If they say, “Well this is a hate gun!” you could reply: “Well, it must be broken because it’s only making me love you!” If they start laughing, don’t be afraid to ham it up. That could look like you chasing them down to “love” them with hugs and kisses or overboard professions of endless devotion to them, or slipping love notes to them underneath the door that they just playfully barricaded themselves behind.
As they get older, invite children to paint, make a comic book or a movie, or write stories with you, and depict the scenes of violence they may be holding in their minds in ways that are safe and involve the connection between you.
Dr. Cohen also suggests that toy guns, realistic and otherwise, are more likely to promote destructive play because there’s not much else to do with a gun except shoot it. However, your child using other objects to represent weapons still helps kids master their aggressive feelings. Not only does this kind of play spring from your child’s particular concerns, needs, and themes, but it can also be infinitely creative.
So, maybe skip buying toy weapons, and remember to really play up your woundedness when your child bites their cookie into the shape of a sword and pretends to stab you with it!
For this week’s parenting challenge, when you have the bandwidth, try to inject some connection into your child’s pretend weapon or fighting play—no matter how aggressive their play seems. For instance, Dr. Cohen suggests taking the role of a monster or a bad guy who’s slightly scary, but mostly bumbling and incompetent and hilarious. This gives your child an opportunity to overcome fears through play!
You can model how to express aggressive impulses and feelings in a safe way, and keep your kids from going overboard with imaginary violence by joining them in their aggressive fantasies. When you’re in the mix with them you can be proactive if things start to get out of hand, you can encourage the taking of breaks to cool off, and you can let your older child “attack” you instead of getting too physical for their younger and smaller sibling. And when in doubt, act silly and make them laugh.
If your child has a deep need to engage in weapon or aggression play that doesn’t hurt any real people or property, respect it. Allow your child the chance to grow and explore the play themes that are right for them in an atmosphere of acceptance, safety, and connection.
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram @BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about your child’s violent play, or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Catch you next week!
Levin, D. E. (2003). Beyond banning war and superhero play. Young Children, 61.