807. Have you ever worried that your child’s “laziness” means they’ll never reach their potential? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores how internalized messages shape the way you understand motivation, and how you can replace frustration with curiosity and compassion, helping you and your child thrive with more connection and self-trust.
807. Have you ever worried that your child’s “laziness” means they’ll never reach their potential? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor explores how internalized messages shape the way you understand motivation, and how you can replace frustration with curiosity and compassion, helping you and your child thrive with more connection and self-trust.
Sources:
Laziness Does Not Exist By Devon Price
Related Project Parenthood Episodes:
How to resist grind culture in your family
The First Step to Solve Child Behavior Problems
Find a transcript here.
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You ask your child again to start their homework. They sigh, roll their eyes, maybe mutter something under their breath. You feel that flicker of irritation rising in your chest. You’ve asked nicely. You’ve reminded them. All from a place of measured calm. But they just… won’t start.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood. I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week, I help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community.
Today, we’re talking about what’s going on beneath the surface when you label your kids, or yourself, as “lazy.” It’s one of the most common, and most painful worries I hear from parents. The fear that your child’s resistance means they’ll fall behind, that somehow you’re failing them. For so many parents that worry runs deep. And really it’s not just about parenting it’s about the air everyone’s breathing.
But before I dive in, take an intentional inhale and a very slow exhale. Notice what happens in your body, if anything, when you hear the word…lazy. Do your shoulders tense? Do you feel a little shame, maybe a hint of defensiveness, or worry? Whatever comes up, see if you can hold it with curiosity. Just noticing. Without judgment.
Let’s get into it.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
When you see your child putting things off like homework, chores, or even things they seem to want, like playdates, you might feel like they just don’t care. Maybe you hear yourself saying things like, “You have so much potential! Why don’t you just try harder?” Underneath that frustration is often fear. Fear that your child won’t be okay in a world that rewards hustle and punishes hesitation or delay. But what if what you’re calling “laziness” isn’t about a lack of motivation at all? What if it’s communication? A signal that your child’s system, their body, mind, or their heart, is trying to protect itself from overwhelm, exhaustion, or shame?
So often, what we tend to call laziness is a person’s body saying no more. It’s a nervous system conserving its energy, a psyche retreating from pressure. It’s a human need for rest, autonomy, or safety. But it’s mislabeled as defiance. This kind of misunderstanding has deep roots - in centuries of social engineering. For generations, western society has taught that a person’s worth is measured by what they produce. That rest must be earned. That idleness is dangerous.
For many—especially Black, Brown, immigrant, working-class, disabled, or neurodivergent families—these lessons become a part of survival. Marginalized folks are given the message that failure to overperform might be seen as lazy, inferior, or unworthy. So this rule gets internalized as necessary for actual daily survival. Working twice as hard to be seen as half as good. Pushing oneself past exhaustion. The belief that slowing down is unsafe.
And this isn’t by accident. This is a cultural belief system intentionally crafted to keep a select few people in power, and everyone else in endless motion. A system that needed people to ignore and override their bodies’ messages of fatigue, hunger, illness, and longing for connection so they’d just. keep. working.
But no matter how much you produce, the target keeps moving. Because you also have to “scale up”: improve, grow, increase earnings. You have to cram more and more into your waking hours - regardless of efficiency. More output, more hustle. And because money is tied to survival, the system is also coercive. Most people don’t work for meaning or personal fulfillment alone, right? They work because not working means not eating, not being housed, clothed and cared for. The precarious nature of that exchange creates intense, self-imposed pressure.
So, if your worth is your productivity, if you can’t trust your own feelings or limitations, and there’s always more you could be doing - of course it’s almost impossible to rest without fear, guilt and shame. Your labor couldn’t be controlled and exploited if you didn’t feel that way. It’s how the system sustains itself; by teaching us to internalize its rules and enforce them on ourselves.
This works for the system, because folks go ahead and police themselves.
And then unintentionally or intentionally, you pass these lessons on to the next generation. When your own children rest, resist, or struggle to begin, it stirs that ancient social inheritance that was designed to keep everyone compliant and disconnected from their own bodies. The fear that if they don’t keep them moving, they’ll be left behind.
In his book, “Laziness Does Not Exist” social psychologist Dr. Devon Price calls this deeply ingrained belief that equates a person's worth with their productivity, the “laziness lie”. When you’ve absorbed it, you don’t really question why the world is arranged this way. And you don’t really imagine that things could be different - that rest, care, and enoughness could be shared human rights, rather than privileges you earn through endless striving.
But, when you name the coercion beneath the guilt you can begin to reclaim the idea that your worth can’t be measured in output. You can remember that the point of being alive and being fully human isn’t about constantly doing, but instead involves rest, connection, and the ability to create, in a rhythm that matches up with the realities of your unique life. And that kind of remembering is an act of resistance.
