809. Why does the urge to intervene feel so overwhelming? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor unpacks the anxiety and external pressures that fuel your need to "fix" your child's life - and how noticing your own internal experience can help you respond with respectful, connected, and liberating presence instead.
809. Why does the urge to intervene feel so overwhelming? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor unpacks the anxiety and external pressures that fuel your need to "fix" your child's life - and how noticing your own internal experience can help you respond with respectful, connected, and liberating presence instead.
Find a transcript here.
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You just watched your child get their feelings hurt after a friend didn't invite them to a party, and your stomach immediately clenched. You feel the electric current of panic, the automatic thought, I have to make this better right now, or they won’t recover from this. Before you know it, you’re already launching into a long explanation of why the friend probably didn't mean anything by it, trying to ameliorate the situation and your child's feelings. You're trying so hard, and yet you both walk away feeling frustrated and disconnected.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood, I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week I’ll help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community. Today I’m talking about that intense, overwhelming urge you might feel to jump in and solve your child's problems, whether it's navigating peer conflict, deciding how to spend their allowance, or choosing a path in life. I’ll explore what fuels that impulse and how it often can get in the way of the kind of connection you crave with your kids.
Before I dive in, take a moment to notice what’s happening in your body and mind as you anticipate this topic. Is there a flutter of resistance, racing thoughts, or some sudden heat in your cheeks? Just pause and breathe into this noticing. Don't judge or try to change whatever’s happening. Simply allow whatever is coming up for you to be present. This is just you noticing your automatic reactions with curiosity.
Let’s get into it.
You see your kid struggling with a school project, a friendship drama, or a tough coach, and the voice inside your head screams: They’ll fail. They’ll be hurt. They’ll be judged. What will people think of me? Your immediate, knee-jerk reaction is to grab the reins in some way - dash off an email to a teacher, offer unsolicited dating advice to your teen or young adult, or launch into a lengthy lecture about the dangers of being cavalier with money. This is part of being a good parent, right? It’s protecting your child, right? Is it though? Or is the impulse you feel in these moments really about protecting yourself from feelings of discomfort or personal failure?
Parent-child patterns like this often lead to your child pulling away because they feel unseen or stifled. Or maybe they start to rely on you to rescue them from any hint of minor discomfort.
And if you’re a parent already navigating the daily weathering that comes with systemic oppression? Whether that’s racism, ableism, or classism - the urge to jump in with fixes might be particularly intense. If you’re raising children with marginalized identities: children of color, neurodiverse kids, gender-creative kids - you may have a justified fear that a mistake or a perceived vulnerability will have far greater, more severe consequences for your child than it would for someone in a dominant group.
I know that my own Black elders felt an urgent and anxiety-fueled need to over-correct even small behavioral missteps in public, knowing the disproportionate and harmful surveillance we faced as kids. You might simply be trying to shield your child from a hostile system, and yet, your hyper-vigilant controlling interventions can inadvertently communicate that your child's own judgment and internal world are not to be trusted. This cycle of well-intentioned over-management is not only exhausting for both of you, but it also hinders your child’s developing sense of mastery and self-trust.
So what unseen currents are pushing you into this pattern of automatic parental fix-it-ness?
Here are a few things that might be at play:
When you co-regulate with your child, which looks like you maintaining calm and presence while they navigate difficulty, their brain builds resilience. But when you take over and fix, you interrupt the opportunity for them to strengthen their developing problem-solving, emotional awareness skills. But when you give up your role as “fixer” and instead take on the role of facilitator, you become a neutral but responsive guide who provides encouragement and support without intervening to resolve issues your child could handle themselves.
So now I want to talk about how to interrupt your automatic urge to fix and instead lean into connection and collaboration. Here are a few ways to do that.
1. Stop, Drop, and Connect to Self.
Before you open your mouth, pause and turn your attention inward. Ask yourself: Where is the anxiety in my body? Notice the tension. Acknowledge the part of you that’s scared and gently remind yourself, I am safe right now. My child’s feelings are not an emergency for me to solve. This brief pause helps you shift from reacting to responding - with clarity, compassion, and choice.
2. Validate, Don’t Evaluate.
When your child brings you a problem or makes a misstep, resist the urge to fix or explain. Instead, name what you see and offer validation: “That sounds so frustrating,” or “You look really disappointed.” You’re communicating, I see you, I hear you, and your feelings make sense. This simple act regulates both of you and creates emotional safety for your child to stay in their experience instead of shutting down.
3. Engage Curious Inquiry, Not Command.
Once your child feels understood, step into the role of collaborative partner rather than expert. Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think might help?” or “If you could imagine the best outcome, what would it look like?” These questions communicate trust in your child’s capabilities, and guide them toward their own inner wisdom - without taking control of the process.
4. Name the Fear and Context.
Quietly check in with yourself: “Am I stepping in because I’m afraid of how the world will treat my child - or because of what I’ve internalized about ‘good parenting’ and ‘successful kids’?” You might whisper internally, I’m worried because I love you and because the world isn’t always kind, but I trust your resourcefulness and I’m here. This awareness keeps your parenting rooted in reality and compassion, not control.
5. Repair and Re-Collaborate.
When you notice you’ve jumped in too fast, circle back with honesty: “I realized I took over because I got scared, not because you needed me to. I’m sorry. How would you like me to handle that next time?” Inviting your child into this kind of repair models accountability, mutual respect, and shared power - key ingredients in resilient, connected relationships.
Try some curious inquiry the next time your young person brings up anything that’s a problem for them or that feels problematic to you - even if it's just deciding what to wear on picture day. Low-pressure, low stakes times are the best times to practice the parenting tools that you’ll need in the high stakes moments.
Right now - check in with yourself. Rest your awareness deep in your core and notice what stirred in your body as you heard this episode? Maybe a rush of heat, a tightening in your throat, a twinge of guilt when you think of times you stepped in to smooth the way or protect rather than listen. Just acknowledge whatever came up with a deep, full breath. What is that reaction trying to tell you about your own history or your hopes for your child? Instead of trying to suppress it, can you meet it with open, benevolent, curious awareness and radical acceptance?
Let me leave you with this: your child has their own process, their own voice, their own capacity for growth. Your role isn’t to fix everything - but to be present, to listen, to trust, and to partner. Sure, sometimes you’ll need to take charge when your child is in an unsafe situation or dealing with an age-inappropriate problem that’s beyond their current abilities to manage. But outside of those times, you can simply notice, name and accept your own fears and accompanying urges to fix. And then, instead of acting from fear and urge, you can choose to respond from a place of connection and curiosity - not control. You can try to create a space where your child’s competence and your relationship’s mutual respect can both flourish. Your mindful presence is enough!
If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who might feel the pressure to rescue their child every time they stumble. Remember that you’re not alone - parenting isn’t meant to be a solo journey. Other parents are also learning, unlearning and imagining new ways of relating - raising children with respect, dignity and shared power.
How has your own impulse to fix or intervene shown up lately - and how might this episode help you respond differently? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website at brooklynparenttherapy.com, where you can join my newsletter to learn about upcoming community parent events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to your contractor, Nat Hoopes.