Project Parenthood

Should I encourage my family to make New Year’s resolutions?

Episode Summary

816. Should you help your family set New Year’s resolutions, or does that pressure do more harm than good? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores how to approach the new year through the idea of right relationship, offering parents grounded ways to reflect, reset, and grow together without shame, coercion, or perfectionism.

Episode Notes

Links:

www.brooklynparenttherapy.com

https://www.instagram.com/bkparents/

Sources:

https://www.soiltjp.org/blog/new-years-resolutions-and-practicing-accountability

https://bob-lynn.medium.com/beyond-resolutions-reimagining-renewal-in-the-modern-age-2efe973fbe0e

Related Project Parenthood episodes:

How to reduce parental stress with mindfulness
Calm your nervous system to calm your child
How to assert your own needs with your child

Find a transcript here.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.

Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.

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https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/

Episode Transcription

Do you notice that electric hope in the air? It’s that "fresh start effect" you start to feel when a temporal milestone like January 1st is on the horizon. It’s a powerful kind of psychological anchor that reminds you that you can leave past failures behind and embrace a "new and improved" version of yourself. And for some parents, that shiny optimism can look like pressure to resolve to turn over a new leaf by committing to trying to "fix" unpleasant family dynamics at the turn of the new year. You notice a spark of optimism welling up at the thought, but you’re also low key afraid of falling short of whatever goal you set.

Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I am your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week, I support parents in raising kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti oppressive, and grounded in connection rather than control. Today, I’m looking at the ritual of resolutions through a wider lens. Moving beyond the "self-help" industry’s version of this idea to explore how parents can use this time of year for collective reflection.

Before I go further, I invite you to pause and take an intentional inhale and let it out very slowly. As you exhale, notice how you’re oriented toward “new year’s resolutions”. Do you notice a sense of hopefulness or maybe daunting expectation? Maybe there’s excitement or resistance. Maybe there’s fatigue or guilt. Pay attention to where that lives in your body. Try to let it be there without judgment.

Let’s get into it.

The struggle

There’s often an enthusiastic start to a new year with fervent determination to be whatever “better” is for you. Maybe you resolve to really lean in to being more patient with your child, only to find yourself yelling at them by Valentine’s Day. Or you encourage your child to make resolutions that can help them break free of patterns that aren’t serving them, but as post-winter-holiday life goes back to normal, you start feeling guilty for not reminding them to stick to their new habits. This cycle of initial optimistic energy followed swiftly by self-critical disillusionment is fueled by a relentless culture of self-optimization: the idea that if you aren't constantly striving to be healthier, more productive, or generally “better” as a person and a parent, you’re somehow fundamentally flawed.

But is this focus on individual change helpful when it doesn’t take into account social and economic factors? Factors like long working hours, lack of community support, or the stress of living in a society structured around competition rather than care? Resolutions made from a place of shame and self-criticism further reinforce the atmosphere of chronic inadequacy that shuts down the ability to feel safe and seen. On the other hand, the drive to improve yourself or your child might be even more intense for you if your child is neurodivergent or otherwise marginalized, and already navigating systems that make assimilation a requirement for gaining acceptance and belonging.

Contributing factors

We’ve sprung from a history that’s shifted from communal obligations to individual "moral accounting." While ancient traditions focused on alignment with the seasons or repaying social debts, the modern era has turned renewal into a solo project where change is seen to be a result of grit, deprivation or sheer willpower - even though meaningful change rarely occurs in isolation.

In some pre-colonization, pre-capitalism cultures, renewal was a "collective audit." It was about repairing social breaches and honoring the land. There was an understanding of time as cyclical, not linear. The winter or the "off-season," was a natural rhythm of rest and reflection. Rushing to implement dramatic life changes in the dead of winter would be working against nature’s cycles. But contemporary ideas about new year resolutions are centered around personal inadequacies that people are encouraged to “solve” through buying things.

These traditions offer what modern American family life often lacks:

Communal accountability: Intentions are held by the "pod" or community, not just the individual.
Systemic awareness: Understanding that "healthy habits" are easier when the community infrastructure supports them.
Repair over perfection: The goal is getting back into "right relation" when things go wrong, rather than never making a mistake.

Your parenting toolkit

Shifting into a new year could be an invitation to move toward restoration rather than a list of demands for yourself or your child. Here are five practices that center cyclical realignment and right-relationship over individualized self-improvement.

Radical acceptance. It’s easier to change when you start with a foundation of self-compassion. If your "resolutions" are born from self-criticism, they’re essentially an act of violence against yourself. Practice accepting your current capacities exactly as they are today. When you stop fighting who you are, you free up the energy you need for growth. Be gentle with what you label as your "failures" - they’re really just information, not a verdict on your character.
Connection over compliance. Instead of focusing on getting your child to behave, set a new intention to try to understand the unmet needs beneath their behavior. Right relationship in parenting means prioritizing the interpersonal bridge between you and your child. If a boundary is met with resistance, get curious about the friction. When you prioritize the feeling of safety and belonging over the goal of obedience, cooperation often follows as a natural byproduct.
Build your "pod." Meaningful change is hard to do alone. Try shifting from "I have to do this myself" to "It’s okay to let someone hold this with me." Connect with other parents or trusted friends who share your values. Practice "shared witnessing" where you share your intentions and allow yourself to be supported. This can reduce the isolation and shame that often cause individual resolutions to crumble.
Honor the seasons. Modern resolutions often demand high-energy "spring-like" growth in the middle of winter. Instead - notice that for the northern hemisphere, nature is currently resting. Allow yourself a "fallow" period. Instead of a massive overhaul, try planting a proverbial "seed": what small intention can you let germinate slowly over the winter months? By aligning with natural rhythms, you reduce the burnout that can come from forcing growth in a dormant season.
Cultivate the practice of repair. In any relationship, things will go out of balance. Right relationship doesn’t mean zero conflict; it's about the presence of repair. When you snap at your child or neglect your self-care, pause before spiraling into guilt. Instead, focus on how to restore the balance. Initiating a vulnerable apology, or taking five minutes to breathe and redirect your energies is how you reset.

Reflection

Take a moment to check back in with your body after hearing these ideas. Did the discussion about shifting from "improvement" to "right relationship" stir anything up inside you? Maybe you feel a sense of relief, or perhaps a bit of nervousness about letting go of control. Try to accept these sensations with curiosity. What does this tell you about your own need for belonging and rest?

In the spirit of this shift toward cyclical renewal, I want to share an update about this podcast. The Project Parenthood team is going to be taking a hiatus to regroup and refine our own internal systems. We want to ensure that our collective work operates more smoothly and sustainably. We’re taking the time to get in right relationship with our own workflows and prioritize the health and connection of our team so the show can bring you more helpful episodes. During this gap, you’ll still hear from us - we’ll be airing several weeks of re-issue episodes while we’re away. Think of this as a "wintering" period for the show, where we allow ideas to germinate slowly so we can eventually return with fresh content and renewed energy.

As this year rolls into the next, remember that you’re not failing - you’re navigating a system that wasn’t built with human connection in mind. By choosing reparative renewal over rigid buckling-down, you’re birthing something more beautiful.

Outro

If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who is feeling the weight of January resolutions and needs a reminder to breathe. Remember that you’re not the only one dealing with the pressure of "perpetual self-optimization." Parenting was never meant to be a solo project. Your fellow listeners are all learning and unlearning right alongside you as we try to build pathways of collective care.

How are you thinking about new year’s resolutions? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website at brooklynparenttherapy.com, where you can join the newsletter to learn about upcoming community parent events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next year.

Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to our contractor, Nat Hoopes.