In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents through a common and confusing challenge: when kids seem to reject emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Learn about the cultural and social factors that contribute to this "aversion to mushy feelings" and get a "toolkit" of five practical, compassionate strategies. Find out how to model healthy emotional expression, use language that externalizes feelings, and reframe vulnerability as a strength, helping your child build emotional resilience and deeper connections.
In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents through a common and confusing challenge: when kids seem to reject emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Learn about the cultural and social factors that contribute to this "aversion to mushy feelings" and get a "toolkit" of five practical, compassionate strategies. Find out how to model healthy emotional expression, use language that externalizes feelings, and reframe vulnerability as a strength, helping your child build emotional resilience and deeper connections.
Find a full transcript here.
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You’re snuggling with your child on the couch, watching a movie. Suddenly, a tender, emotional scene comes on and they lunge for the remote, fast-forwarding with a grimace. "Ew, that's so cringe!" they exclaim. Maybe they happily accept a hug from you, but a moment later, they shut down when you express sadness. As a parent, you might be confused, frustrated or worried about this. Today, I’ll explore why some kids reject "mushy" or sentimental feelings and how you can help them navigate the full spectrum of emotions.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor, clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. This is a space not only for parenting tips, but also an invitation into the layered, liberating process of becoming—deepening your connection with your child while healing in community, unlearning in community, and reshaping what’s possible in community.
Before we dive in, I invite you to take a moment to settle. Find a comfortable position and gently close your eyes, or soften your gaze. Take a breath and just notice. How does your body feel right now? What thoughts are in your mind? Is there a particular emotion present? No need to change anything - just observe what's already here. Today I’m talking about a common challenge: when kids seem to reject vulnerable emotions in themselves and others. As I’m exploring this, I encourage you to pay attention to your own internal landscape. Does the topic bring up a sense of familiarity or a memory from your own childhood? Are you noticing a part of you that feels activated or resistant? Just notice what comes up with some gentle curiosity.
Let’s get into it.
It's common for kids to have a hard time with emotions, especially the vulnerable ones like sadness, shame, or fear. They might find it much easier to express anger or frustration. This can be a sign of emotional perfectionism or emotophobia—the belief that you should only feel positive emotions and that so-called "negative" emotions are dangerous and should be avoided. This fear is a driving force behind suppressing feelings and can lead to emotional numbing or avoidance.
This is no wonder. Society often teaches us to value stoicism, but this can lead to a belief that emotions like sadness or fear are weaknesses to be avoided. For some kids, seeing or feeling vulnerability is so uncomfortable they reject it entirely. They might internalize a message that these feelings are "bad" or "wrong," leading them to deny their own emotions and judge others for theirs. This avoidance can lead to significant problems down the line, affecting their ability to form deep, meaningful connections.
Western culture's relationship with emotions is complex. Historically, certain emotions were deemed "acceptable," while others were considered private or weak. These norms are deeply ingrained. In the media kids consume, they see emotional detachment celebrated as a sign of strength, which contributes to a collective difficulty with vulnerability. Your child’s struggle isn’t just internal; it's a reflection of the messages they've absorbed. And understanding this isn't about laying blame, but recognizing the context we’re all in. It’s also an opportunity to question the narrative that emotions are something to be "mastered" and instead see them as natural, essential parts of being human.
Here are five ways to help your child develop emotional flexibility and tolerance for vulnerability.
You are your child's first and most important teacher. The most meaningful thing you can do is model healthy vulnerability yourself. This doesn’t mean falling apart in front of your child, this looks like sharing your own emotions in a neutral, accessible way. For example, instead of saying, "I'm fine," when you're stressed, you could say, "Wow, I feel a little overwhelmed by my to-do list today. I'm going to take a deep breath." When you make a mistake and feel self-critical, acknowledge it AND model self-compassion, "I messed up and forgot to buy milk. I feel a bit embarrassed about it, but it's okay, we can get it tomorrow." This teaches them that emotions are normal, temporary, and manageable. It shows them that vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s just a part of humanity.
