806. Why does playing with your child sometimes feel more draining than delightful? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor unpacks why shared play can stir up old wounds from your own upbringing—and how noticing those tender spots can help you respond with more connection, presence, and ease, even when it feels hard.
806. Why does playing with your child sometimes feel more draining than delightful? In this episode, Dr. Nanika Coor unpacks why shared play can stir up old wounds from your own upbringing—and how noticing those tender spots can help you respond with more connection, presence, and ease, even when it feels hard.
Sources:
Related Project Parenthood Episodes:
How to Understand and Fulfill Your Child’s Attachment Needs
Rethink Time Out: Support Your Child with Time Ins
Using self compassion to regulate your own emotions as a parent
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You’ve barely walked through the door when your child barrels toward you, toy in hand, eager for you to play. Instead of a felt sense of joy, your chest tightens. You sigh, snap, or force yourself through the motions of play. Then comes the guilt: “Shouldn’t I welcome playing with my kid?” If you’ve been there, you’re not broken or failing. Often what feels like inner resistance is really your old hurts being stirred up when your child’s needs press against those tender places inside you.
Welcome back to Project Parenthood, I’m your host, Dr. Nanika Coor. Each week I’ll help you raise kids in ways that are compassionate, respectful, anti-oppressive, and grounded in connection and community.
Today I’m unpacking what’s going on when your child wants to play and you want to flee, and how to move from dread or irritation into connection. I’ll talk about why those inner alarms—what the Circle of Security model calls “shark music”—show up when your child needs you to enjoy play with them. And more importantly, how you can meet these moments with curiosity, compassion, and a few practical tools.
But before I get to that, I want to invite you to check in with your body. What happens inside of you when you think about your child asking you to join their play? Do you feel a pit in your stomach? Do your shoulders tense? Or maybe you feel nothing at all—just flatness. Whatever shows up, just notice it. No judgment, just curiosity. It’s simply useful information.
Let’s get into it.
The Circle of Security is a map that illustrates a child’s needs in the parent-child relationship. On the top half of the circle, your child is moving away from you out into the world—they’re exploring, discovering, trying new things. On the bottom half, they’re coming back toward you for comfort, safety, and regulation.
One of the key needs on the top half of the circle is something called “Enjoy With Me.” This is when your child says, in words, gestures, or behaviors: “Come see what I see. Share my excitement. Play with me. Share my delight in what I’m getting up to.”
And when we join them—when we laugh together, get curious with them, or simply smile and nod with genuine interest—our child gets the message: “What I am doing is interesting and important, and you like being with me and want to share that with me.” That sense of being seen and valued fuels their confidence and curiosity.
But here’s the thing: sometimes, instead of delight, these moments trigger alarm bells in you. The Circle of Security model calls this “shark music.” Imagine you’re watching a movie and suddenly the ominous “Jaws” soundtrack starts playing. You probably tense up, even if nothing scary is actually on screen.
That’s what happens inside of you: your child is simply saying, “Share this moment with me!”—but your nervous system reacts like something dangerous is happening. You might feel annoyed, overwhelmed, or even trapped. And instead of joining, you shut down, you over-control, or you straight up brush them off.
For parents who are navigating systemic pressures—racism, ableism, classism, homophobia, transphobia—these moments can feel even sharper. If you grew up in an environment and/or with adults that didn’t make much room for shared joy or if you had to be hypervigilant to stay safe, your child’s carefree delight may bump up against your old wounds.
The impact? Your child may feel like their desire for shared engagement with you is “too much,” or that sharing themselves isn’t welcome. And you’re left with guilt and disconnection, even though what you long for is closeness.
So where does this shark music come from? Well often, it’s tied to what the Circle of Security calls your core sensitivities. These are deep, often unconscious patterns shaped by your earliest relationships. They’re not flaws—they’re protective strategies your nervous system developed to survive. But they can get in the way when your child needs you now.
Here are the three sensitivities:
These sensitivities aren’t choices—they’re echoes of unhealed wounds. But the beautiful part of Circle of Security is that once you can name your shark music, you gain the power to choose: Do I react from the past, or do I respond to my child’s need in the present?
So let’s talk about how to do that. Here are five practices you can start using right away when your child says, “Come enjoy this with me,” and your shark music starts playing.
1. Pause & Acknowledge
When you feel irritation, dread, or flatness, take a breath. Silently say: “This is my shark music. It’s about my past, and not my child’s fault.” Just naming it interrupts the automatic cycle.
2. Shift Your Perspective
Reframe their invitation. Your child isn’t demanding entertainment—they’re offering a gift. They’re saying: “Come see the world through my eyes.” Even two minutes of genuinely joining their excitement can send the powerful message: “I delight in you just as you are.”
3. Start Small
You don’t need to force yourself into 30 minutes of pretend play if it feels unbearable. Try two minutes of wholehearted presence. Eye contact. A laugh. Mirroring their excitement. These micro-moments matter.
4. Reframe as Healing
Remember: every time you turn toward your child’s bid for shared play, you’re not just parenting them—you’re reparenting yourself. You’re giving your younger self the playful connection they may have missed. These moments can feel tender, even painful, but they’re also opportunities for generational healing.
5. Repair When Needed
Listen - sometimes your shark music is going to win and you’ll brush your child off. That’s okay. You can always circle back: “Earlier I said no, and that might not have felt great. I want you to know that I do want to play with you. Can we do that now?” Repair teaches children that relationships aren’t broken by missteps—they can be mended.
Bonus Tool: Create Rituals of Shared Engagement
Build in predictable “Enjoy With Me” time. Ten minutes after dinner, or a quick game before bed. Keep it simple and repeatable. When shared play has a ritual place in your day, it becomes easier to lean in even when your nervous system protests.
Before I wrap up, take a moment to notice what’s happening in your body right now. Did this topic stir any tension in you? A lump in your throat? Did you feel relief, or maybe even shame? Whatever showed up—this is your system letting you know something about itself. Can you meet it with compassion instead of judgment?
Here’s the takeaway: Shark music is normal. It means you’re human. It means your nervous system remembers. And if you can begin to catch it in the moment, it also means you have a choice. Every time you pause, take a breath, and turn toward your child—even for a few moments—you send them the message: “Your joy matters. I love being with you.”
And that changes everything.
So next time your child says, “Come enjoy this with me,” and you hear that ominous soundtrack rising, take a breath. Notice. And see if you can lean in—even just a little. Those small choices, repeated over time, create security, connection, and delight for you both.
If you’ve found this episode helpful, I’d love it if you shared it with a friend who might have trouble leaning in to playing with their kiddo. You’re not the only one who struggles, and parenting isn’t supposed to be a solo project for us humans. Your fellow listeners are out there learning, unlearning, and reimagining too - trying to find and build spaces where both children and parents get to be their authentic selves.
How are you meeting your child’s need for parent-child play? Let me know! You can contact me via Instagram @bkparents, or via my email at parenthood@quickanddirtytips.com. If you’re feeling alone in your parenting journey, head to my website at brooklynparenttherapy.com, where you can join my newsletter to learn about upcoming community parent events. I’m Dr. Nanika Coor. Thanks for listening. I’ll catch you next week.
Project Parenthood is a Quick and Dirty Tips podcast. Thanks to the team: audio-engineer Dan Feierabend; Holly Hutchings, director of podcasts; advertising operations specialist Morgan Christianson; marketing manager, Rebekah Sebastian and thanks also to our contractor, Nat Hoopes.