Nonviolent communication, or NVC, is a communication strategy—and also a lens through which you can look at life—that can be used to connect with others and resolve conflict in a respectful and compassionate way.
We all have good reasons for the things that we do—your kids included. Underneath every person’s actions, there are feelings and needs. In today’s episode, I’m talking about using non-violent communication to understand your child’s feelings and needs (and your own), manage conflict with your kids, between your kids, and simply to connect with your kids for connection’s sake.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
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We all have good reasons for the things that we do—your kids included. Underneath every person’s actions, there are feelings and needs. Behaviors are just the tip of the iceberg. If you’re able to shift your focus to see this, you’ll be able to help yourself and others get through difficult conflicts and situations in a way that feels good, and you’ll also have an easy method to increase connection with your child.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood! I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll help you repair and deepen your parent-child connection, increase self-compassion and cooperation from your kids, and cultivate joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
Nonviolent communication, or NVC, is a communication strategy—and also a lens through which you can look at life—that can be used to connect with others and resolve conflict in a respectful and compassionate way. While I’ll be talking about NVC in the context of parent-child relationships and sibling relationships, NVC works for any interpersonal situation where more connection is desired, and for everyone of any age, anywhere in the world.
NVC is a 4-step process of communication that focuses on the present moment, feelings, needs, and the actions that can be taken to meet those needs. It’s a practical way to put intentions into action. When using NVC in a parent-child dynamic, you’ve got some options for how you can use it for connection: self-empathy, self-expression, and offering empathy.
It’s not easy to help young people connect with their feelings and needs—their own anger, for instance—if you don’t understand your own needs and your own anger. The more you understand your own needs and emotions the easier it will be to help your child with theirs. Let’s look at the 4 steps of NVC:
Step 1: Observation
What do you see and hear right now that a video camera could record? Remember, this isn’t about the meaning you’re making of what you’re hearing and seeing. An observation is objective and without value. It’s about the facts of what’s happening, not your opinions, evaluations, assessments, or narratives you create about it.
Step 2: Feelings
Think of your emotions as little messengers that are telling you what you need. Your feelings are always letting you know if you’re getting your needs met or not. Notice what body sensations and emotions are coming up in response to what’s happening—without acting on them. Do you feel a tightening in your chest from frustration? Do you feel anger? Disappointment?
Understanding yourself means taking responsibility for your own feelings. Own that your feelings stem from your needs. This models self-responsibility and establishes clear boundaries between you and others. Sometimes you’re not reacting to an event itself as much as you’re reacting to your interpretation of that event—it’s important to build awareness of that difference. It’s important to differentiate between your own feelings and someone else’s actions. What you’re feeling, whether it’s happy, sad, or something else, is about you and whether or not your needs are being met in the moment. Sometimes it’s helpful to refer to a list of common human emotions, especially if you find it hard to identify what you feel.
Step 3: Needs
All humans share a set of life-affirming needs. You have pleasant feelings when your needs are met and unpleasant feelings when your need isn’t met. You might have a mix of feelings if some of your needs are met but not others. Needs are the core values that matter most to you, that motivate your behavior or why you want the things that you want. To help identify your needs, ask yourself, “What am I not getting? What is it that’s not getting fulfilled?”
Understanding your needs and feelings in this way is a kind of self-empathy—which helps you understand and have empathy for others, like your kids. One way to identify your own needs is to use a needs list. You can find links to both feeling and needs lists in the show notes of this episode.
Step 4: Requests
The best request is something that the other person can do in the moment to help support you in getting your needs met. Requests should be specific, concrete, action-based, and doable in the moment. It’s the difference between “I want you to be more helpful” and “Would you be willing to load the dishwasher now?”
The key is a willingness to be collaborative or flexible on how your needs get met—it’s only a request if you’re willing to hear a “No.” Otherwise, it’s a demand or you’re setting a boundary. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of NVC, offers a suggestion to state your requests from a stance of “Hey, I’d really like you to do this, it would meet my need, but if your needs are in conflict I’d like to hear that, and let’s figure out a way to get everybody’s needs met.”
Self-empathy can be helpful when you’re experiencing parenting guilt, feeling overwhelmed, or when, for example, your child has just done or said something that doesn’t meet your needs for kindness and consideration so you feel hurt or angry. Instead of telling yourself: “She’s such a brat.” You can reframe: “When I hear her say to me, ‘Shut up, mom,’ I feel resentful because I really value respect.”
