801. In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents navigate back-to-school stressors with the Heard, Hugged, Helped framework. This episode offers parents a roadmap for decoding their child's needs to respond skillfully, not react regretfully. Discover how to use co-regulation and conscious choices to build trust and connection during tough transitions.
801. In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents navigate back-to-school stressors with the Heard, Hugged, Helped framework. This episode offers parents a roadmap for decoding their child's needs to respond skillfully, not react regretfully. Discover how to use co-regulation and conscious choices to build trust and connection during tough transitions.
Find a full transcript here.
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Ever have a back-to-school morning where your kid is in slow motion and you're doing deep breathing, trying not to lose it? You love them dearly, but the frustration and shame can make you feel like a "bad parent." Today I’m talking about the three H's— Is your child feeling Heard, Hugged, or Helped? — and how to use these tools to navigate those big emotions for both of you. And stay tuned for a bonus 4th H!
Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. This is a space for more than just tips; it's an invitation to deepen your connection with your child while healing and unlearning in community.
The early school days are a lot. With new routines and expectations, most families are running a little hot, quicker to react and less resourced to repair. But these bumpy moments are also an opportunity. They offer a choice: increase disconnection or lead with connection.
Today, I want to give you a map for when emotions are running high—the Heard, Hugged, Helped strategy. This rubric can help you decode what your child actually needs in the moment so you can respond skillfully instead of reacting regretfully.
Before we dive in, I want to invite you into the present moment. If it feels safe, close your eyes or look down at something still. Notice your shoulders, jaw, and hands. Is a part of you already bracing for the stressors of back-to-school? Take a full exhale and allow the next inhale to arrive on its own. Just noticing what is, without judgment. This is how you move from automatic pilot to conscious choice.
Let’s get into it.
In the midst of the back-to-school transition, you might experience your child as more worried, stuck or frustrated than usual. Maybe they're extra clingy at drop-off, or they're having meltdowns over homework, or they're coming home exhausted and refusing to talk about their day. And in the face of their big feelings, your own body might start feeling reactive. Maybe your shoulders inch up, or your voice sharpens, or you feel compelled to get space from them or lecture them. You may rush into problem-solving mode or overwhelm causes you to shut down. That kind of reactivity on your end can leave your child feeling unheard and all alone with their challenging feelings. Then you are left feeling alone with parental guilt, second-guessing yourself. You’ve found yourselves trapped in a cycle of stress that connected co-regulation could solve.
At the heart of parent-child conflict is a nervous system response. When a child feels threatened by a new teacher or a demanding schedule, their brain enters a reactive fight, flight, or freeze state. This isn’t defiance; it's an involuntary physiological reaction. Because their emotional brain has taken over, they can't access their thinking brain. This is where co-regulation comes in. Your calm nervous system can help soothe their dysregulated one. The more you can stay calm when big feelings are present, the more you model for your children how to manage their own emotions.
For some kids, school isn’t a neutral space. Racialized microaggressions, ableist expectations, or gender policing can profoundly shape how safe a child feels. As a parent, you may also carry your own negative school memories. A big reaction in your body could be your history knocking, but don’t think of this as a flaw - it's information.
Western culture often prioritizes stoicism over interdependence. You may have been socialized to believe children should be "tough" or "resilient" without being given the relational tools to develop those qualities in a healthy way. This can lead to masking vulnerable emotions, which reinforces cycles of emotional suppression instead of connection.
Ultimately, the way you respond in these stress-filled moments can either increase disconnection or create new patterns of repair and trust.
The "Heard, Hugged, Helped" framework is a simple way to pause and tune into your child's needs during moments of stress. The goal is the "minimum effective dose" of intervention to help their nervous system calm down.
First up is Heard. Often, a child doesn't need a solution; they just need to feel their feelings are valid. This is especially true at the start of the school year when social or academic pressures are high.
Some kids feel heard through empathetic listening and silence. Others need you to reflect their feelings. When they say, “My new teacher sucks,” you can respond, “Wow, that sounds rough. What's it like to have a teacher you don't like?”
Validate their feelings without judgment, creating a safe space for them to open up. Say to yourself or to them, "It sounds like you're feeling really nervous about school," or "I hear you. It's tough to go somewhere new." Notice your own urge to fix things or say, "You’ll be fine." This is your cue to take a deep breath and return to listening.
When children feel heard, their nervous systems get the cue, "I'm not alone." This reduces their need to escalate and builds trust, and strengthens their self-worth.
"Hugged" doesn't always mean a physical hug. This is about offering nurturing comfort and connection, especially in a culture that values stoicism. Sometimes, a child simply needs to know you're there with them in their pain.
You can say, “That’s so tough. I’ll just sit here with you while it feels hard.” Non-touch "hugging" can include verbal affirmations, a cup of tea, a weighted blanket, or their favorite music. Think about their love language and how they receive care: through quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, or physical touch. These acts of presence on your part communicate that their emotions are a normal part of being human.
Once a child has been heard and hugged, they may be ready to problem-solve. This is where you can “Help.” Start with invitations like, "Do you want help brainstorming what to do?" or "What would make this whole situation 10% easier?"
Productive "helping" conversations empower them, not just solve the problem for them. You might say, "We can figure out where your homework sheet is together. Let's retrace your steps." When kids are invited into solutions, they feel a sense of competence and agency. They learn that needing help is normal and that you’re their partner. This helps them build executive functioning skills like planning and flexibility.
During back-to-school transitions, you can directly ask your child: “Right now, do you want to be heard, hugged, or helped?” Giving them this "multiple choice" menu can be empowering. If they're too dysregulated to choose, start with "heard." If that doesn't work, try "hugged." If that's unhelpful, move on to the bonus H.
Sometimes the most compassionate response is to give space and press pause. A bonus fourth H here, "hiatus," is a temporary, intentional break. It’s an interval where nothing needs to be fixed. For some kids, this means retreating to their room or listening to music.
The key is to treat this pause not as a withdrawal, but as a respectful break. Once your child has had space to settle, you can gently reconnect by saying, “I’m wondering if you might like a hug, to talk, or to think of ideas now?” This allows their nervous system to reset, making one of the other H's more accessible.
Before I wrap up, I invite you to check in with yourself again. Did any part of you get stirred while I talked about the 4 H’s? Maybe a part that learned long ago it wasn’t safe to have needs? Notice where that part lives in your body—is it a tightness, a heat, a specific image? Say “Hey there. I see you.” Thank this part for its protection. Let it know you’re building something different, a place where everyone feels safe to need co-regulation and to talk about their inner worlds.
As you transition into the school year, try pausing before you respond to your child's jitters. Ask them what they most need: to be heard, hugged, helped, or a hiatus. Notice what shifts when you lead with curiosity.
If you try these H's, I'd love to hear about it! Share your experiences with me on Instagram @bkparents or at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. For more about my work, check out my website, www.brooklynparentherapy.com and my monthly IG live broadcasts. I'm Dr. Nanika Coor. Remember to take good care of you, so you can take good care with them. Catch you next week.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Dan Fierabend is our audio engineer. Holly Hutchings is our Director of Podcasts. Morgan Christianson heads up Operations & Advertising, and a special welcome to Rebekah Sebastian, our new Manager of Marketing and Publicity! Thanks also to Nat Hoopes for his support and most of all thanks to you for listening!