Project Parenthood

Why is getting my kids out the door so chaotic?

Episode Summary

810. Do your mornings feel like chaos on repeat? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents through creating calmer, more connected morning routines - even when executive function challenges, sibling conflict, and real-life pressures make smooth starts feel impossible. Learn practical tools for cooperation, compassion, and ease before your day even gets going.

Episode Notes

Do your mornings feel like chaos on repeat? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor guides parents through creating calmer, more connected morning routines - even when executive function challenges, sibling conflict, and real-life pressures make smooth starts feel impossible. Learn practical tools for cooperation, compassion, and ease before your day even gets going.

Related Project Parenthood Episodes:

https://project-parenthood.simplecast.com/episodes/how-to-live-with-fighting-siblings

https://project-parenthood.simplecast.com/episodes/10-ways-to-help-your-child-cooperate-without-using-punishments

Dr. Coor’s Related Media:

https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/blog/low-pressure-parenting/

https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/blog/become-a-wants-something-whisperer/

Find a transcript here.

Have a parenting question? Email Dr. Coor at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com or leave a voicemail at 646-926-3243.

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Project Parenthood is a part of Quick and Dirty Tips.

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Episode Transcription

You turn your back for ten seconds to grab your coffee, and suddenly it’s happening again. A shriek pierces the quiet: your child has tripped their sibling, who is now sprawled on the floor, wailing like they’ve been mortally and catastrophically wounded. Ugh. That instant feeling of your chest tightening and your blood pressure rising, the urge to just order and yell everyone out the door on time…You promised yourself today would be different, but somehow, once again, it isn’t. You end up feeling like a failure before the day has even really gotten started.

Welcome back to Project Parenthood, I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week I’ll help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community. Today I’m unpacking the morning rush, and how to transform that common chaos into a rhythm of collaboration, connection, and ease.

Before I dive in, take a moment to notice what happens in your body just anticipating this topic. Does your jaw clench, or your heart speed up? No need to change it. Just notice whatever’s here with curiosity, as if you’re observing weather passing through.

Let’s get into it.

The Struggle

Mornings with your kids can feel like a behavioral battleground with all the hitting, the feigned injuries, and the intense sibling rivalry. There’s the time pressure, the missing homework, the outfit meltdowns, and the fragile adult patience that’s one spilled bowl of cereal away from making you lose it. Maybe it feels personal, like they don’t respect your time or your needs. Or maybe you tell yourself they should be able to get through the morning routine independently by now. Your inner voice shouts thoughts like, "Why are they making this so hard?" or "What have I screwed up so bad as a parent that my child can't even follow a simple direction!" Aren’t “good parents” endlessly organized and on time? Aren’t “good kids” endlessly compliant? The cultural myths you’ve swallowed your whole life sure say so. So you resort to threats or punishments because how else are you going to get these children out of the house in time?

For parents whose executive functioning doesn’t match the tidy morning checklists found on Pinterest, this time of day can feel especially punishing. If you’re a parent with ADHD, you might have an inability to recognize when or how much time has passed or to estimate how long something will take. This might be compounded by “revenge bedtime procrastination” where you refuse to go to bed early enough to get a full 8 hours in an effort to regain some sense of freedom during the late night non-parenting hours, which makes early wake-ups a painful scramble.

Unfortunately, the systems we live in weren’t designed for bodies and brains that move differently through time or need more ease to stay regulated. So, regardless of your struggles with executive functions or the disabilities you may have to manage - you’re still expected to get everyone dressed, fed, and out the door on time—while perhaps simultaneously managing multiple drop-offs, a job that won’t wait, and the dreaded alternate-side parking rules! It’s…a lot.