Empathy for others means understanding the feelings and needs behind their actions. You can strengthen your empathy skills by focusing your attention on your child’s needs. What all people have in common is that everyone has needs! This stance can help you manage conflicts before they escalate.
When your child is having big feelings and seems to need understanding, using the 4 steps of NVC can show your child that their needs matter to you. Kids are more likely to listen to your needs and requests when they’ve been heard themselves. Your child won’t be ready to take in your concerns and your guidance until they’ve said what’s important to them.
Instead of “Stop crying! We come to the park every day!”, try “Are you feeling sad and disappointed that we’re leaving because you really had fun playing today? Would you like to come to the park tomorrow?” Let your child express themselves and cry all of their tears. Show them with your patient words and actions: “I’m staying right here and trying to support you.”
When your kids are resisting your requests, or they’ve done or said something you don’t like, you might be tempted to blame or criticize them using “you-statements” like “You’re such a slob! You don’t care about our home at all!” Instead, pause and take a deep breath, identify your judgmental thoughts and your unmet needs, and communicate that using “I-statements” instead. This could sound like: “When I see your clothes lying on the floor I feel sad and anxious because I really value order and cooperation. Would you be willing to pick your clothes up and put them away by 7 pm this evening?”
It’s classic for a sibling to come to a parent saying, “I’m angry because she hit me!” With NVC kids (and grown-ups) can practice changing the use of the word “because” so that it becomes more about the person having the feeling. In this example, there’s something in this child that makes them angry—it’s not about the hitter. Remember that when something happens to a person, an emotion arises in them—pleasant or unpleasant—because there is something they need that is either fulfilled or not.
Using NVC can help kids learn to focus on how they’re feeling. You want your child to begin to wonder: what feelings do I have and where do they come from within me? For older kids you can begin to take it to the next level: what would it take to make a change? What feelings and needs might the other person have? You’ll notice that kids not only get more in touch with themselves, but they also start to have empathy for one another.
Similar to the way you’d offer empathy to one child, you can help kids work through their conflicts with other kids by asking about facts, feelings, needs, and how things can move forward. Start by asking one child what happened and how they feel about it, and which needs are unfulfilled as a result (the feelings and needs lists can help you here), and finally—what does this child want to happen now—perhaps there’s an action someone can make right now that would meet their needs. You can also talk about what could’ve been done differently that would’ve been better for both kids and come up with something they can use if the issue comes up again.
Working through the 4 steps with calmness and presence can create the conditions for a positive conversation. As you repeat back what you’re hearing, you may have to “translate” their words into facts instead of opinions or feelings instead of judgments.
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When your child is thwarted in getting their needs met or is forced to put those needs aside, it creates an inner tension that can lead to unfortunate behaviors. But when you make NVC a habit, your child comes to believe that they aren’t going to be lectured, dismissed, or punished when a conflict happens. Your kids know that you’re going to listen to them and do your best to understand them, or help both kids in a conflict to understand each other.
Ultimately NVC is not simply a method you can use, but it also changes something inside you personally and the way you interact with your child and others. It’s a different way of listening—a different way of speaking. It changes the whole vibe of your parent-child relationship, leaving you feeling more at peace and more able to make the space for your kids that they need and deserve. Conflicts start to feel lighter and easier to solve, and may even help you feel more self-confident in your parenting. You start to understand that there’s something going on inside of your child, in their heart—even when they’re doing something you don’t like. Deep down, there’s a good reason for their behavior. There are feelings and needs behind their unfortunate actions which are worthy of being listened to.
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That’s all for today’s episode of Project Parenthood—thanks for listening, and I hope you found this helpful! Be sure to join me live on Instagram @bkparents on Monday, August 14 at 1 pm for a Brooklyn Parent Therapy “Ask Me Anything!” It’s exciting to answer your questions in real-time!
If you have a question for me about parent-child relationships, respectful parenting tips and/or parental mental health that you’d like me to cover in a future episode, shoot me an email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com, leave a message at 646-926-3243 or leave a message on Instagram @bkparents. And you can learn about my private practice working with parents living in New York State at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com.
Catch you next week!
https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/pdf_files/parenting_communication_mrose.pdf
Nonviolent Communication with kids: 5-minute kickstart + demo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPxDB26nbss&t=548s
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJgDKD_F6oc
Culture of Peace in schools with NVC - Film 1 of 5 - Behind every action there is a need
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTeQbzys3tw