When your child is struggling with a strong emotion, help them separate themselves from the feeling. Instead of saying, "You're angry," try saying what you see, "That frown on your face tells me that anger might be visiting you right now." This is a subtle but powerful shift. It re-frames the emotion as a temporary state, not an identity. It also connects what their body is doing to how they feel inside. And you’re also leaving the door open for correction - you’re taking a guess, not making a statement of certainty. But ultimately you're helping them see that they are not their feelings. You can also use metaphors, like waves in the ocean, to describe how emotions rise and fall. "This big wave of sadness feels intense right now, and it will also pass." This approach allows them to observe their emotions without getting swept away by them.
Expand your family’s emotional vocabulary beyond just "happy," "sad," and "mad." Consider introducing a wider range of words like frustrated, disappointed, content, worried, or relieved. Read books and watch shows that have characters displaying a variety of emotions, and talk about them. "Hmm, that character seems annoyed. What do you think happened? What do you think they’re telling themselves about what happened that is making them feel annoyed?" This gives them a snapshot into someone else’s emotional world, helping them understand more about their own.
When your child gets upset, again - you can narrate what you're seeing. "I see your hands are clenched and your face looks scrunched. Are you feeling irritated?" This gives them the words to articulate what's happening inside and connect that to what’s happening in their body without judgment.
When your child expresses discomfort with a vulnerable moment, don't rush to fix it or distract them or try to convince them to see things the way you see them. Instead, try to understand what’s happening for them from their own point of view. If they say a scene in a movie is "cringey," you can respond with curiosity. "That's an interesting word. What part of that scene felt cringey to you?" Then, simply hold space for whatever they say. You can also offer a neutral observation. "It can be really uncomfortable to watch people be so vulnerable, can't it?" This validates their feeling of discomfort without agreeing that vulnerability is something to be avoided. By not rushing to change their discomfort, you are teaching them that discomfort isn't a crisis, and they can stay with that discomfort and even learn something about it.
Challenge the notion that being vulnerable is a weakness. You can do this by highlighting how vulnerability builds connection. When you share a difficult feeling with your child, you can explain why. "I felt sad when my friend moved away, and I shared it with my friend because talking about it with them made me feel less alone." You can also point out instances of vulnerability in the world that lead to positive outcomes. "Look at those kids on the playground. It took courage for that child to ask if they could join the game, even though they might’ve been scared the kids might say no. Now they're all playing together." This reframes vulnerability from a liability to a superpower for building relationships.
Helping your kids navigate their feelings isn’t just about making them "nicer" people. They sometimes need more tools that help them experience their full humanity. When we model and teach emotional flexibility, we are equipping them for a lifetime of healthy relationships and internal well-being. This is an act of liberation that can free them from the restrictive idea that some feelings are "bad" or "weak." It's an invitation to embrace the full, messy, beautiful spectrum of human experience.
As I close today's conversation, I invite you to turn your attention inward again. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Notice what images, memories, or thoughts arose for you as we talked about emotional vulnerability and avoidance. Were there any particular sensations in your body? How about emotions? Just notice what landed with you, all by itself. You might find a part of you that felt uncomfortable with the idea of being vulnerable, and that's okay. See if you can acknowledge that part and offer it some kindness. Ask it, "What are you trying to protect me from?" By simply befriending these inner experiences, you are already taking a step toward greater emotional flexibility for yourself, which helps you model that same resilience for your child.
I hope you found this helpful. I’m really curious to know what you folks want to learn about, what parenting questions are that’re keeping you up at night and what struggles are feeling overwhelming. I also want to know who you might want me to interview on the show! So share your thoughts with me via Instagram @bkparents, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. I really want this era of the show to be about community, collaboration and collective care. So if you’re feeling inspired to reach out - follow that impulse to connect!
I’ll catch you next week.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Our audio-engineer for the show is Dan Feierabend. Our director of podcasts is Holly Hutchings. Our digital operations specialist is Holly Hutchings. Our advertising operations specialist is Morgan Christianson and our marketing contractor is Nathaniel Hoopes.