Chelsea offers essential tips for preparing older children for a new sibling. Learn how to manage feelings of jealousy, foster early connections, and ensure your children feel included and supported during the transition.
Chelsea offers essential tips for preparing older children for a new sibling. Learn how to manage feelings of jealousy, foster early connections, and ensure your children feel included and supported during the transition.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Chelsea Dorcich. A transcript is available as Simplecast.
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A few weeks ago, we had an amazing episode on building your village as a new parent. What about when we decide to add to our family? So when we add another baby, whether it's number two or three or four, how do we prepare our older children? We often expect our older children to be just as excited as we are, and to suddenly grow up.
However, is this realistic? Hi, welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Chelsea Dorcich, Licensed Marriage Family Therapist. I am here to join you on your conscious parenting journey, bringing more curiosity, openness, acceptance, kindness, and non judgment along the way. My goal is for us to accept what is out of our control, commit to improving our parenting life, and discover better outcomes for ourselves and our family.
Adding another baby can add stress on parents financially, emotionally, however, it can also add more joy and pride. However, I'm going to do
that again. Adding another baby can add more joy, pride. It can also add stress financially, emotionally. However, what does it add for older children? As parents, we can often add higher expectations for them without even realizing it. And parents can view their children's feelings as inconvenient if they're anything but joyful and supportive.
However, all feelings are allowed as adding a baby can add feelings like abandonment and jealousy in our older children. And it's completely normal for kids to be jealous of a sibling, new baby, older sibling. We have to allow them and expect those feelings. It's not the end of the world. If we don't allow our children to have those feelings, those feelings may come back out in ways that are more destructive.
So let's talk about how to share the news of adding a new baby, how to help our older children bond with the babies in utero and how we as parents can support our older children's emotions. And what is settling in look like as a family for those first few weeks,
sharing the news and helping our children start to bond with baby in utero. So start reading books about becoming a big sibling and having conversation. Start reading books about becoming a big sibling and having conversations with your child about this a month before you want to share the news and share from your child's perspective.
When you do, you are going to be a big sister or brother. Answer their questions, but keep it simple, you don't have to get very technical. If your child doesn't respond as you would have expected or liked, empathize and validate and reflect. Remember, it's okay for them to have those feelings. Be aware of how much you're talking about the baby or doing things to prepare for the baby.
Don't make everything about the baby. And, spoiler alert, this is going to come up in all the sections we're talking about this episode. This can't be stressed enough. Make it your child's baby too. So your sibling or our baby. Wonder aloud about how the baby is doing and what the baby is doing. So when you talk about the baby's feelings while they're in utero and their needs throughout your pregnancy with the older siblings.
This can actually help create better empathy and a better relationship with those older siblings. And it helps set realistic expectations for them. If you can take your child along with you to the doctor to hear the baby's heartbeat. Include your children or child in brainstorming possible baby names as well as setting up the room, choosing clothes, all of those fun things.
If your child doesn't already have a baby doll, buy one so they can practice nurturing it and taking care of it. Speak to your baby. About how wonderful your child is tell them. Oh my gosh. You have the best big brother. They are so amazing I can't wait till you meet them. I'll connect your child and the baby so have your older child sing to the baby or read to the baby and When the baby kicks have your child at your belly or even gently poke back so they're interacting with one another Talk about when your child was a baby and what it was like when they were growing inside of you and what they were like when they came out.
You can even explore sibling birth classes in your area,
supporting your child emotionally as they move towards becoming a big sibling. First and foremost, acknowledge that your pregnancy is stressful to your child. Make any big changes well before the birth. So if your child's of toilet training age, or if you're moving rooms or moving houses, anything that needs an adjustment period, allow that because the birth of your new baby is a whole nother adjustment period.
Emphasize your child being healthy. Unique and special hone in on all those fun qualities that they have. And again, I told you, I'd mentioned again, be conscientious of your focus on the baby and not overdoing it. Allow your child's feelings, make space for them again, validate them, empathize, reflect on them, emphasize your child's role in the family and its importance.
So don't let their role. Start to fade into the background, make connections and give context when your pregnancy prevents you from doing something you'd normally be able to do. Let's say like carry your child or go on a rollercoaster, just support it with some context. It doesn't mean that you don't want to, or you're choosing not to give them more information.
Make those connections. If you are the parent who will be primarily taking care of the new baby, such as nursing, staying home or hands on, start to take note of the things that you'll be unable or just less available to do with your current child. For example, sometimes, um, there's a nighttime routine and you can't maybe expect that that's going to be able to stay in place once baby is here.
So maybe have your partner start putting your child to bed or reading them the second book Just be, again, be more reflective and aware of what might have to adjust once baby is here. Know that your child may be worried about things that they hear about babies. It might just, it might not all have to do with, Oh, now there's someone else coming into our family, into my world.
They might hear things, you know, maybe your neighbor's baby had to go to the hospital or had RSV, or, you know, they hear things and they can start to worry about what's going to happen when the baby comes. So just be more aware, or if there's a shift in your child's mood or if they're Kind of being a little shy or quiet around the topic of baby and just try to be curious about that.