For those from marginalized backgrounds already facing heightened scrutiny, the struggle is exponentially harder. The stress isn't just about getting out the door, it’s also about the very real pressure of being on time to a job you need to keep - where you’re given less grace than your dominant-culture coworkers, or being on time to a school where your child might be unfairly judged for their tardiness. Your stress then feeds your kids’ stress, keeping everyone trapped in mornings that feel more like a battlefield instead of a soft beginning. All of you are left with a lingering sense of disconnection heading into your respective work and school days.

Contributing Factors

So what’s the deal with the morning chaos? Here are a few things that might be impacting the situation:

Systemic and Societal Demands: The idealized image of perfect, calm, timely, and hyper-productive mornings has been brought to you by colonial-capitalist time structures. Those extractive systems need you to believe that lateness or disorganization equals moral failure. This can be particularly oppressive for parents who already face classism or racism, where the consequences for being late are often more severe and punitive. The more proverbial “plates” you have spinning during your morning crush means you have more tasks that eat up precious minutes and contribute to your fear of being late, overwhelming your nervous system.
Developmental Realities: If you grew up in a home where mistakes or slowness were met with shame, that early conditioning can get kicked up when your child drags their feet. At the same time, your child’s brain is still developing, particularly their prefrontal cortex, which powers executive functions like planning, impulse control, and emotional regulation. Stress, fatigue and cravings for parental connection can derail kids, leading to big feelings and unpleasant behaviors. In addition, children—especially younger ones—don’t experience time the way adults do. They live in sensory immediacy, not future-oriented urgency. Expecting them to move through tasks quickly and efficiently without adult co-regulation is like expecting a flower to bloom faster because you yell at it.
Your Internal Experience: The neurobiological reality of executive function challenges, like ADHD or anxiety, mean that skills like planning, sequencing, and shifting gears might be challenging for you even in calm and connected moments. When you hear loud kid-conflicts going on while you’re also speedily trying to pack lunches without forgetting essential items, while those aforementioned spinning plates are hovering in your mental background, your body shifts to a state of threat response. This makes it impossible for you to respond with patience and easier for you to make mistakes.
Your Child’s Internal Experience: Kids might often try to engage your attention in button-pushing ways, which is their childlike way of getting their needs for connection met. They may lack a clear understanding of the morning's schedule or the urgency you feel around it. Without a sense of control or predictability, any small obstacle can trigger a full-blown emotional reaction. When one child throws the other under the Trouble Bus, so to speak, they are seeking to protect themselves from real or perceived parental disapproval—a survival strategy learned in environments where "getting in trouble" is a typical motivator.
Lack of Proactive Co-Creation: Morning routines are usually dictated to a child, not co-created with them. True respectful parenting involves shifting from an authoritarian power-over dynamic to one of power-with, where you see your child as a capable human being who deserves to be involved in the planning of their own life, promoting their developing sense of agency and belonging.

Your Parenting Toolkit

Shifting the morning routine from a battle to a collaboration is not only possible - it’s absolutely within your power to influence!

Here are a few ways to do that:

Build "Team Family" Energy
- Proactively Plan as a Team: Have a family meeting—maybe over dinner or on a weekend—to map out the morning. “Mornings have been pretty tricky for us lately, huh? Let’s figure out how to make them smoother together.” And then talk about the why of the schedule: "We need to leave by 7:15 AM so that I can get to work on time to provide for our family, and so you can get to school to learn and spend time with your friends. So, Team Family - what are your ideas for getting our list of tasks done?"
- Model Emotional Transparency: Calmly share snapshots of your present internal experience without shame or blame: "Hey, kiddos? When I hear you yelling unkind words at each other and shoving and hitting, my heart starts racing and I start having angry thoughts, because I feel worried we'll be late and then I’ll have negative consequences at work. I need more teamwork. Are you willing to help me out by going to put shoes on right now?" This models emotional literacy, emotional honesty, and allows them to see you as a human, not just an authority figure. When kids understand the larger story, and are given requests vs. demands, they’re much more likely to cooperate.
Affectionate Micro-Connections
- Fill their Love Tank First: Instead of waiting for a problem to connect, inject moments of micro-connection before issues arise. Before you turn away to manage a chore, give your child a quick, full-body hug, do something that reliably gets a laugh out of them, or give them some hands-on help getting started on their next task. This pre-fills their need for parent-child connection, making them less likely to seek it in unwanted-by-you ways.
- Use Silliness as a Regulator: Laughter disarms stress. When negative energy starts to spike, use play—race to the door, pretend the backpack is talking, or play “mismatched socks detective.” The goal isn’t efficiency; it’s keeping connection and relative regulation going while still moving forward.
Use In-The-Moment Reminders
- Talk the Routine Out Loud: Instead of expecting your child to automatically transition and doling out commands when they don’t, offer short, non-urgent prompts. Try: “Hey, teeth brushed? Great, next is hair.” Then follow reminders with one of those micro-connections I mentioned: warm eye contact, a quick rub on the back, or a squeeze on the shoulder. This’ll regulate both your nervous systems and keep your routine moving forward with positive vibes.
- Visual Aids: Executive-function challenges thrive on structure that lives outside the mind. Use a visual chart with pictures or simple words showing what needs to happen—get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, pack backpack. You can point to each step instead of repeating yourself. If you’re an ADHD parent yourself, this helps your brain too. You can even try taking photos of each child doing their morning tasks and have them take pics of you doing yours, and then print those photos and post the “order of operations” in a high-traffic area of your home.
Dismantle the "Trouble Bus"
- Eliminate Punishment: When there's no such thing as "getting in trouble," kids stop trying to throw each other under the bus. Shift your response from "Who started it?" to "I see two children who are having a problem. I'm here to help you both find a solution." This shifts your role from referee to facilitator.
- Focus on Repair and Empathy: After a conflict, prioritize relational repair over blame. Ask, "What do you need to feel better?" and "How can we work together to prevent this next time?" This models compassion and teaches them accountability without shame.

And here’s a bonus tip - if evenings are your “stay-up-late-for-me-time,” try a tiny shift like laying out clothes for the morning or setting the breakfast table before bed. Make it as effortless as possible. Compassionate self-structure honors both your exhaustion and your intention.

Use these practices or come up with your own ways to infuse some connected structure into your rushy-rushy struggly mornings!

Reflection

So let’s slow it down again and re-center. I want to invite you to take a slow inhale… And now take an even slower exhale. Did any of your own "getting in trouble" memories from childhood get stirred up? As you sit with whatever came up for you, notice what arises in your body. Maybe a sigh, a lump in your throat, or a small pang of guilt... See if you can let it be there. Just breathe into that sensation and radically accept it as an automatic, involuntary reaction. These sensations hold information about how deeply you’ve been carrying the pressure to “get it right.”

They have been trying to protect you, all this time and are actually giving you good information about your own relational history. Accept your emotions and sensations without trying to change them, and let that self-compassion inform how you approach your child's big feelings.

You’re not raising a robot who perfectly follows directions; you are raising a whole human being in a world that often asks them to deny parts of themselves. You’re already interrupting an inherited cycle by simply being curious, and leaning away from oppressive, shame-based parenting. The most important thing you can give your child in the chaos of the morning isn’t a perfectly timed departure, it’s the felt sense of your free flowing love and connection. And look, your mornings might even stay messy, but now you have awareness on your side, and awareness is the beginning of choice!

If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who feels like every school morning is a three-act tragedy. Remember, parenting wasn’t ever meant to happen in isolation. You’re part of a wider constellation of parents trying to create connection instead of control, imagining ways of living that nurture everyone’s humanity.

How are your mornings shifting after listening to this episode? You can tell me about it on Instagram @bkparents or email me at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. And if you want to feel a little more supported in your parenting journey, visit brooklynparenttherapy.com where you can join my newsletter for updates about upcoming community events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.

Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to your contractor, Nat Hoopes.