So let’s look more closely at some of the reasons why your child might appear “lazy”?
Sometimes, it’s physiological. Kids need rest, movement, food, hydration - which all contribute to basic regulation - to stay engaged. A hungry, over or understimulated, overtired brain simply can’t focus.
Sometimes, it’s emotional. Perfectionism, stress, burnout, anxiety, depression or fear of failure can feel paralyzing. A child who says, “I don’t care” or “I don’t want to” may actually care and want to so much that they can’t risk letting themselves or anyone else down.
Sometimes, it’s neurological. For children with ADHD, autism, or a PDA profile, starting a task can trigger a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. Their nervous system perceives demands as threats. What looks like resistance might actually be a desperate attempt at self-preservation.
And sometimes, it’s systemic. Children - especially those with marginalized identities - absorb messages about how they “should” behave or perform. Constant vigilance against being stereotyped or misunderstood takes energy. Lack of real or perceived support and connection can feel isolating. Mental overload, depletion and demoralization can look a lot like “laziness.”
When you better understand these layers, signs of “laziness” stop being moral failures and start becoming cues for accommodation, co-regulation, or basic help. As it turns out, many challenging child states need compassion rather than imposed consequences and correction.
Here are 5 practices that can help when your “laziness detector” gets activated.
1. Unlearn the Productivity Myth
Start with yourself. Notice how societal messages about productivity live in your own body.
Ask yourself:
Try modeling a different relationship with rest. Say things like, “I’m feeling tired, so I’m going to rest for a bit,” or, “I need a break before I start dinner.” These shifts teach your child that restoration isn’t laziness, it’s necessary to recharge!
2. Reframe “Lazy” as a Signal, Not a Character Flaw
When your child seems to be avoiding a task, try to pause before reacting.
Ask yourself:
“What might their behavior be trying to communicate about what they need right now?” Then you can be curious out loud:
When you move from criticism to curiosity, you open a door. And behind that door is very often a child who doesn’t want to disappoint you, but they just don’t know how to meet the moment just yet.
3. Co-Regulate Before You Problem-Solve
When either of you is frustrated or overwhelmed, a bunch of language and logic isn’t going to land. But your calm presence, like your tone, your breathing, your gaze, your facial expression, your body posture - they can all communicate calm and safety nonverbally. You might say, “Let’s slow down and take a breath together before we talk about this.” Once both your bodies are more settled, then you can problem-solve: “I’m noticing that getting started is tough. What’s one tiny thing we can do to make it easier?” The co-regulation isn’t always in the words, it can be in your nervous systems syncing up with each other.
4. Lower the Demands to Raise Connection
A “low-demand” approach doesn’t mean zero expectations, it means flexibility and collaboration.
Instead of “Clean your room right now,” try “Do you want to start with your books or your toys?”
If your child is having a tough day, let go of what can wait. Connection first, cooperation later.
This approach helps children feel safe and respected, which, paradoxically, makes them more likely to engage.
5. Prioritize Relationship Rather Than Results
Your child’s nervous system learns about love and safety through your relationship, not through achievements.
You can say things like:
When you inevitably lose patience (because you’re wonderfully and fallibly human), circle back and repair: “I got frustrated earlier, and that wasn’t fair to you. I’m sorry.” Parent-initiated repair teaches something that lectures can’t, that loving relationships can withstand some imperfections.
Maybe as you’ve listened today, something stirred- memories of being called lazy by a parent, a teacher, a boss. Maybe you feel that old tension in your body whispering, you’re not doing enough.
Just notice it. Breathe some care into that spot.
That shame isn’t your enemy. It kept you safe in a world that equates worth with work. You can thank it and let it rest now. Because what if your worth, and your child’s, were never something to earn? What if they’ve been inherent all along?
Imagine parenting from that truth. The quiet moments, the slow progress, even the pauses—they can be acts of resistance in a world demanding constant output. In that spaciousness, your child doesn’t have to work so hard to earn approval. They just get to be.
Raising connected, liberated kids begins with remembering: you both are already enough, imperfections and all.
If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who struggles with their “lazy” child or labels themselves that way. Rest assured that you’re definitely not the only one who feels challenged by societal expectations of you and your kids. Parenting isn’t supposed to be something you do all on your own without support. Know that there are other parents hearing this who are also trying to liberate themselves and their families from that “always be grinding” mentality.
How are you trying to make more room for your child’s humanity and for your own? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website at brooklynparenttherapy.com, where you can join my newsletter to learn about upcoming community parent events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.
Credits:
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to your contractor, Nat Hoopes.