Keep your relationship with your old, keep your relationship with your older child as affectionate and consistent as possible and involve them in things like packing the hospital bag. And I recommend staking a little present in there for them so that when they do come to visit baby in the hospital there is something in there for them.
Settling in as a family. When baby comes along there Is there needs to be an expected form of regression from your older children in any shape or form, because all of a sudden, this older child, no matter what their age, they're expected to be even older than they already are, or doing things that maybe some days they can do by themselves, but all of a sudden, they're expected to do it every day now, so we need to be more aware of what we're expectations are of our older children.
And also where that they might not be solely delighted. Of course they can be excited, but they also might have feelings of resentment or abandonment or jealousy. And we have to realize that what child wouldn't have some of those feelings when they, once they do realize they're losing a lot of the attention they used to have, especially if they were an only child before we don't on them.
We talk about them as a baby, as we mentioned before. And when the second baby is born, Born, we, we recognize that as we, as a parent might have a little bit of grief of missing out on some of that one on one time. So as our child, so just to really empathize with that state. And it's been recommended that even those first 10 days, or maybe even a week that mom that carried baby is spending as much time with the older children as possible and allowing partner to.
So. Kind of bond with the baby, so we're trying to really hone in on that attention for older children and Really allowing difficult feelings that may come up in those first few days of baby being home Continue to validate and enjoy your older children. So again, making don't make everything about the baby, but do have your older children and visit the baby as soon as possible in the hospital, make them feel included in your immediate family, include your older children in the care of the baby and have them.
You know, whether it's getting diapers, bottles, a pillow, nursing pillow, we can also have them pick out a very special levy or blanket for the baby, and that's their gift for them. And they'll have a lot more pride and connection when they see the baby as they grow older and start to bond with that special levy or blanket.
Talk to the baby, just like you did when they're in utero about your older children, how, what amazing big sibling they are, you know, if you're nursing the baby and your older child is. Playing a game or building blocks talked about. Oh my gosh, your older brother is So good at this puzzle. I cannot wait till he can teach you how to do puzzles or your older sister is Doing such a good job taking care of her stuffed animals I can't wait till you know You feel how much love she's giving you When you do have to stop what you're doing through older child to tend to the baby include them if you can Oh, you know She must have, um, I think baby's hungry.
Do you want to come with me? Do you want to help get everything ready? Um, or again, the choice, or do you want to stay here and keep playing? You know, or do you want to bring your toys with me? I'm going to go feed baby in the, in the nursery. Do you want to bring that with you? And we can, you can play in there while I feed her.
Continue to acknowledge, validate and meet your older child's needs. This is where the parent village comes in handy that we talked about a few weeks ago. So, you know, this is where we can really delegate and have. Partners or grandparents or neighbors come hold the baby for a little bit while you spend time with your older child, or if it is just you in that moment, try to avoid saying things like, Oh, once the baby comes down or once the baby's fed, see if you can frame it as, Oh, as soon as my hands are free and I can put all my focus on you, I'll be right there and it'll be a little bit more digestible for your child to have that short delay.
You can ask your family and friends to bring a small gift for your older children when they come to meet the baby and or ask them to greet the older children first. So, again, not everything is about the baby,
take lots of photos of your older children holding the baby. You can put them around the house. You can send them out as your birth announcement. And the plus side is as your child is holding baby, they're going to smell baby's pheromones and really begin to start to feel more protective of babies. So that's a great connection builder.
As the best of your ability, keep your older children's schedule as safe as you can. Closely knit as possible and remember that your older child is still little, even if they're five or six, try to refrain from expecting too much from them and really do anticipate regression in some area, some form. It's important to make sure that the older children get time with both parents.
I know we already talked about this a little bit, but just, it's not just the other parent, right? If you're the parent who's nursing and doing the majority of the daytime care, make sure that you also get some time with your older children. Thanks everyone. Be playful. So I know we talked about this a lot, but acknowledge you may be exhausted.
So maybe you find a little bit more of a creative way to find playful moments with your older children. It might not be the same, but it can be as something as simple as, you know, what? This is what I can do right now. Can we do that tomorrow? Let's put it on our calendar that you and I are going to do this.
And that may mean that you are not folding your laundry in the next two days, but you are going to show up. So that's the next thing I want to emphasize, show up and show your love for your older children. You do not by any means have to be a super parent, but just showing up for your older children and sharing your love is going to do wonders for them.
It's going to make them feel seen, feel empowered and feel like they still have you. If you are adopting a new baby or having your new baby through surrogacy, you can still follow most of these tips, just some, a few creative adjustments. The department of social services in your area and the organization through which you are doing surrogacy will have resources to help support the transition for your older children as well.
That's it for this week's edition of Project Parenthood. Remember to be curious, open, accepting, kind, and nonjudgmental on your conscious parenting journey. If you have any questions about this episode, about your parenting journey and or topics you would like to hear more about, please reach out to parenthood@quickanddirty tips.com or leave a message at 6469263243. Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team at quick and dirty tips, Holly Hutchings, Davina Tomlin, Morgan Christianson, and Brannan Goetschius. May you be happy, safe and protected, healthy and strong and live with ease.