So great, the kid said “sorry”—but did that kid actually take responsibility for having impacted another person in an upsetting way for them?
In an effort to make sure your child understands that they need to be accountable for their behavior, you might be in the habit of telling your child that they must apologize to you or others. In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explains why forcing your child to parrot I’m-sorrys may not help them develop true remorse.
Project Parenthood is hosted by Dr. Nanika Coor. A transcript is available at Simplecast.
Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.
Find Project Parenthood on Facebook and Twitter, or subscribe to the Quick and Dirty Tips newsletter for more tips and advice.
Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.
Links:
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/subscribe
https://www.facebook.com/QDTProjectParenthood
https://twitter.com/qdtparenthood
https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/
Hey parents! You're listening to the Project Parenthood podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Nanika Coor—clinical psychologist and respectful parenting therapist. Each week, I’ll introduce you to the same respectful parenting practices that I use to help parents repair and deepen connections with their children. You’ll get tips for cultivating more parental self-compassion, more cooperation from your kids, and more joy, peace, and resilience in your relationship with them.
In today’s episode, I’m talking about how forcing your child to parrot I’m-sorrys doesn’t really help them develop true remorse. Stick around till the end to hear about ways you can model making amends.
Just as punishing your child may not lead to the results you’re hoping for, forcing your child to say “I’m sorry” after they’ve made a mistake like lying, or after they’ve hurt someone physically or emotionally, may not lead to a child who actually experiences remorse. A lot of parents resist this idea, thinking that it lets a child “off the hook” and that without a “consequence” they won’t learn to take responsibility for their actions. But as we’ll learn, just repeating a magic word doesn’t actually teach children about cause and effect.
Most parents can relate to the experience of being on the playground and witnessing a child do something like crash into another kid during rambunctious play, and then their grown-up comes running over and sternly tells the crasher to “Say sorry!” to the crashee. Perhaps the crashing child mumbles, “Sorry,” and goes back to playing without even looking back at the crashed-into child who might be upset.
So great, the kid said “sorry”—but did that kid actually take responsibility for having impacted another person in an upsetting way for them? Or did they learn that you can say this word that adults like to hear so they’ll stop putting you on the spot and/or shaming you in front of other people and you can go back to doing whatever you were doing?
And let’s not forget that a child might not actually feel sorry for what they’ve done! Maybe they’re hopping mad about something and feel unfairly treated in some way themselves. So grownups may also be encouraging children to say things they don’t feel or mean just to escape an uncomfortable situation, without learning anything about conflict resolution or relational repair.
Young children are just at the beginning of a long journey of learning how to be social beings. They need scaffolding to navigate more complex social dilemmas. What your child needs to know is why it’s important to apologize—which is to make amends and help the other person feel better after you’ve purposefully or inadvertently affected them in a negative way. Making efforts to right a wrong or reconnect after a disconnect is what your child needs help learning to do. Simply parroting a word on demand does none of that.
If you’re interested in helping your child develop empathy and consider the feelings of others in the future, give them an opportunity to do better in the present moment by helping them make amends. First, draw attention to the impact of your child’s unfortunate behavior on another person, and then invite them to help the person feel better. That could sound like, “Your cousin got scared and upset when he was pushed. I wonder what we can do to help him feel better. Do you want to show him how to use your toy or would you rather draw him a funny picture?”
Or, even strongly state your feelings about what you see happening, by saying something like “Hey! I don’t like seeing people get pushed—even if you’re angry at someone! Look—Sam is crying. How can we help them feel better? Maybe they’d like a hug? Or do you want to find them a stuffie?”
Let’s say you happen upon your child drawing on the wall—it’s possible to let them know your strong feelings about that without shaming or insulting them, and also offer a way for them to make it right: “Oh my goodness! I’m really upset to see drawings on the walls! This needs to be cleaned off. Do you want to spray the cleaner or do the wiping?”
Helping kids take responsibility for their actions includes coming up with alternatives to whatever action they took that ultimately didn’t work for someone else.
So let’s say you’re at the playground with your child and you see your kid angrily poke another child with a big stick before you can prevent it from happening. You could say something like, “Whoa! Sticks aren’t for poking people! Pearl didn’t like being poked—that hurt! Now she’s crying and has a scratch on her arm. She needs something to help her feel better. Can you bring her a Band-Aid from our bag? …Thanks so much, kiddo.” Model asking Pearl if she’s okay and offering the choice to put on the Band-Aid herself or perhaps with your or your child’s help.
Several hours later when your child is feeling completely calm, you can acknowledge the feelings that led to the altercation and collaborate on a plan for next time. “It’s not easy to know what to do when you feel frustrated with a friend. What can a kid do when their playmates aren’t playing by the rules of the game?” Brainstorm ideas together.
This week, instead of making your child say sorry, model taking responsibility by apologizing for your own mistakes.
Consciously and unconsciously, purposefully and unintentionally, you will do and say things that impact your child negatively. When you notice you’ve done something that’s hurt your child or caused a disconnection between you, have the courage to apologize to them.
Show your child that there’s a way back into your good graces and that there’s a way to set things right when relational disconnects occur. Don’t sweep it under the rug when you’ve done something that’s created an upsetting experience for your child, leaving them to deal with those feelings on their own.
Once everyone’s anger or upset has dissipated, circle back to your kiddo and start by acknowledging their feelings and yours, apologize for your part in the conflict, and invite them to help make a plan for next time. That could sound like, “(Big sigh) Wow—we had a really hard time this morning, huh? You didn’t like how I raised my voice with you and I was really angry that we missed the bus and had to walk to school in the rain. I’m sorry I spoke to you like that—that’s not an okay thing to do. I need to slow down and take a deep breath and use kinder words, even when I’m upset. How do you think a kid and a grownup can work together to get to the bus on time in the mornings? We need ideas!”
Test it out and report back!
***
Eventually, your child will develop the emotional and cognitive skills they need to say “sorry” from a place of remorse and really mean it. But they first need to understand cause and effect, that their actions have consequences, and that sometimes what they do can hurt someone else. They need to be able to take another person’s perspective and recognize what someone else might be feeling in order to feel bad about what they’ve done and want to make it right.
So instead of using control or coercion to make your kids say something that may not actually be true for them—and doesn’t really teach them anything about relationships—it’s more skillful to guide your child to develop moral compassion and the ability to take responsibility for their actions. You demonstrate empathy yourself when you minimize accusations and blame by describing only what you see and leaving out insults and shaming statements. You model empathy when you give your child options for or information about what needs to happen next to make things better, and show them how or help them do it. You help your child do better in the future by letting them know that you understand how they feel, and working together to figure out a more effective plan for next time.
Remember that your child learns more about how to be in the world from what they see you actually doing in the world rather than what you tell them to do. Make sure you’re apologizing and making it right with them when you have missteps of your own. When you have the courage to apologize for having done something hurtful, unkind, or otherwise regrettable, your child has more courage to face their mistakes as they begin to learn that they have the ability to do something tangible to make amends and make things right again!
—
I hope that’s helpful! You can learn more about my work with parents at www.brooklynparenttherapy.com and on Instagram at BKPARENTS.
If you have more questions about helping kids make amends or any other parenting questions or stories, leave me a message at (646) 926-3243 and be sure to let me know if it's okay to use your voice on the show. Or, send an email to parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And don’t forget to subscribe to Project Parenthood on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Catch you next week!